MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Serious Interlude: I'm Sorry But I'm Scared

"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air — explode softly — and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth  boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either — not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination." Robert Fulghum 

Thank you Mr. Fulghum for that wonderful thought. I'm almost smiling.

Almost.

I know, another grumpy non-cake post by a blue man who doesn't care about Facebook. How could that possibly be worth your time? Should I worry about my ratings? It's just that every now and then I'm completely sobered up by images of the inevitable — the one and only thing in life that I'm truly afraid of, the only thing on this beautiful planet of ours that keeps me alive too. You see, I'm scared of dying. Maybe scared isn't the right word. I'm plain terrified. The thought of one day not being able to talk to all of you makes it impossible for me to fall asleep. I've not been sleeping too well lately. Maybe it's just me. Maybe you're so much braver than I am.

There she is: Granny, smiling at me, that sweet, sweet woman, even though every fiber in her body tells her she's bound to be dead come tomorrow. "Angie, promise me you will look after him. You have to promise me, Dear." "I promise, Grandma." I heard those words loud and clear but not a single one of them registered that day at the hospital. Twelve hours later they did and I never felt more betrayed.

There he is: my stepfather. "Where's Randy?" "I'm here." I kissed him on his forehead and he looked at me with watery eyes, eyes that seemed to wonder who I was, a total stranger who, for some unfathomable reason, cared about what was happening to him. "I'm finished," he said. "Finished."I would never see him again. If I were more sensitive, I'd be crying now.

There she will be: my Momma. Sweet, sweet Momma, walking toward that inevitable cliff we're all walking toward but don't really want to be reminded of — Momma's getting older, getting weaker, caring less about the uselessness of human egos, human error in general or herself. She only cares about her two children, her grandchildren and the few people who love her. There she will be. It's a sobering thought that she will turn 65 in October. I know, 65... she's still young. I remember when she was 32, though. Do you want to be 65 right now and listen to people telling you you're "still very young"?How would you feel knowing you may have two decades left in you, statistically speaking? Two decades... max? I will miss her and I will hate the world. Maybe not forever, but for a while. I will curse the day I was born and swear to my heart's content. Then I will move on. I will have to move on. People expect you to move on. On your feet, soldier. Stop whining. Wasting your time thinking about dying is a foolish thing to do. You know, the important stuff.

Maybe I'll be dead first. You never know. I almost was. I still could be. The world will move on and Blue won't be able to remember himself or you. Just the thought of being forgotten together with those who remembered me makes me want to go on Facebook. We all want a witness. Facebook Beyond the Grave entry #1: There I was. I'm sorry I didn't know you.

Are you scared?

* * *

133 comments:

  1. Your Momma is only two months older than mine!
    I'm not afraid myself. Maybe because all of my family members are dead (all the grannies, granpas, father.... and my mom almost died a couple of times in recent years) so I'm used to death.... But I do understand the meaning of your anxiety. To be forgotten and not to leave any trace..... We must write a book or save the world, Blue, before it's too late!

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    1. If that's a fact, how come you're young and I'm old um... wise? Same here... everybody gone... but I have a hard time getting used to it. Let's start with a post! Followed by a book! Followed by us taking over the world, the heavens and even a black um... hole?

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    2. Your Momma got you while she was really young (you're probably close to my older brother in years), mine was closer to her 30s when Dezzy graced the world with his presence :)
      It's probably easier for me because I was never ever remotely close to any of them, while you probably were.

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    3. I'm 43, Dezz.... not ready to turn 44 on June 14th. Yep, she was 20, almost 21. I'm pretty close to a lot of people. I'm one of those people in a family who is like a spider in a web. I'm close to relatives who aren't close to one another. I'm like my Momma's sister that way. It'll be hard to let go of them.

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    4. we never went anywhere and we never used to visit family and plus even within our house they never paid attention to us kids, so that would be the reason why I've never developed closeness with any of them. You probably had many family gatherings and such things. I envy you on it. Try to just focus on the fact they're alive not on the fact that they'll be dead one day....

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    5. Hi Dezzman the Dazzling Dezzster! How are you today? Having a hard time falling asleep too? Yeah I'd say that's a very good reason not to miss anyone. They never paid attention to you kids? Unbelievable. Yes, many family gatherings in my then neck of the woods. But don't envy me. Love hurts, you know. Of course I focus on their being alive now, but that doesn't make me blind. Knock on wood, and you know why. ;)

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    6. maybe you and Angie should give your Momma a grandkid while she is still here? That would give you a sense of fulfilment too!

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    7. Maybe when penguins learn how to speak. Now go and eat your shorts.

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    8. I can't... we're out of chocolate topping....

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    9. Maybe when penguins learn how to speak.

      For some reason, I read this as maybe when penguins learn how to spell.... and I laughed my ass off... I wish you had said that...

      ~shoes~

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    10. The thought had crossed my mind, but then I realized his penguins used spelling checkers, so.... you know....

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    11. and my penguins can speak too.... so the joke is on you, Blue! And the rhyme is too!

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    12. BUT can they dance and speak at the same time?

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    13. My checkers can't/don't spell...

      They just sit there...

      bastiges...

      ~shoes~

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  2. "Every man dies. Not every man really lives."
    -William Wallace-Braveheart.

    Death comes to us all. It's best to shed your fear of it and embrace life.

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    1. I think we all know what's best, but theory does not necessarily equal practice. Also really living and fearing death could go hand in hand. Just look at me.

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    2. When it seemed that the end was near for Scooter... he became calm...

      The last time I spoke to him face-to-face... he said to me...

      If you pray... offer up a few for me... I am going to need them...

      As things continued to go south for him, he became more and more calm... He said he was 'ready to go home'... Bless his heart...

      ~shoes~

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    3. I hope we will become more calm too. Sometimes I wonder if I will leave this planet screaming my blue butt off. You know, passionately yet ungracefully...

      Scooter, your dear friend. Bless his heart. I know you miss him.

