Customer service. Jean speaking. How may I help you?
Hi Jean, this is the Blue Grumpster. I ordered a bottle of Fucoidan from Amazon over a month ago and I'm still waiting for your pigeon to drop the thing into my mailbox. Do you reckon it's lost its way?
Lost its way, sir? I don't quite follow.
Well, I'm pretty sure even modern pigeons like the ones you've got working for you don't have TomTom installed, right? So theoretically speaking it could have easily flown to Pat's cave up there in non-eh Canada for all I know and dropped MY order into HIS kitty litter instead.
Well, I wouldn't know about that…
Or maybe it was lured by the Eye of Sauron, which happens to me all the time, and flew all the way to Mount Doom near Hobbit Land then nosedived straight into the fire because it was so fed up with the unimpressive perks?
I don't quite understand, sir. You said you ordered a bottle of wine from Amazon?
Fucoidan. I only need it to stay alive.
It's a bottle of pills. I've been waiting for it for weeks. I was promised it would be here two weeks ago but it really isn't. Now, where's that pigeon?
We don't have pigeons, sir. But I'm sorry to hear that your item has not yet arrived.
What do you mean you don't have pigeons?
Well, we use airplanes. We're a very modern company.
Is that a fact? So where is my plane?
I don't know, sir, but according to my computer your order was dispatched within 24 hours as per our dispatch promise.
What are you telling me?
As of today’s date, I can see that your order has spent 13 working days within the postal system. From the date of dispatch, we expect 98% of items to be with customers within 7-14 working days.
That's not what you promised me.
If your item has not arrived within the given time period, Royal Mail classify these items as late and we will report the slow delivery times to your post code to them on your behalf.
That won't do me any good, Jean. I'm not a bureaucrat. I don't appreciate reports. I'm not interested in reports. I just want my bottle, is all. I never received a calling card either so for all I know some crook stole my bottle.
I understand that, sir. But I would urge you to remain patient at this time. You could check with your local sorting office, regardless of whether a calling card, as you put it, has been left or not. We have noticed these are not left in all cases even though items are awaiting collection.
You have? So what you're telling me is I should do somebody else's job and try and locate my order somewhere in town? It's a pretty big town, you know. It's a city and I'm no psychic. Doing somebody else's job... really?
I wouldn't want to put it that way, but yes. But you could also check with your local customs office. It's very likely it has been stopped and held, pending contact from yourself for collection and confirmation it is a personal item.
You sound like an email. What are you saying? 'Go find your order… It must be somewhere?'
I'm sorry, sir.
I know it's not your fault, Jean. You would've sent a pigeon, not a plane.
Sir, according to my computer your order is waiting for you at the local sorting office. There should be details on your card of the sorting office holding your item.
Well, I'm happy to hear my order is waiting for me somewhere in town. That means the pigeon is still alive or your plane actually found its way to a cuddly runway, but there are no details on my card because I never received any card. No card means no information on the sorting office holding my stuff.
So could you please tell me which sorting office is sitting on my bottle so I can phone them so they can bring my Fucoidan?
Dear Lord, maybe Jean is the best kisser in the world (She sure sounded sexy), maybe she could be the best pilot ever, maybe she would make for a wonderful non-bureaucrat type mayor of Blue Town City who really knows her stuff (Where's my stuff, Jean?), but it sure took a while for her brain to realize all I needed was a simple address. She didn't have the address. Her computer showed no details on the exact whereabouts of my order, just that it was waiting for me. She promised she would send me an email the moment her computer revealed the exact location. Thank you, customer service. I know it's no easy job to satisfy a Blue Grumpster.
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