"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Will you ever reach Bora?

Friday, March 28, 2014

Thank You, Customer Service

Customer service. Jean speaking. How may I help you?
Hi Jean, this is the Blue Grumpster. I ordered a bottle of Fucoidan from Amazon over a month ago and I'm still waiting for your pigeon to drop the thing into my mailbox. Do you reckon it's lost its way?
Lost its way, sir? I don't quite follow.
Well, I'm pretty sure even modern pigeons like the ones you've got working for you don't have TomTom installed, right? So theoretically speaking it could have easily flown to Pat's cave up there in non-eh Canada for all I know and dropped MY order into HIS kitty litter instead.
Well, I wouldn't know about that…
Or maybe it was lured by the Eye of Sauron, which happens to me all the time, and flew all the way to Mount Doom near Hobbit Land then nosedived straight into the fire because it was so fed up with the unimpressive perks?
I don't quite understand, sir. You said you ordered a bottle of wine from Amazon?
Fucoidan. I only need it to stay alive.
It's a bottle of pills. I've been waiting for it for weeks. I was promised it would be here two weeks ago but it really isn't. Now, where's that pigeon?
We don't have pigeons, sir. But I'm sorry to hear that your item has not yet arrived.
What do you mean you don't have pigeons?
Well, we use airplanes. We're a very modern company.
Is that a fact? So where is my plane?
I don't know, sir, but according to my computer your order was dispatched within 24 hours as per our dispatch promise.
What are you telling me?
As of today’s date, I can see that your order has spent 13 working days within the postal system. From the date of dispatch, we expect 98% of items to be with customers within 7-14 working days.
That's not what you promised me.
If your item has not arrived within the given time period, Royal Mail classify these items as late and we will report the slow delivery times to your post code to them on your behalf.
That won't do me any good, Jean. I'm not a bureaucrat. I don't appreciate reports. I'm not interested in reports. I just want my bottle, is all. I never received a calling card either so for all I know some crook stole my bottle.
I understand that, sir. But I would urge you to remain patient at this time. You could check with your local sorting office, regardless of whether a calling card, as you put it, has been left or not. We have noticed these are not left in all cases even though items are awaiting collection.
You have? So what you're telling me is I should do somebody else's job and try and locate my order somewhere in town? It's a pretty big town, you know. It's a city and I'm no psychic. Doing somebody else's job... really?
I wouldn't want to put it that way, but yes. But you could also check with your local customs office. It's very likely it has been stopped and held, pending contact from yourself for collection and confirmation it is a personal item.
You sound like an email. What are you saying? 'Go find your order… It must be somewhere?'
I'm sorry, sir.
I know it's not your fault, Jean. You would've sent a pigeon, not a plane.
Sir, according to my computer your order is waiting for you at the local sorting office. There should be details on your card of the sorting office holding your item.
Well, I'm happy to hear my order is waiting for me somewhere in town. That means the pigeon is still alive or your plane actually found its way to a cuddly runway, but there are no details on my card because I never received any card. No card means no information on the sorting office holding my stuff.
So could you please tell me which sorting office is sitting on my bottle so I can phone them so they can bring my Fucoidan?

Dear Lord, maybe Jean is the best kisser in the world (She sure sounded sexy), maybe she could be the best pilot ever, maybe she would make for a wonderful non-bureaucrat type mayor of Blue Town City who really knows her stuff (Where's my stuff, Jean?), but it sure took a while for her brain to realize all I needed was a simple address. She didn't have the address. Her computer showed no details on the exact whereabouts of my order, just that it was waiting for me. She promised she would send me an email the moment her computer revealed the exact location. Thank you, customer service. I know it's no easy job to satisfy a Blue Grumpster.

* * *


  1. Well if the pigeon came near the cat
    It may already be turned to scat
    So your bottle could be waiting
    In the litterbox and dating
    And non eh is right
    That word can take flight
    Sounds like quite the convo though
    You might have scarred her for life you know
    So annoying when things don't come
    Almost drives you right to the rum
    Do they Fucoidan things actually work though?
    Sounds interesting from what i read at my show

    1. Hmmmm a pigeon and a cat
      Not very safe on your mat
      No wonder I'm still without pills
      Might have scarred her but I need refills
      Now, where's that rum
      Before start hunting that scum
      For stealing my order
      Pretty sure it never reached the border
      Yep it works in my case it does
      But I'm blue and not your cous

    2. Sucks a ton when you have to rely
      On those idiots to get the delivery cry
      Go all Braveheart on their butt
      Then they may get it to your hut