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  3. I'm not scared of dying, just afraid it will happen sooner than I want.

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    1. If that is true, you can teach me a trick or two. Experience tells me people don't really think about it and as a result don't experience a sense if fear. But when it's time to say goodbye, you should check their underwear. WANT is the magic word. It sort of defines us.

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    2. I am sorry about commenting all over the place here...

      When my sister was on the verge of dying last year, she held my arm so... and told me she was so scared... I held her and told her that I wasn't going to let anything happen to her...

      Of course, I was powerless when she died this past October... I couldn't stop it... my great angst is that I wasn't there with her when she died... I hope she wasn't scared...

      *sighs*

      ~shoes~

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    3. Listen, Shoes... you can comment as much as you want wherever you want... No need to apologize. You're a very welcome guest.

      That said...

      I get a lump in my throat reading what you wrote about your sister. I'm sorry, man. I can only imagine how tough that must have been for her and you. I hope someone will be there to hold me too. Yes, you must have felt really powerless. It makes you wonder what's the use of it all... I hope she wasn't scared. How come you weren't there?

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    4. How come you weren't there?

      She was at home... I got the phone call and got there as quickly as I could... it just wasn't quick enough... she was gone by the time I got there...

      ~shoes~

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    5. The same thing happened to me in 2008 when my sweet sweet Granny died. Five minutes too late. It makes you wonder....

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  4. I'm not. I just want to die peacefully. Not suffer you know.

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  5. I do not mind dying. In fact, at times, I want the world to end so that all the pain and suffering and meanness will be gone.

    However, I don't want to leave my pups behind. I wanted to especially stay alive for Patches and Buttons because they needed special care. I now have ProfessorAlex. I want to be here long enough so that I can always take care of him. So that he never knows abuse, neglect, or homelessness. I have always had a second mommie waiting in the wings for them. That is the only thing that gives me comfort. To know that they will be taken care of in my absence.

    I don't fear dying. I truly do not fear dying. But I do not want to leave those behind that I love.

    I can't do it Blue Grumpster. I can't. I can't do what I said I was gonna do. And I'm disappointed in myself for being so very weak. So so so very weak.

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    1. Well, at least you tried. As for my fear of dying.... it's the result of my loving life so much. I don't want to let go of it. Maybe if I get really ill again and the pain is more than I can handle...

      I do mind dying.

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    2. This is not my first time trying. Not my first. Several times I have tried.

      It is good that u love life. It is good that u are not miserable. Ur life with Angie is blessed. How lovely to have someone to love u and u love her back. I think that is why u are enjoying ur life. But we don't know what is beyond. We don't know how much better it will be. I imagine peace and contentment. No more hurt. No more pain. No more uncertainty. No worries. And won't it be a glorious day. I hope we all recognize one another heaven. Surely, we will.

      I live right across from St. Jude's Hospital, a children's hospital for children with cancer. U want some hope. U want to know about living life. Spend some time with the little ones there. They know what is valuable. Not life on Earth. I've heard so many stories of them talking about heaven. But I believe they come in innocence. Just like pups and cats. Innocence. Innocence. And full of love. Just so full of love.

      I hope that day never comes for u. Being extremely ill and more than u can handle. I hope that u go peacefully. Not in pain. No suffering.

      But I understand "I do mind dying."

      Most I know do mind dying. For whatever reason, I don't. I don't fear it. I don't fight it.

      My only feeling is that I will miss those that I love on Earth but I know one day they will be with me again and in that I can take comfort. It's not forever. It's just a short time in the scheme again. And to be content with my family/friends/pups that I love so much. My hope is that my brother softens. Let's go of his bitterness. That my oldest sister lets go of her hate and jealousy of my relationship with my dad, mom and stepmom. Because I would welcome her if she could let go of her hate towards me. My mom recently told her. U are so angry and u take it out on her. Why? I know why. She wants my spot in the family. But she lost that trust a long time ago with lies. I hope one day my sister and my brother can be together again like we were when we were children.

      Oh I can't be sad today, Blue Grumpster. I don't want to be sad. I want to be joyful. To appreciate the blessings God has given to me.

      To thank him for bringing ProfessorAlex into my life. Before I came into work this morning, I sat on the sofa reading my devotional and he jumped up beside me, laid beside me and laid his head on my lap and on top of my Bible and looked at me with those big puppy eyes. What a blessing--what a blessing God gave me. He knew I would be so sad after Buttons he gave me another to love another to care for--he knew I have a need to nurture. Have I shared my quote with u? "Mommie meaning me may run out of money but Mommie will never run out of love." Have u noticed that Blue? U can love so many and still have more love to give others. It's never ending. Something u never can run out of.

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    3. I know. You've told me so yourself.

      We don't know what is beyond. I would add: none of us knows if there even is something beyond. There's no one on this planet who knows. But there are a lot of people who choose to believe there's a better place waiting for them. I can understand that. It's the human thing to do. But there's a difference between knowing and believing. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I just try and live my life without hurting others. That should count for something. Yes, I love life. I love every minute of it. So much so that I'd be prepared to fight for it where others give up. I love it that much. I think too much time is wasted not appreciating or even acknowledging the beauty that surrounds us.

      Children with cancer… They are the only reason I donate some money each and every month. Children shouldn't have cancer if anyone. Sure, my Momma would say there's a plan for them, but that's hope talking. Hope is all we've got. I hope you'll get to see your loved ones again. I really do.

