MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Secret of My Success... as a Blue Husband

Now, logic dictates that anyone who calls himself a successful husband must be doing something completely wrong. Especially when said hubster is blue. But don't let that keep you from reading on and treating yourself to the wonders, nay, secrets…. of my special brand of marital bliss.

Okay. I'm still in denial and I need a drink. I still believe I'm no one's husband. I just don't like the sound of it. I wake up on the couch all by myself and there's this little voice telling me, "Good morning RC, looking pretty messed up today." It's my own voice. And that's BEFORE I've bothered to take a look in the mirror. I'm sitting on my couch, consciously scratching my ass head, wondering where I am and, worse, who I am. Where's my horse? Oh, I'm at home. I know this for a fact for that ugly thing right over there is my 1990's not-so-flatscreened television thingie, and judging from the poor taste in books - Animal Farm sitting right next to The Enormous CrocodileThe Big Butt Book and a book on giraffes - it doesn't take a teacher to tell me it's my private collection. Impressive bookcase, though. Hmmm. I scratch my ass head once more. I hear a noise. I find myself staring at the ceiling the way Goofy himself would do on a bright day (only more intelligent-looking-um-ly). Who's walking upstairs? Somebody's definitely walking upstairs. Tip-toeing too. Who else is in my house? A burglar? Is it a burglar… a real burglar? And just as I'm about to really scratch my ass or really get worried about getting raped by a six foot monkey, it dawns on me: that's no six foot monkey. That's my wife. Dear Lord, I'm married.

My Mommy used to ask me, "RC, why in the world don't you want to get married when you're all grown up and smart like me?" I'd give her the look and start roll my eyes in utter disbelief, saying, "Momma, there's no woman on this planet that's gonna tell me what to do. 'You've got smelly feet! Go take a shower!' Well, maybe just you, Momma, but no one else. I'm an Independent Agent. I operate in isolation. Like Superman. You know that. Only I keep my undies where they belong." And she'd roll her eyes in turn and mumble something to sweet Jesus himself. I guess she'd found my flaw. So when she picked up the phone a couple of decades down the line and she heard the good news, I'm pretty sure she thought she'd misheard. Any stranger would have thought she was convinced I was pulling her leg on April Fools' Day. Now, no one gets to pull my Momma's leg and live to tell the story, not even me, and my Momma's not deaf like me nor is she a fool and it wasn't April Fools' Day, so I figure she must have thought (a) I'd lost my mind or (b) had just found it. All I know is she's been happy ever since.

Are you still waiting for me to tell you my secrets? Okay, here it comes. I sleep on the couch and pretend I'm not married. Come again? I sleep on my Sunpan Modern Bugatti Grain Leather Sofa and pretend I'm no one's husband. It works like a charm. Angie never gets to enjoy my special brand of hippo snoring and when I show her the finger that has no ring on it (yep, I show her the finger alright, and pardon my Spanish and I mean this in a good way), she tells me I'm not interested in her one way or another. I know, it sounds cruel, but to a blue guy it makes perfect sense: no snoring means she gets to sleep, and no ring means she doesn't feel compelled to trick herself into believing she's got me like so many women do, then stop shaving their armpits and suffocate the hell out of their husbands. Plus I don't like football, baseball or that European thing called soccer so she's happy, I'm dashingly handsome if half-blind at least two seasons a year and I give her all the space she needs. I love space so I pretend I'm the one giving it to her. Minor problem: my hump-happy caveman neighbor living right next door (as in his bedroom's right next to ours) keeps humping day and night making sounds in the process that would scare ole Bigfoot off the premises. She's not a fan of Mr. Caveman, you see, but she'd rather listen to him than to my delicate hippo snoring. Other than that, it's all good.

Am I doing something wrong?


It was a X-mas gift, I swear.

* * *

89 comments:

  1. Maybe I read this wrong, but is this your divorce manifesto? Maybe I missed context clues, maybe I completely misread that last paragraph? Or maybe I misread that because of the first couple of lines?
    Regardless, I hope your health is doing well.