    3. Spent some money and lost it quick
      Might as well have spent it on a girlie flick
      Sucks a ton and then some more
      When no one comes a-knocking on my door
      I'll send my army of vanilla beavers
      Carrying a hundred cleavers
      Might do the trick or not
      Seems like the best option I've got

  2. Fucoidan sounds so naughty to me.... you always talk dirty, Sir Randy Mandy Sir....

    1. Hahaha you naughty man, you! But um.... it sounds pretty naughty alright, depending on how you (want to) pronounce the first syllable. :)

    2. you talk publicly about your package and I'm the naughty one? :P

    3. Good point. You're sharp as ever when it comes to naughtiness.

  3. We ordered one of those plug-ins...for the get netflix on my Ipad, and watch it on the tv....know what I'm talking about?
    Amazon left it by the front door!
    Someone could have stolen it! WTH?
    Did you get your pills yet?
    BTW....I commented on a post the other day...and then the post was gone.....
    Was that because you don't have your pills yet?

    Linda :o)

    1. Oh no... Was that the one where I told the Blogger gang where they could, you know, shove it? My bad. I'd pressed publish instead of save. I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested and than I pressed the wrong button. Sorry about that, Linda. It was because I don't have my pills yet. How did you guess?

    2. But since my friend Gary (Penny's fictional character) is having the same problem, I might have changed my mind.

  4. Augh!!!!

    Ur package is so much more important than mine. But I understand--I've been waiting what what what what 8 months for one of my packages that was "allegedly" delivered. Yep--that's what they said it was delivered right inside my locked post office box. Mine was only a 9-inch tubby tummy teddy bear. Boy is it frustrating when u don't get packages u expect and then if u don't u expect some kind of acknowledgement. I did what they asked too--I called everybody and still I have heard not one thing.

    I hope u get it soon. Like I said ur is more important than mine was--

    Have a blessed weekend. Mine starts in 15 minutes. Hooray!!!

    1. A 9-inch tubby tummy teddy bear... is that a fact? Can't say I've ever ordered one of those but it must be very frustrating too to not get what you paid for. I can honestly say I know how that feels. You're so right... you expect some kind of acknowledgement but all they tell you is the package was delivered. Oh really?

      Hooray!!! :)

  5. Replies
    1. In my country it is consider a good luck when a pigeon poops on you.... not that I'd ever console myself in that way......

  6. Mail service may soon wrap up. It's reported to be one of those due to be extinct. Hope they get to deliver all pending deliveries before that. Nicely Blue!


    1. Seems to me it's already extinct considering that there's still no package in my mailbox. Hope you're enjoying a wonderful weekend. Rhyme on!

  7. I too have had Amazon's pigeons get lost on their way to my house. Sometimes the package arrives weeks later all dented and torn and covered in feathers. Makes me wonder what happened to the poor bird.

    1. Mr Buttocks... how are you today, sir? Covered in feathers... Sounds like you ate the pigeon because it was late. Might try and do the exact same thing ;)

  8. Two words: Royal Mail. Which is a misnomer for "Royal Pain in the Ass." I've had postcards show up three months later, packages not arrive. Grr. They should offer more than kisses, if you ask me.

    1. Royal Pain in the Buttocks alright. Do you reckon I should send my cousin Vinny to solve the problem or an army of horny ducks?

  9. The following comment may arrive today, tomorrow or when Amazon gets sorted. Somebody told me their hobby is racing pigeons. I asked, "Who normally wins? You or the pigeon?"

    Penny's fictional character,

    Gary :)

    1. Howdy, Gary... Penny's fictional character. How are you today, sir? I was waiting for your comment to reach my blueman cave and here it is. You must be using a special breed of pigeon. Genetically manipulated to suit your needs? So how did he reply to your excellent if slightly sarcastic question, I wonder.

  10. He told me to flock off! :)

    Penny's fictional character,

    Gary :)

    1. Well, at least it's a straightforward answer. Gotto appreciate that in a person.

  11. Don't get me started on customer service Blue. Just. Don't. I hope you get it soon :)

  12. Aaaw! I feel you Blue!

    A blogger friend from Norway sent me a birthday gift from Amazon as well and the pigeon is also still missing in action :( Jeez it's April already!

  13. Pigeons, what a concept. I always get the scoop and the poop when I visit... um, maybe that didn't sound right?
    I have FedEx... they always beat on the door as if I'm 97 years old and hard of hearing. Say what? Sign what? Thank you - Mister UPS. Blind- what?

    1. Scoop the poop... It sounds more beautiful than the actual thing. They always beat on my door too. And I'm always butt naked when they do. Blind what?


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