      It's good to hear you can't be sad today. Don't be blue like me. Sweet little Professor Alex…. Does he smile at you? Does he show you he loves you? That's called unconditional love. He trusts you. I remember how hard life was for him and then he met you. Yes, there's enough love to smother everyone ;)

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    4. Some may think me wrong but I do not say that everyone has to believe what I believe. And probably my Christian friends would say well then truly u do not believe. Yes. Yes. I do believe. But everyone has a choice. It's what they want to believe not what I want them to believe. Once one of my friends/coworkers got upset with me cuz we were talking and I said "Jesus is the way." And he really really really got upset with me. Stopped talking to me. My supervisors were happy though because he became extremely productive because he was angry with me. We used to sit side-by-side and we would hook our earphones into one CD Player/Stereo and he would choose the music we would listen to for the next 5 to 6 hours which was perfectly fine with me. There were six in our group and he was my partner. My statement was said in a group discussion. And I quote I said, "Jesus is the way for me." I didn't say y'all who do not believe will be going to hell. Well, he ripped that ear phone out of the CD player and literally did not speak to me for three days. I let him have his three days without saying anything. Later on, he said I can't stand this. I can't stand not being able to talk to u. I can't stand not being able to be friends with u. I told him I never took that away from u. I've never said anything at all as a matter of fact. He said I believe we all deserve to go to heaven and that if u are a nice person u will go to heaven. And I said that is fine. I understand that but here's the problem. According to ur belief, both u and I will be in heaven together. He said I have been mad at my girlfriend before but never did it affect the feeling that I had with u over these last three days. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I was so miserable. I was missing u. And I said to him. I never closed that door. I have always told u u don't have to agree with me. I said u turned from me not the other way around. So let us forgive one another and just go on. Ok. I believe in Jesus. That's the way for me. It does not mean that I don't value what u believe. It means that is what I believe. Some say ur pets don't go to heaven. They don't have souls they say. I hope that is not true. I surely want to be with all of my pets again. But once again, I won't know till I go there. I'm a very optimistic woman. I can see the good even when it's bad. I know that it will get better. So yes I understand what u are saying. I think we all have to go to our spiritual places ALONE. It is a place that no one else can understand.

      Professor does actually smile. And he has the whitest teeth I have ever seen. I wonder what his secret is. He could be on a toothpaste commercial. Most comment on his teeth. They are unique. I don't know how to describe them. I love his eyes most of all and his sweet sweet little head and ears. They are darling.

      I question why I can't let go. Why? Why? Why? Why? But I can't think about that anymore. Maybe one day I will know why it's been so hard for me to let go. I have to get my mind elsewhere. So now when my mind wanders to thoughts that take me down roads I don't want to go I turn to my reading or I take ProfessorAlex for a walk or I listen to music. I'm trying to forget. It's not easy. It's really not easy.

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    5. Oops I said here's the problem. According to ur belief, both u and I will go to heaven because we're pretty nice people. But according to my belief, u won't be there. So it's like when u look at those choices I get to go either way but if I'm right then u won't be there with me. This sounds really awful but I said it much better in person. And it makes me look like a nasty little beyotch. I don't beat the Bible. I live my life according to what I believe and know. And guess who comes to me to pray on their behalf in their time of need. Me. And they don't believe. And if I do something that they deem inappropriate "Say a cuss word." Well, goodness knows they are SHOCKED. In fact in Bible Study last night, I might have used the "f" word. Yep can u believe that. U see it's my world. My work world can be UGLY. Day job. Not everyone is able to work where I work. I mean let us look at the last week all the hell I went through. But that's the way it is up there. U either are able to flow with it or u are out. They move people whom can't handle it. It's not for everybody. It is for me though. I have to curb my language at times. My dad unfortunately when I get "riled" up hears a lot of inappropriate words. And I grew up in strict strict strict atmosphere. So it's comical now the conversations we have because it's like "That's just her." I speak up. Maybe I speak up too much. And maybe God is working on me in that area. But boy am I hard to break. I am really hard to break from what I believe is right.

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    6. Hahaha "Smother" Are u alleging that I am a smother? Just asking.

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    7. Why would anyone think you wrong? "Then truly you do not believe"? That makes no sense. What it does show is how religion and people go hand in hand with politics, which I'm not a fan of as you may know. People should stop feeling superior and leave people with different ideas be. That's how I see it. Allow me to be cynical for just a moment just to get a point across. Imagine that the millions of people, no zillions of people, who have been fighting each other, killing each other, cursing each other 'for the sake' of their religion. And imagine that all of them spent their lives trying to impose their views on others. And then imagine them all being wrong and they do not even get to find out there's no afterlife. Just bear with me for a moment. Imagine this scenario to be the truth. What does that tell us about the human race? That's my question. You see, Miss Stormy Marples, I respect every person on this planet irrespective of what they believe or who they believe in. If there's a God who created everything and everyone, what would he or she (again, a human distinction) think of our petty fights? Ever since I was a kid, I refused to believe we were made in anyone's image, simply because we are so egotistical, self-important if also kind. I believe I was the only one in my family to stray from the main path, say. I believe in the goodness that we're capable of in spite of what history teaches us. In spite of it. But I'm allergic to power struggles, politics - like people who stop talking to you… people can be so childish - and imposed religious views. The only reason my Momma is a Christian is because she wasn't born in a place where Christian believes are considered irrelevant. Do you see my point? I hope there's a heaven, I hope there's more to the universe than this. I will be kind to those who are kind to me and try to see the good even when it's bad. Did you know that Elvis owned a necklace with the symbols of various religions? He said, "I don't was to miss out on heaven because of technicality". It's a sentence I will never forget. It pretty much sums up what I said about people and pettiness.

      The F-word is just a word. Nothing more, nothing less. People just love walking on egg shells, don't they? Well, I tell them Go ahead. Just keep me out of the equation. No, I'm not alleging you smother people or pets alike with love. I just love that word.

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    8. I will have to reply when I get home. Still at Coffeehouse. I love discussions.