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    1. No, it's not, Pickleope. But ever since I got ill in 2011, I've been chonically tired, which lead to my hippo snoring. It's really awful and the only way for Angie Dear not to want to abandon ship was for me to move downstairs. Unfortunately I'm not the only one keeping her awake. But all is good. Thanks for your concern. She's the best. Well, I'm the best, but she's not bad ;) My health is much better. Thanks for asking. I'm working part-time now. My voice is still a bit of a drag but at least my blue terminator vision is 90% restored. The Great Pickleope Von Pickleope misreading my lines.... I didn't know that were possible.

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    2. It's great to hear that your eye sight is SO much better...

      You're a good guy, Blue...

      ~shoes~

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    3. Good. You're back. :) Thanks, Shoes.

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  2. A humpity humper humps away
    All through the night and the day
    Making the walls sway
    Oh the dismay
    Unless you are the humper or humpee
    Then it may fill one with glee
    Unlike snoring all through the night
    That is just one big fright
    Big butt books though
    Hmmmm might want to keep that on the down low
    Oops, too late
    Maybe it was all the listening to the neighbor mate
    Ring isn't needed to be had
    Just a trinket at ones pad
    Can't embody what marriage is
    Just buffed and fluffed by the hollywood biz
    But geez a distant grumpy goo
    oh that shame on you lol

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    1. It was a Christmas present, I swear
      Or make me lose my hair
      My brother thought it would be funny
      To spend some of his bigshot money
      And bestow upon me
      A book for all to see
      So considering it was for free
      I decded to have a look-ie
      That's a look in the big Bora Book
      It's like English but all shook up
      Speaking of which... that neighboring humpster
      Doesn't like the Grumpster
      Going AAAAAAAAH all night
      Making me want to shoot him on sight
      But I keep him awake when I'm at work
      You see, I can be a friggin' jerk
      Switch on that music and I'm on my way
      I bet he loves it that way
      Listening to Bieber all day
      Distant and snoring too
      Well, that's all I can do
      Without a kangaroo shoe

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    2. LMAO payback is grand
      With the Bieber band

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    3. A bit cruel too
      I'd like to give him the flu
      Make him sniff my kangaroo shoe
      Too

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    4. Let him be sick
      Could put a cramp in his umm wick lol

      And just so you know
      Tomorrow you are #21 on display at my show

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    5. Yes a cramp in his wick
      Would do the trick
      #21...... Wish I were 21 again

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    6. Find the fountain of youth
      The share at your booth

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  3. I have Willy Dunne Wooters, and I still shave my pits.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Is that a fact?Well, I'm glad. You had me worried for just a split second ;) Willy Dunne Wooters.... That term when straight into Blue's long term memory. Willy Dunne Wooters.... See, it sticks.

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  4. I'm with Pickelope - you ok??

    Have to say, hippo snoring is not a good thing, but I'd take it over hearing Caveman humping sounds.

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    1. Hmmmm I didn't see that one coming. When I showed Angie this little post of mine, she couldn't stop laughing. I guess that's not a good sign and I'm losing the writing skills I never had. No, all is good, thanks for asking, but snoring is positively detrimental to somebody else's good mood in the early morning rain. Are you sure about your preference... you haven't heard me snore. It even wakes me up.

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  5. You proper bloke, grumpy. I should slap you on your back and buy you a six pack :)
    *Before I continue, may I just correct you on this: In Europe and UK it's called football. T'as always been called football. It's still called football. Just that Americans like to call it soccer so they can call that mad thing they do which is a cross between rugby, dancing and constantly stopping, football.*
    Anyway, back to you. You shouldn't be defined by marriage or other things, especially when you're Superman. I am, however, slightly concerned that you think up the possibility of being raped by a 6' monkey.

