"What love life?!" I see...Well, even your imaginary love life can be spiced up, and it does not require any tools from eBay. Especially when they're second hand and, clearly, something fishy's going on. Sniff sniff. Fishy. All you need is my blue app. Go to www.bluegrumpster.com and donate a measly $100 to acquire your personalized miracle. Remember, there's no price on love, so $100 is a bargain you won't find at Macy's ─ not now, not ever. Of course, I need to know your address, your shoe size, not to mention your butt size and the size of your ego. It's all relevant. Don't think my app is not complex. It's an intricate little devil, so I will also be needing your home address and the names of your imaginary lovers. Blue App is the name of the game and we take anything that's your business seriously. Intrigued yet?
So how does it work? Well, if I told you, I would have to tickle you to death and hide you in my little blue cave 'till the end of time and the monkeys rule the whole wide world, for the ingredients I used to perfect the Blue App are a bigger secret than Charlie's Wonka bars or the Pope's pink underwear. But I can tell you how to use it. Press "Of course I'm not scared" and follow the easy instructions. You may first want to select a sexy voice to get into the mood. Press 1 if Harry Potter does it for you, press 2 if Voldemort is more your thing or press 3 to receive instructions from a Russian dominatrix. She does speak English so as to ensure perfect communication. It is imperative that you stick the complementary silicone earplug in your favorite ear and press start. Say, “Test one two test one two where's my shoe?” and you're set.
Now it's time to conquer the love of your life (or the one-night stand of your um... night). Walk up to the most gorgeous person in sight and say, “Hello.” Keeping your smart phone in your pocket (and making sure your Momma doesn't dial your number), all you need to do is listen to Potter, Voldemort or your sly Russian dominatrix. The Blue App monitors your conversational partner's heartrate, analyzes everybody's words and tells you what to say next. You can't go wrong. Even Pickleope won't be able to resist the beauty of your charms, the poem that is you. You will be dazzling. You will be unbelievable. A catch.
There's no doubt about it, you need the Blue App. You want it more than anything else, and you want it now. Just remember: Love is in the air. Sniff sniff. And it smells good.
Do you have an app fetish?
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