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  6. Nah, never bothered me
    Seen a lot at my sea
    When it comes it comes
    It'll be see you later chums
    I'll fight to live until the end
    But when its my turn to go around the bend
    Bring it on I say
    Just be a new place to play
    Hopefully won't happen for 40 years or so
    But you just never know

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    1. That's what I thought you would say
      Being brave and all at your kitty bay
      Seen a lot at my sea too
      So much so I should've been real Grumpy Goo
      It made me want to stay forever
      Sing along Highlander cat so clever
      I'll fight until I'm dead and gone
      Making some puke, make some yawn
      Don't think there's a new place
      Is why I don't have a happy face
      40 years or so would be great
      Pat may it come too late

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    2. Hopefully it comes late
      But fate is fate
      When the time comes due
      Hopefully I just go quick at my zoo
      No suffering crap
      Be nice to be a highlander chap
      But there can be only one
      That can be high on fun

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    3. Keep your kitty fingers crossed
      The ones you haven’t um... lost
      Yikes what did I say
      On a summery day in May?
      I mean the ones that get um.. tossed?
      No, the ones you use when getting bossed
      (Both of them)
      See I'm getting old and grumpy too
      There can only be one at your zoo
      How's that for soothing words
      Makes you want to sing along with bluebirds
      That highlander chap's lucky
      Reminding me of some neverending duckie
      Project - Lynda's - as we speak
      Not wanting us to take a peek
      No suffering crap where do I sign?
      Of course I sign up… Don't need to be Einstein.

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    4. Look at you go to and fro
      Talking about down below
      There your mind does linger
      From that to finger?
      Yep, they were tossed,
      At quite the cost
      Zip a dee do dah day
      That is racist they say
      Might not be PC
      Better watch the nuts at your sea lol

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    5. So you noticed my going to and fro?
      The Cat sees more than meets the eye at my show
      My mind is not so much a secret place
      Especially when we're talking fur and lace
      No, not Cagney and Lacey
      That's not very racy
      Unless you're Stacy
      The Cat's not very PC at the place to be
      And he does it all for free

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  7. Death is a very common, understandable fear. I think we all fear some aspect of death or another. Whether we fear death itself, or the consequences for those we leave behind.

    As for me, I don't necessarily fear death itself, because I have a very firm belief in life after death. However, I do hate the idea of not being here with my kids when they need me. Not being able to hug them, or give them comfort when they're sad...the very thought breaks my heart.

    Just do everything that you can in this life to love your family and be there for your friends. Then, when your time does come, you won't be forgotten. We live beyond death, through the people who knew and loved us in life. I truly believe that. And as for what awaits beyond this world, it's more than just nothingness. I've had a brush with death myself, and when I was hovering somewhere between this life and the next, I caught a brief glimpse of what awaits. Family and friends who have gone on before us, and peace. So much peace.

    I know that there's really nothing that I can say that will erase your fear, I'm just telling you what I feel, and what I've seen. It will all be alright in the end.

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    1. Good to hear you have a firm belief in life after death. Pretty much everyone in my family is religious too and they share your belief 100%. How come I'm the odd one out, I wonder.

      Yes, the idea of leaving everyone behind is not my favorite thought either. It's sad, very sad. I'd rather have some of your cake please. "More than just nothingness…" I like that even if there's nothing you can say to erase my fear.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Candice. I appreciate that. Now, where's my slice?

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    2. Your cake is in the mail, along with that chocolate chip cookie... :)

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    3. Mark Twain — 'I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience...'

      I like this...

      ~shoes~

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    4. Which is true. Not the slightest inconveniece.

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  8. The older I get, the less scared I am of dying. Make that being dead. I am not actually crazy about the DYING part. But, the being dead part... I am okay with that. I now have more family members on the Other Side than I do on this one. I think that in another 40 years (when I am in my 80s) I will be perfectly content to go. I would actually be okay with going tomorrow if I felt I were ready and finished everything I set out to do (but I am not finished).

    Do you believe that the soul lives forever? If you do, that should make it easier. All of the people you love are waiting in a place that you simply cannot see. They are not "dead," but are in fact the most alive they can possibly be. More alive than we all are right now. Something to ponder...

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    1. The older I get, the more indifferent I become. The more often sarcoidosis stares me in the face, the more I laugh at it. But I'm still scared. I will die screaming or crying or both. I just hope I will not know I'm dying. Ironically, I could live with that.

      No I don't. I don't even think we have a soul. But that's just me. I think we are our brains, is all. Nothing more, nothing less. I suppose that's my take on believing, for I know as little as everyone else on this planet. Why not believe something that's a bit more consoling, right? I know. I just don't think we are so special we get to live yet another life. I believe we just want there to be more so we can cope with loss and our own mortality. It's like our collective fascination with superheroes, wizards, even vampires and werewolves … we just want life to go on and on. I understand that perfectly.

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    2. I remember standing at the grave site of my Grandmother Brown... and being overwhelmed by a great sadness.... a great grief... but after it passed... a great calmness.

      I have come to believe that I am the reincarnation of my Grandmother Brown... and it has greatly changed me as a person...

      Could I be wrong?

      You bet!

      ~shoes~

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    3. Calmness... there's that word again. You could be wrong but you might be right. That's the essence of religious beliefs. There's no science. There's no certainty. But we will find out.

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  9. Oh that pierced my heart.

    "I don't think we have a soul."

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    1. I can imagine it did. But I do think we have a heart both literally and figuratively. Don't let it pierce your heart. Life's too short to let my views get to you, dear Miss Stormy Marples.

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  10. I wonder what the point of it all is, to be honest. The human race ... the bullies of the world. I am ashamed to be part of it. But, as we have no choice about our birth, we also have no choice re our death. Perhaps better and brighter things are in store? Can't be worse can it?

    Keep beating that drum, Blue.

    Oh, and as for Facebook (Farcebook) ... what a pile of old rubbish. Don't do it! :)

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    1. Only people think there needs to be a point. We're programmed that way. Which is fine, I guess. It makes us want to learn more. And yet somehow we haven't learned all that much if you know what I mean. And I know you know what I mean. Don't be ashamed of it, though. We could decide to have some cake and mind our own business. Does that sound like a plan to you?

      Farcebook.... sounds so much beter already. No, I won't. To each their own, but leave me out of the equation FB fetishists.