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    1. I know, Jules. You're right. Not to mention the fact that football actually involves a foot (two even) as well as a proper ball (as in a round one). Dear Lord it never ceases to amaze me how many people allow themselves to be defined by marriage as if the universe would suddenly come to a halt if one doesn't play by the rules laid down by Those Who Know Best. As if the universe itself serves as a mere backdrop to our existence, you know, us being the centre of the universe and marriage being the all important center of our lives. Not. Well, not in my book it's not. As for your concern, now that I'm in fact fully awake, I've decided to be slightly concerned too that I should think up the possiblity of being raped by a six foot monkey. Would five foot make more sense, you reckon?

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    2. Maybe 4' 10. Less intimidating. :)

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    3. (...raped by a six-foot monkey? A flying monkey?? this IS disturbing!!)

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    4. @Jules - After all, size does matter.
      @Shoes - Why do you think I felt the need to share this? Of course a flying monkey.

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  6. With all that ass scratching, Blue, 'tis possible you has flees! Is that why you is sleepin' on the couch?
    Happy to hear you is good and that you is working again! Are the students treating you right? Or left?

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    1. Hahaha The thought had crossed my mind, but I'm afraid no flee would survive. They're treating me right. The real question is: are you treating them right. But that would be left.

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    2. maybe some bigger bugs then :) You do have an ample behind if me recalls from your bragging :)
      Speaking of husbands, when will Godzilla ever find her a hubs? She is awfully neurotic without one....

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    3. Ample is the right word, alright. And then some, unfortunately. But I've been trying to lose a few pounds. So far it's not really working. Godzilla? Well, that all depends. Just don't ask me what it depends on. I'm sure Dr Ruth has more to say on the subject.

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    4. never heard of this Dr Ruth? I have a very extreme disbelief and lack of confidence in doctors, you know... after all I've gone through I believe none of them knows their job .... You know, I've never had a positive doctor experience in my life

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    5. Of course I was only kidding for Dr Ruth made me sick. Never, Dezz?

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    6. never indeed. How about you?

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    7. I had a horrible neurologist but I've been more lucky in the sarcoidosis department.

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    8. happy to hear it, Sir Randy Mandy Sir! All of my doctors were horrid... but I do have hots for my dentist :)

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    9. Stay away from his needle... It might prick you and you'd go drifting away...

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    10. he did once say - 'Dezzy, I will now put my stuff into your mouth'....... I giggled like a little coon...

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    11. I bet you did. And you had to pay for it too, so what does that make him?

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  7. Mr. Blue-type dude, n' stuff,

    I sleep on the couch and pretend I'm married. Okay, my ex wife didn't understand my alleged humour (humor) apologies to my English, English spell check.

    I think you are the epitome of marital piss, um, marital bliss.

    Have fun and that's for snore.....

    Gary :)

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    1. anyone getting married needs a fair share of humor (humour), alright. My wife does think I'm the epitome of marital piss, but only when I tell her I'm cooking dinner tonight.

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  8. Truthfully, I only think a few handful of married people are happy. But I do hope that u and the Mrs. are ok. I am sorry that u are not feeling well.

    "Professor" Alex and I are doing quite well. I enjoy his company immensely and I think he enjoys mine. I am looking into something new where he and I will be able to spend evenings together at work. So we will see--

    He is such a joy. I love him more each day.

    I have to agree with u. It is a blessing to be single. Nothing is wrong with it. Only if u think u are not complete without another is there a problem. Some do find someone to enjoy time with. Most can only take doses of people and then want to spend time alone.

    Tomorrow it is suppose to rain rain rain with just a few hours in the early morning and early evening will it stop. Plans for me and the pup are to stay in and play and read a book with small little walks in between the rain. And then Sunday School and church tomorrrow.

    Hope that u start feeling a wee bit better. Kiss ur cats for me.

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    1. We are doing just fine, Miss Stormy Marples. Wouldn't know where I'd be without her. Your new little friend is adorable. You know I had a look at those wonderful pictures of his. I'm happy for you.