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    2. Provided it comes with a side of blue cheese and glass of chardonnay.

      And you're dead right. Only people think there needs to be a point. It provides a crutch maybe? Give me a broken leg any old day and watch me wobble my way down the slippery path to ... wherever ...

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    3. A side of blue cheese and a glass of chardonnay… Of course, that's a given. Chardonnay happens to be my favorite white wine. Let's make it one bottle, okay?

      Yep… wherever. And it gets worse when youngsters and strangers alike look at you going down that path and think, Whatever…

      That said, where's that bottle…

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    4. Exactly. 'Whatever' ... how I hate that word when it's not in context. Like, I don't know ... 99% of the time. Ah, the youth of today ...

      And yes, where is that bottle of wine? I think I need a glass. No, perhaps I'll have two.

      Enjoy your weekend, Blue.

      Delete
    5. Crikey, human Wendy. I keep seeing you at Blue Dude's site and then back at your site and then back at Blue Dude's site and then....

      I think you need a whole warehouse full of whine, sorry, wine. Gidday human, Wendy! :) Oh and hey there, Blue Dude.

      Pawsitive wishes,

      Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :)

      Delete
    6. Penny! Ah, my number one fan :) How delightful it is to see you again so soon :) We really should, however, stop meeting like this. Especially as it's only very early in the afternoon Down Under (1pm to be precise) and already I'm talking about wine. Crikey!

      Hi, Blue!

      Delete
    7. @Wendy - Whatever when it's not in context, meaning See if I care….. Two glasses or two bottles? Seems to me one bottle each might do the trick.
      @Gary um… Penny - Hey there, Pentastic Penny.

      Delete
    8. Definitely two bottles. Large glasses. Don't forget the ripe blue cheese on the side.

      As you were.

      Delete
  11. I feel the same way at times. I just try to remind myself that the reason I fear death is because it means I no longer get to experience life. So I might as well enjoy myself experiencing life while I can and stop stressing about it ending. It's like going to a great party. You don't want to spend your whole time at the party worrying about when it's going to end, do you?

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    1. I know and you're right. Also, when you're at a party, you're not drinking milk. Just saying.

      Delete
  12. I don't know grumpy if I think Im not especially scared, I know some day will happens:) But like Adam sometimes I hope not still.
    Well only God knows:)
    Anyway that really afraid me is when I think in my dad, mom, family I love, this is really difficult!
    I love your draw is really cute,you d I love how you drawing!
    xx

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    1. Hi there, Gloria! Yes, exactly... When you think about your loved ones, it makes you wish life were a bit longer. Some say it's all about quality, and I agree, but 80 years (if we're lucky) is nothing. Poof! It's gone!

      Thanks for the compliment. This drawing was hard, though not nearly as hard as the rocket :)

      Delete
    2. I was think about this again I think the faith (believe in God you know) is something important. Of course I dont think everybody have faith.
      But when you have you really rest in God you feel He loves you and He will help you any time. That is
      Of course Im not saying you have to do.
      Only I think like my REALLY personal experience not always I had Faith by a time I was like a joung lady you know that only ive
      But So me day He touch my heart and was like I always wait for this.
      Like Saint Paul:)
      I repeat is a really personal feeling and only share for my lovely friend Grunpy.
      I know I have to work!
      xx

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    3. Of course it is important. It gives a person a sense of hope. Hope is important. I'm glad to hear you've found your hope. Thank you for sharing that, Gloria. I appreciate it.

      Delete
    4. That's true but is not only the hope grumpy is really difficult explain the faith is like explain love :only happens grumpy!
      xo

      Delete
  13. Replies
    1. Ah.... now I know what your secret project is all about! You're brewing a special potion! And it's not Love Potion #9.

      Delete
  14. Hey Blue,

    Life will be the death of me
    That's plain to see
    Maybe I'm already dead
    I'm pretend I said
    Maybe I'm reincarnated
    I stated
    As a used toilet brush
    Never in a rush
    Farcebook
    Must have a look
    My dead profiles
    Can bring smiles
    Or piles
    Of trials

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rappin' Gary... hey, what's that you're saying?
      A toilet brush human pretending to be playing?
      If you are dead, what state do you reckon I'm in
      Ready for Farcebook or maybe just the bin?
      Stay around dead or alive or somewhere in between
      Life will be the death of you - cut that final scene

      Delete
  15. The world has gone so crazy that I am not scared any more.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The first time I got seriously ill and my world went crazy, I was as scared as a mouse in a rotten cheese cave, but then something similar happened again and I started to not care anymore. Then I recovered and my fears were fully restored. Thanks for stopping by, Lady Lilith. Yes, the world has gone crazy. I blame politicians, greed and FaceBook. Well, maybe not FaceBook....

      Delete
  16. I certainly think about it more than I used to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be careful, Sandra. THAT'S how it all starts! :)

      Delete
  17. Yes I'm afraid...I think mostly it's the loneliness of it all. People who are dying really are all alone, even when they're surrounded by people. Does that make sense? But I think I'm more afraid of someone close to me dying. My mom is in her mid-60s, as well, and I think about that a lot.

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    1. Exactly. I clearly remember how incredibly lonely my Granny was 24/7 in spite of all of our regular visits and our conscious attempts to keep her involved in our lives. I would say that being lonely is even worse than being dead. When we get old, it's like the world slowly but surely turns its back on us. Today, being young is such an important concept - almost a recipe for being successful and loved - that those who are old (whatever that means) are not even taken seriously except by their loved ones. We don't want to think about getting older and I agree that obsessing about it is unhealthy and a waste of energy, but before we know it we're 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 and we find ourselves asking: "How the hell did that happen?" I don't think anyone wants to be lonely. When you're in your twenties, it's easy to say you need to be tough and stop whining. Or to say, You sound like an old person. But something tells me no one wants to grow old and be lonely. I know, young people can be lonely too, but it's bound to happen with a vengeance when you can't keep up with the rest of the pack. My Momma is in her mid-60's and I hope she gets to live to see the year 2040. Think about it… that's only 25 years. It makes me sad. It makes me want to crack a joke and focus on living again. Do you know what I mean?

      Delete
  18. Hi Blue....
    I just don't want to be a drooling fool...and my kids go " is mom still drooling?"
    Not AFRAID to die......but perhaps afraid of DYING.....make sense?
    Hey...I am 5 months younger than your Mom.....YIKES!
    Enjoy your weekend Blue.....
    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Linda, my sweet friend with the beautiful view (and toe). Yes, what you're saying makes perfect sense. I reckon when you're dead, you're dead (no way!) and it's too late to remember your fears. Some of us believe you won't be able to remember anything like when you weren't born yet. I see death as the equivalent of not being born yet. I don't remember 1900. I don't remember 1910 either. It was absolute nothingness.

      Five months younger…. Is that a fact? So, you're very young, right? Well, I know you know like no one else how to seize (not cease) the day, and I'm a witness to how good you're at it, whether we're talking birds or icebergs rudely invading your space. ;)

      Enjoy the weekend, Linda!

      Delete
    2. Guess what Blue?
      THEY'RE BACK!
      Come over and see....

      Thanks for your kind words♥️

      Delete
    3. I saw your pictures. We should've knocked on wood um.. ice?

      Delete
  19. I never used to be afraid of dying, only afraid of leaving my children motherless (I was for my later teen years), but now I do worry about it, mostly about not getting everything done I want to do before my time is up. I'm hoping I get to bring my computer along to my next world. In Heaven they skip the beer, but please, God, don't make me quit writing.
    I still don't want to leave my children motherless, even though they are adults now.
    Deb@ http://debioneille.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. I hear ya. I'm 43 - about to turn 44 in six weeks - and people still raise their eyebrows when I tell them I don't have kids. " In Heaven they skip the beer, but please, God, don't make me quit writing…" That when straight into my long term memory. I reckon no one wants to leave their loved ones. I know I don't. I can be tough and say, "Everybody dies" like that means something but I'm a thinking and a blue one at that. I'd like to stay, please. Do you know that Queen song Who Wants To Live Forever? Whenever I ask my students is they'd want that, 95% of them look at me like I'm crazy. Then when I ask 70-year-olds, they don't think I'm crazy at all. Now, why is that?

      I hope you get to bring your computer.

      Delete
  20. I will respond sometime Friday. I know it's Friday already. We had a crazy night at the Coffeehouse. I had to send my supervisor down to the Medical ER Clinic as she was deathly sick about 7:30 p.m. And we had inventory. Plus three women customers whom wanted to be beyotches. So I smoothed that over so they were content and not mad anymore. And then I saw my cop friend's lovely smiling face and that made my night even if I only got to see him for a second. I will respond tomorrow. Okie dokie.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Beyotches... I hate it when that happens. But I love the way you say, "Okie dokie". Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

      Delete
  21. I need to try to shorten my comments a wee bit.

    I agree with what u have said in regards to people have every right to believe in what they want too. There is only one exception that I would make to that and that is if there beliefs hurt people. I study the Bible because I want to know and learn. I don't force my studying on anyone. I go to classes where others are seeking out knowledge too. Only my actions would tell u that I am Christian.

    Why do people kill one another? I have no idea. I would question why we abuse one another and I include myself in that why do I abuse people. There are varying degrees of abuse. I don't intentionally set out to hurt anyone but sometimes my words do. They are offended by what I've said. This is me. I will take what u say. Look at if there is any truth to it in regards to me or my behavior. If so, change what I think needs to be changed. If I don't agree with what you've said then I will want to talk about it if I care about u. If I don't care about u, then I just try to keep u out of my life as much as possible.

    There was so much more I wanted to talk about but I do not have the time today unfortunately. My schedule is 8:00 to 4:00 at day job and then home for short time period to be with Professor and have a cat nap and then 6:00 p.m. to 11:30 for night job. This is my world on Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri. Last night, kicked our asses because of one being out and my supervisor needed to be at the Medical ER Clinic. So down two people plus having on top of normal duties inventory. But we did it. Teamwork. But I was a very tired puppy last night.

    Prince William and Prince Harry possible Princess Katherine are in town. I loved Princess Diana. As well, on my way in, one of the lawyers stopped me and said today was going to be a drama filled day. We are having issues with Judge Brown whom had a reality tv show so needless to say someone's EGO is mighty huge and he is in court and not in a good way.

    When I got home last night, the Professor had a stomach issue. Vomiting. And I did not recognize what he threw up so I don't know how he came about whatever he ate. It was not anything I fed him. And the studio is puppy proof. He might have picked up something on our walks that I did not see him do. Our first, tummy ache. And, of course, I watched over him last night to make sure that it was just a normal tummy issue and not something worse.

    Friday is here. It will be busy workwise.

    However, my weekends are always free. No work ever. Just play and church on Sundays. And there is a lot going on in my town today.

    U definitely do have a heart that is for sure. I guess heart and soul to me are the same thing in a sense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would you want to shorten your comments? You just like to write. Of course, there are only 24 hours in a day…

      Beliefs don't hurt people. People hurt people. People who want to impose their views on others hurt people. People who think they know what others should think hurt people. People who claim their religion equals fact hurt people. People hurt people. Well, that's how I see it.

      No need to apologize for not having enough time. Time is precious, remember, and it makes me happy that anyone would spend some of their time reading my stuff and commenting on it too. I'm not talking THUMB UP or THUMP DOWN or +LIKE…. That kinda thing.

      Two jobs…. I once had three jobs, then decided maybe that's a bit much, then two jobs and now only one. I may not be rich but I feel free as a bluebird most of the time. It's a luxury I am very much aware of. Team work… I'm afraid I'm not much of a team-player nor do I hold a high opinion of royalty, the concept that is. You know my few on politics and politicians.