      That's exactly my point: there's nothing wrong with being single in the same way that, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing sacred about being married - as a matter of fact, I don't think anything we plain folk do deserves to be dubbed sacred. I've always had a problem with people expecting their grown-up kids to get married no matter what and then have a bunch of babies so they can be grandparents. Why? "Because that's the way most people tend to spend their lives." I'm not much a fan of rules, you see, and it would be an understatement to say our marriage is mainstream haha. In my book, great companionship is key, whether one is married yes or no. Ah how I love the early morning rain as much as I love Elvis's song Early Morning Rain, which is a whole lot.

      Enjoy the weekend, Miss Stormy Marples and pat that little friend of yours. My cats are fast asleep with a big smile on their faces.

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  9. Really Blue I dont see your point.
    You aren't happy. ? You don't like be married?
    I think Angie is really sweet and love you.
    How you feel these days you don' t come always to my site but is ok.
    Love you so much.
    Gloria

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    1. That's not what I wrote, Gloria. :) I'm very happy. Just wanted to share my secret to a successful marriage. I'm not very often online these days because I've started working again and I'm always tired. I hope I'll be feeling much beter soon.

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    2. Im so glad you are happy she id lovely snd Im sure sh cares you. I would make the same becsuse you are a lovely man.xx

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    3. Thanks, Gloria. How are you feeling today?

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  10. And dont laugh of me when I said that.
    xxx

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    1. You know I'd never do that. :)

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    2. Still, I'd never ever do that, my dear. Why would you even think that? :)

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    3. why did Gloria Dear write XXX? Is that something of the naughty genre?

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    4. Because she's real sweet. How come you never never do the same, Dezz? Don't you like triple X?

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    5. well better triple X than triple 9!

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    6. So right. And yet so wrong.

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    7. In England when you send love write xxx! but is you don't like I m not make again.

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    8. Maybe Dezzy think in triple xxx like movies? Is not the case, but I can put only x is the same!

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    9. You know Dezzzz.... He likes xxx so much. It's a way to get into shape. But ummmm what do you know about xxx, Gloria? ;)

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    10. about triple xxxx, only I know are porn movies, but really don't like grumpy!

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  11. OK good to know! It's us that missed the dry humor. I'm toast, brain-wise, at the end of the day.

    Plus there are bloggers who spill the details of their lives down to the minute they're taking a shit, so I wasn't sure.

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    1. So I heard. I wasn't sure you'd be interested in bowel movements.

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  12. He is a luv. We went on an hour and half walk. 11:30 pm till 1:00 a.m. He is pooped. Took him for long walk due to coming rain. Tucked in studio with pup and three good books. He is curled up with his blue Easter bunny from his Nana. Listening to Ella Fitzgerald and fixing to read. Have good weekend.

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    1. That sounds like a plan! I'm planning on reading just one.

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  13. I'm just glad to hear from a comment above that you're starting to feel a little better.

    I like sleeping on the couch sometimes. I don't even know why, but it's nice to just sprawl out on the couch and conk out by myself. The poor couch gets such a bad rap for being the place for the guy in the doghouse, but if that's the doghouse, I'll happily sleep among the pooches every once in a while.

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    1. Amen to that. Thanks, fellas. :)

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  14. An interesting post that I enjoyed reading.

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

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  15. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I love the cartoon images... so much so, that I can't remember what I was going to write now...

    You are just right, my friend...

    You said that your lecture back went well... or maybe I interpreted that it went well... it doesn't matter...

    You are back!

    That's what matters, my friend...

    Always...

    ~shoes~

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  16. Maybe the real problem is you have fleas. I sense a lot of arse scratching going on at your pad. Maybe the wife doesn't want your fleas. ;)

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    1. Doctor Dezzington already gave him that diagnose, Sherry :) I prescribed him some antiflea powder.... but it's not easy powdering your own bum....

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    2. Especially when it's a sizable one. I mean, how much powder can one afford to buy?

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    3. sacks of it, sacks of it, Sir Randy Mandy!

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  17. oh you Blue Man! you are mighty lucky i'm not sleeping next to you :p
    how have you been ??