      Poor little Professor. I'm sure you took good care of my friend. I hope he's feeling better now. Pets can't tell us where it hurts so I find it's always very worrying when I sense one of my feline friends is not feeling very well or even sick.

      Have a wonderful weekend, Miss Stormy Marples.

      Delete
  22. Wow, I thought I'd die before I was able to scroll to the bottom past these massive tomes people are writing in response. I don't have much to add to the conversation. I too fear death. That's part of the human condition, blessed with the ability to reason and communicate while cursed with the burden of contemplation of death. I fear a painful death more than anything. But now that marijuana is getting legalized hither and yon, maybe I don't have to worry about a slow painful death anymore. Well, as the Jewish have been toasting for centuries, "L'Chaim" little blue one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good thing you survived. I couldn't live a happy life knowing I was partly responsible for your tomy demise. Be careful of stacks of tomes, Mr. Green. I'm surprised to hear you fear death. I thought you were as brave as the next pickle - or at least as brave. But now I know you are a sweet and sensitive scaredy cat like me. I feel so close to you right now I fear I might turn green too. Ahem… I mean let's smoke one together and talk about the purpose of life. Everyone seems to know what life is all about but not us. What do you say? Yes, man!

      Did you say, Little Blue Ones?

      Delete
  23. Dear Blue, wow, this is coincidence, man (although I don't believe in coincidence, as you may know). I was planning to write a post about the same topic, because I'm getting more and more like you: afraid of death, especially about other people's death, but sometimes even a little bit about my own final days. Can I still write that post, I'm wondering? It's just that a couple of days ago I was thinking about one of our conversations when you mentioned your fear of death. And then I thought about my own situation. Back then I know I said I wasn't afraid at all. Things can change, though... I will write that post, probably tomorrow. However, now I'm slightly influenced. What you're saying is practically what I wanted to say. How close can two minds be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *other people's deaths

      Delete
    2. Coincidence equals acceptance that our role in the universe is small and unrelated to our egos. Sorry, I couldn't help myself, feeling self-important and all. It's a sunny day. Blame Helios. You can still quote me, though.

      You were saying…

      Nay, you were wondering if you could still write that post considering I might sue you for copycatting my blue thoughts. I would not. But I somehow feel responsible for having instilled a sense of fear in Debz. Talk about self-importance, I know. Hey, fear is only natural or so Pickleope Von Pickleope The Wise. He's a friend of mind and very smart. My guess would be the man um.. pickle knows what he's talking about. So write that post if you haven't done so already. I'll stop by and check your grammar. ;)

      How close can two minds be? Well, why do you think everyone on this planet's got an origin myth / truth? Why is it that we feel the need to sacrifice animals and flowers and, at some point in time, people? Our brains work the same, ergo we think alike.

      Enough said. Enjoy the weekend. ;)

      Delete
    3. I wrote that post today :) I mean, yesterday, for it's already Sunday morning when I'm writing this, it's 2 AM. (I'm back from an evening full of stargazing at the Leiden observatory) Thanks for your elaborated answer. You too enjoy your weekend, or what's left of it. Hope to see you on my blog! May is BPD Awareness month and I wrote a post on that too a couple of days ago. Take care over there, my Blue friend. Now I'm off to bed with a book :)

      Delete
    4. No need to thank me. What's that book you're reading?

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    5. The fall of five, fourth book in the I-am-number-four quadrilogy :)

      Delete
    6. Also called the Lorien legacies :D

      Delete
    7. I feel so ignorant. I've never heard of the Lorien legacies....

      Delete
    8. Don't. I'd never heard of them until Amazon made the suggestion to me based on what I'd ordered before. It's SF, but I love the books. Maybe you remember the movie "I am number four"? That's the first book of the Lorien Legacies.

      Delete
  24. That's hard - big hugs. You and I have more things in common. I had the same near death experience and LOVE that cartoon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the hugs. They were big. Always good to hear we have something in common. It makes me feel less lonely. The exact same near death experience? Sayit ain't so. That cartoon is henceforth my favorite. I do know it's the first time I've seen my own backside.... Scary stuff.

      Delete
  25. Bless your heart... the fact of the matter is that we never know...

    When... what... how...

    With that outbreak of tornadoes here in Mississippi and Alabama last week... a young man from Mississippi who was on the swim team at the University of Alabama died during one of the tornadoes...

    He was 22...

    He did what he was supposed to do...

    He and his Girlfriend were in the basement at the house they were renting.. and the wall started to collapse... this young fellow had the wherewithal to hold the wall back... and yell for his girlfriend to get out... she did... and then the wall collapsed and he died...

    My friend, Scooter, died...

    My sister died...

    My next door neighbor died Wednesday...

    As you so eloquently put it, we are all heading towards that cliff...

    Your Mom is 65?

    Ramblings on my part...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PS: Have I told you how old I am?

      ~shoes~

      Delete
    2. That's guy sacrificed himself for his girlfriend. Something tells me you would do the same. We need to rescue the ones we love, right? But it's really sad. It makes you wonder about your own destiny, your own path… Where does it lead…. Where's that sign that says, "End of the road, pal"? That kinda happy stuff.

      Yes, my Momma is almost 65. She's my aunts and uncles' baby sister plus she was only 20 when she got me and sang: "I got you, babe!"

      How old you are? Young at heart? I'll turn 44 on June 14th - well, that's the plan - so do tell. Make me feel like a spring chicken again!

      Delete
    3. 62...

      Feel better now?

      HAR!

      ~shoes~

      Delete
    4. You know... I realize now why I've obsessed so over the scattering of Scooter's ashes... I see that in this year of loss that I've experienced... that I've had no control over those events... (not that I should have had)... and this will be one event that is related to those losses over which I will have control... hence the issue about it being 'right'...

      Thank you for this realization, Grumpster...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
    5. I could've sworn you were, what... 53? Yep, that's a compliment. HAR! is the word. Say it loud and lose a wrinkle. (A what?)

      What you're saying makes perfect sense to me, Shoes. Perfect sense.

      Delete
  26. I turned 44 this year and 3 years ago my mom passed away. Both of her parents were 63 and 64 when they passed on and she was 63...strange, right? My dad is 81 years old and still going strong so maybe I'll live another 20 years or maybe a lot more, who knows. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid that I will want my family to know something and I won't have left it out for them to find. This worries me so much so that I signed up for a service called Dead Man's Switch, they will send a letter that you've written to two email addresses when they don't hear from you for 90 consecutive days. So I wrote letters to all my family members and have it sent to send to two family members in the event of my death. I also wrote letters on my computer and have them stored in the draft folders of my email account but it only works if you tell people about it so all of my family members know about these things so they can look for them...just in case.

    Everyone and everything does, it's part of the life cycle. I'm ok with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Everyone and everything dies"...not does. lol good grief.

      Delete
    2. I'll turn 44 in six weeks. Since quite a few men in our family died before the age of 60, I keep thinking... 15 years left doesn't sound like a lot. Dead Man's Switch... makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for sharing. Everyone dies... I know. Somehow I refuse to resign to the fact that that includes all of us too.

      Delete
    3. Everyone and everything does, it's part of the life cycle. I'm ok with that.

      Mary... when I read your 'everything does,' I figured you meant everything does (die)... so it did work...

      ~shoes~

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    4. No need to use your checkers, Shoes...

      Delete
  27. I turn 58 this year and don't care one way or another if I live much longer than that. My mom died at 92. I don't want to hang on that long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which only goes to show how different all of us are. Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete
  28. I have two children who are grown, on their own and doing wonderfully well. I have a daughter who is 15. She won't need me much longer either (not in the sense of truly needing me). Our youngest though, is 6. He needs me. Though my oldest and his wife agreed to raise him should something happen to my husband and I, I don't want to leave him without a mom. When he's grown, and able to take care of himself without having to rely on anyone else, then I won't be scared to pass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good evening, Rosey. Unlike you, I don't have children so I can only imagine what it must feel like to be a parent, but I hear what you're saying and I'm pretty sure I'd feel the exact same way.

      Delete
  29. JungleJimJacksonMay 3, 2014 at 2:20 PM

    Flesh being flesh, and nothing more, it dies. The waist of energy, all used up, the spirit must move on. Never dying, new shape and space, form remains unknown. Spiirit is what spirit was....changed, and yet the same

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'll try and remember that. Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete
  30. Well poo poo do u know that u can only type 4096 characters at a time on this thing. Thing is I wrote u a fabulous response and now my mind is wandering (ADD you know) so I can't rewrite it just now.

    But know that I love both my jobs. I am very appreciative that I have two jobs. I work my bum off at both of them but I love them as well. My day job is for the norm rent, electric, whatnot. Night job is for the pups. Buttons and Patches had extremely high vet bills. And I will carry on for ProfessorAlex. My "labor of love". I think that is why I do not mind working the night job. Plus I have my schedule figured out so that I get a lot out of life and rest too. My weekends are totally free so I do get to have a life and go out of town and whatnot. I have Wednesday night off so I get a break between M, Tu and then Th, F

    Well, lots to do today. We slept in till almost noon. I was a tired puppy. I did get up and take the Professor for a walk at 6:00 a.m. but then we came back in and fell right back asleep. I don't set alarms for Saturdays at all. I wake up when I wake up. The Professor wakes me up if he needs to go outside. And he just goes with the flow. Oh we are going back to bed. Cool mommie. And he snuggles up beside me and we got back to sleep. I just got back from cemetery with him. I gave him an extra long walk outside. Now, he is napping in the cool, dark studio. I am meeting friends for a few hours for Mexican food and time together.

    Have a blessed weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love fabulous responses. Good to hear you love your jobs. There are plenty of folk out there who don't. I'm pretty sure of that. Seems to me Professor Alex has a cool Momma too.

      Today has been a good day in all respects. I hope the same goes for you.

      Delete
  31. *Reads post. Rushes to wine cabinet and opens bottle of red. Fuck it. (yes...fuck it)* Life's too short. Cliche but the cliches win. Anyone who says they're not scared is a big fat liar or not in touch with themselves. As Wood Allen said : I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens. I'll go with that Woody.

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    1. I love it when you say fuck it. I love it because you say it like you mean it. I love your passion. I love what you said about people being liars or not in touch with themselves. To which I'd like to add heads in the sand. Thanks, Jules. Thanks, Wood. Wait... Jules... fuck it... wood? Is it just me? ;)

      Delete
  32. It's not the dying that bothers me, but the leaving behind of my children and husband. The only thing I can do it try to make as many memories as possible for them while I am still here, so I can forever be remembered in their hearts. Those are the only 3 witnesses I care about. Facebook family and friends can suck it for all I care. Not that I don't love my friends and family, but it's the kids and hubs that will be shattered by my passing. The rest will pick up and move on just fine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear yah, Theresa. It all makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

      Delete
  33. Again one more sweet post, I have a granny who I love the most, she is old very old around 80 and she was busy as a bee and she still busy as a bee you cant see her waste time or complain a moment about anything or anyone. I love that about her unfortunately none of her spawns inherited her qualities, the saddest part ever. Nowadays I am not able to talk to her, or is she able to see me via webcam her sight is gone, and it really feels sad to see old age taking toll on my grandma one of my favorite persons in the world.
    Personally death doesn't scare me and I wasn't bothered by it anyway, yeah the separation yes maybe I would just make peace with my mind that they just moved to 8th continent and communication is lost and they are safe there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The 8th continent... I'll try and remember that. So when I'm gone, you know whee to send your comment. To the 8th continent, where I'll have built a little blue palace near the beach. Yes, it sad to see the people you love grow old, forgetful, speech-impaired, blind and what not.... I think it's cruel. Personally I don't think we were made in anyone's image. I mean, look at us....

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Speak your mind.