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  18. @WordsPeticallyWorth - Thanks for stopping by.
    @Shoes - It went great. Thanks. Always ALWAYS good to hear from you.
    @Sherry Ellis - Good point. I'll go and ask her right away.
    @Jaya J The One And Only - I had to read that twice. Now, why exactly would I be mighty happy you're not sleeping next to me? ;) HEYYYY where have you been? You've been sorely missed :) Sorely missed.

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  19. it must be a guy thing. I'd never sleep on the couch! But The Mr does once in a while even though I've never sent him there. haha.

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    1. Never? What he goes and sleep on the couch voluntarily? Dare I ask?

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    2. we;re onto something here, detective Blue. I smell some juicy gossip here at Petsy's cassa! Does she have smelly feet, or does it happen when Petsy eats beans? Or is it the opposite?

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    3. That's my feeling too, Dazzling Detective Dezz. We might be on to something very interesting. I hope it doesn't involve smelly feet. I think it's because of her fifty or so cats. Well, it's just a rumor.

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    4. you don't say! Petsy has sixty cats? Did you say seventy? I;ve heard the rumour has it that she has almost a hundred of them... poor hubs... no wonder he sleeps on the couch....

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    5. It's called survival of the fitest. Speaking of which, feeling a bit fit today, Dezzman? I walked up two flights of stairs just a couple of minutes ago and I struggling to get some air inside my blue lungs. Time for some medication. NURSE!

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  20. I'm with you Betsy.....
    MUST be a guy thing!
    Hahaha....too funny Blue.....
    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

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    1. a guy thing? Well, my couch does look pretty macho, but that does not explain why I sleep ON it ;)

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  21. My hubby and I slept separately for a while. He snored like a fiend too. (Or hippo) and I couldn't get any sleep at all. He finally got diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a CPAC mask. Now he sleeps like a baby (that still snores sometimes but not as loudly).

    Glad to hear you are starting to come around, Blue. That puts a smile on my face.

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    1. I didn't know there's a connection between snoring and sleep apnea. He sleeps like a baby.... Is that a fact? I can't imagine anyone saying the same thing about me.

      Yes, I'm finally starting to come around. I need to see that smile on your face. You know that. :)

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  22. I've been married for 23 years and hubby has on occasion fallen asleep on the couch and when I leave him there and don't wake him up to come to bed with me he asks me why I didn't wake him up. lol

    Hubby snores like a freight train but I just buy foam earplugs and wear them to bed..I don't hear a thing and we both get a good nights sleep in the comfy bed.

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    1. 23 years... is that a fact? That's a very long time in my book, considering I've been a Grumpy Hubster for one year and a half. When I was still a welcome guest in my own bed upstairs - a time when my Hippo Snore was merely a bad dream - my Angie would pull the same trickon me: she'd not wake me and then I'd wake up in the middle of the not wondering what the heck I'm still doing on the couch. I suggested custom made earplugs that would perfectly match her custom made nightly attire. She suggested I go and put those plugs where it's really dark. Mind you, with a smirk on her face. Other than that, it's all.... good. I always say, "Better a happy woman in the early morning than a grumpy one at night."

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    2. Well I say, whatever works. Yep, 23 years...I've outlasted my brother's 5 marriages and divorces..lol

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    3. Pat would say, Yippeee For You. Well, I'm impressed. Did you say... 5 marriages?

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  23. Glad you are better blue, but you know that..

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    1. Feeling much better, Truedessa. Still not close to perfection... Thanks. I fugure you must be fast asleep by now. Sweet dream and fly high.

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  24. Whatever works, works. Don't fix what ain't broke, or so 'they' say.

    Visiting today from Pat's place. :)

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    1. It's been a while. How nice of you to stop by again. Yep, if it ain't broke, don't go and try to fix it.

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  25. Im happy you feel better dear grumpy!

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  26. Haha! She sleeps soundly, and you don't get toenails in your face.... sounds like a good plan.

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