MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Monday, December 22, 2014

I Must Be Really Selfish

Do you know that feeling when someone really kind is talking to you and you just want to shut down? When someone needs your attention and they're looking at you talking and talking seemingly for hours on end and all you really want to do is say, "So what?" 

I must be really selfish. Maybe it's because I'm not happy. Maybe it's because I'm not really living life to the fullest. Maybe. The fact remains that when it's dark and I'm driving by myself on the freeway taking in the beauty of my world, I cry in silence to a tune only to deny it ever happened come the following day. My life is not a mess. I'm not starving. I'm not poor. Who am I to think, So this is it? Is this what my life is gonna be like for the next few decades?

I love driving through town in the middle of the night with a bit of music to accompany me. And my thoughts. I see people waiting for a bus that never comes. It's raining and I'm warm and dry. So who am I to even dare complain? Why am I so sad? I'm always, always sad, even when I tell the best of jokes. I'm good at telling jokes. I was born that way. People look at me and I see their mouths moving, but I don't hear a thing. I see frustration in their eyes or joy, they smile at me, and I hear myself think, So what? Do you really think it matters?

 Either I'm blind or I see too much. I still haven't figured out which one it is.

* * *
Click on it... the song that somehow always does the trick...



61 comments:

  1. I think they call that a rut, like being in limbo.
    Hope you find your peace.
    And hope you have a great Christmas.

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    1. The King of Ruts. Thanks, Alex. Have fun.

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  2. Maybe you should get an audio book or carpool, something to distract you from the overwhelming emotions because I don't think driving while crying is very safe. Sounds like you're getting choked by depression. I hope you're able to clear that fog soon, Grumpster.

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    1. Sound advice, as always. Thanks, Pickster.

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  3. sometimes when we suffer too much in our lives we do tend to get numb... a human heart can take only so much... or little....
    I've always thought that you should do some kind of charity work, Blue, voluntary, it could give you the fulfilment that you are missing even though you have a house to live in, a wife to cuddle next to and food to eat.

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    1. Charity is my middle name, Dezz. But these days I can barely stand, unfortunately. A life without fulfilment isn't worth living for, I agree. A life with fulfilment is hard to let go of.

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    2. which doesn't mean you shouldn't live a fulfilled one no matter how long it lasts ... can't run away from it just because it might end ....sooner for some... later for others....

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  4. Cheers to Alex, Pickleope, and Dezmond!! You have some good friends(smile).

    "So what? Does it really matter?" No - feel better now?
    You think you're being selfish? Happiness comes from within - not from outside sources. You know this, dahlink.
    I read on a blog this morning... a guy asked... what would you rather have for Christmas? Presents or presence? Me - the gifts are nice, but... give me presence! His presence! Without that I can't be happy or anything else. His presence teaches me how to love me. Me, first. Then the good stuff rolls downhill to others. I can't be what I can't be. It takes He. And I especially cannot give others what I don't have to give. But that's me, less anyone would dare be offended because I express love in the way that works for me. (Eyes glazing over yet?)
    I don't come here for your jokes. (No?) I come here because of the things you say that provoke me to think about where I am. Where I'm going will take care of itself. Then, if I'm capable of understanding the jokes, (God knows my brain does crazy loops), I might join in or wait to see what outrageous responses you'll get. So I come here for a variety show(smile).

    Joni Mitchell's song is nice - always has been - I love horns. (What horns?)

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    1. I do. I'm blessed that way. Yes, I'd pick presence too, Dixie. It's no use getting a ticket to Bora when you're all alone. Eyes glazing over, yes. What do you mean you don't come here for a joke? What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

      No? Well, I thought it was a good one, but of course I don't want to blow my own horn.

      (Yeah, just one, thank God.)

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  5. HATE that bus, that thing makes me cuss. So yeah better with a car, that is for sure by far. Maybe people that talk are just boring or they are trying to get you before you start super snoring? lol or maybe you have a worm in your head that is causing you super dread hahaha Manzi will help you out, make that thing shout.

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    1. I still prefer snoring
      To whoring
      Or plain scoring
      Dead tired may seem boring
      Hey, Cat, what's up today?
      Ready for X-mas Eve at your kitty cat bay?
      Manzi might know what to do
      It all started when I lost some ole shoe

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  6. Aw, I wish I could come hug you. Not that that would fix things, but it would make me feel better, anyway :) I think it's often true that the funniest people are the ones who struggle with the most with depression.

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    1. Thanks, Kianwi. It would make you feel better? Well, what are you waiting for? I know I'd get a twinkle in my eyes. I'm told I'm not depressed - I'm just perpetually down, is all. Plus being tired 24/7 doesn't really help a whole lot either, but one hug from you would make my day. Day? Year. ;)

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  7. Sounds like you are in a funky rut:) Maybe you need to let loose and get really drunk over the Christmas holiday:))

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Blue:) Thanks for sharing your writing with us:)

    I think you see too much:) Take care!

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    1. Hi Phil. Doing my strut in a funky rut. Yeah, maybe I should get myself some Love on the Rocks. Wait, that's not a drink. I mean a double Scotch on the Rocks.

      Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones, Phil. Thank you for stopping by so often. I appreciate it.

      Blue

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  8. "Do you know that feeling when someone really kind is talking to you and you just want to shut down?" Yes, I do. But the sometimes the nicest thing we can do is simply listen -- or pretend to listen -- to someone else.

    Merry Christmas, and I have no answers to your depressed state. Been there myself. Good luck, seriously.

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    1. Ehhhhh "pretend to listen"?????
      Omy

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    2. Hello Mr. Silver Fox. I know. Sometimes that isthe nicest thing you can do. Don't worry about my funk. I'm used to it. Been there yourself... well, then I won't even ask. Good to hear you're doing better now. A bit of luck ain't hurt nobody, right?

      And thanks for stopping by.

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    3. Hi Gloria Dear. Yes, sometimes you're so tired of it all that you really want to go to bed, but that person keeps talking to you because they like you, so you don't go to bed but you just listen or pretend to listen. It's the polite thing to do. Unfortunately, I'm always very polite. :)

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    4. I know but read I put in my Really comment.
      Today Im really tired
      Why we dont say onky Happy birthday Jesus??
      This thing of gifts make me crazy!
      Xoxoxo

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    5. Good question. I don't know why. Maybe because people love presents?

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  9. Oh Blue, this posts does resonate with me. Sadly I suspect we beat to a similar drum. I too can be in a crowded room, but it is as if I am completely alone. There is nothing selfish about it. Tis just the way we are. And those who love us will see through that sad person to the bright light that we really are - albeit hidden for most to see.

    And don't forget; stars can't shine without darkness.

    In my thoughts xo

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    1. We do, don't we? Maybe it's time we learned how to play fiddle sticks on the piano. Remember THIS scene from Big? No? Well, that means you're young. You do? Well, that means.... um... you're young the way I'm young. Yes?

      I know. But I thought we were the stars.

      Thanks, Wendy. I think you're great.

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    2. Yes, I remember that film like it were yesterday. And I particularly love that scene you highlighted. Utter gay abandon.

      I thought we were the stars too once ...

      Hang in there, Blue.

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  10. Kaboom. Well, this one resonated with me. I could go on an on.... but, it's really easy to coast through life (I know, because I've done it!). It's also really hard to pinpoint what makes you happy. I recently became interested in numerology and ran my numbers (and the numbers of everyone I knew!) and discovered some interesting things. I think that if we aren't fulfilling our Soul Urge or riding down a life road that represents our Life Path... it's all rocky. If you ever want me to do your chart, let me know. I need your full name, the name you go by, and your birth date. I don't know if any/all of the answers or there, but it might help jumpstart you and point you in the right direction. If you want me to do it, just email me... rarichards68 at gmail dot com.

    Merry Christmas Blue!

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    1. Kaboom. There it is... on your plate. And you're not hungry.

      Thanks, Robin. I just sent you an email.

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  11. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Blue.

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  12. Ah Blue,

    You are not selfish you are human. We all have moments when life is just too much even when we have kind people around us. I have often felt alone in world of people. I think sometimes we just go through the motions of our lives and we forget to live our life. I think you are a compassionate and caring person a person with a much older soul that sometimes feels like you missed the train. The best we can do is find things to do that we enjoy..what gives you joy Blue..is is your music, your writing, your jokes..illusions or distorted reality I am not sure..but, then I am a dreamer so my world is a bit different. If you were here I would wrap you in my arms and give you a big hug and then we could curl up on the couch and watch a good movie. Drink some wine and just enjoy the moment. Blue enjoy the moments sometimes that is all we have to hold on to are the moments they get us through the blues. One of those moments was when we teamed up and wrote together and you put me in that hammock..one of those moments I will treasure always. Close your eyes blue go to that secret place that brings you joy.

    If i could I would pull a star from the heavens closer so all your dreams would have a place to land.

    Wishing you the best always and forever..you know where I am if you want to talk..xxx

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    1. That's it... It feels like I missed the train. The train to where the grass is green and the beach is clean. As for having an old soul... I'm Peter Pan with an old soul. How did that happen? I need a refund, is what I need. "One young soul to go, please. No need to gift wrap it, thank you."

      I will close my eyes and count my blessings, dear. I know where to find you :)

      If I Get Home on Christmas Day

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  13. Hmmm. I'm hearing you. I'm not sure that I'm always sad...........but it's been a tough year. I'm calling it my mid-life crisis. rolls eyes. yeah, pretty shitful.

    Hugs to you. Hope you manage to connect with some people you at least like, if not love, over the Christmas period.

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    1. Sorry to hear it's been a tough day, AlleyCat. I hope 2015 will have lots of great things for you in store. Thanks for the hugs and Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. :)

      Did you say mid-life crisis? But you're, what, 25? 24? (You can slap me now.)

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    2. Thanks Blue. Um if I live to 88 then I'm mid life LOL

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  14. It's a blue Christmas. Give Angie a big hug.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Will do, Janie. But um... can I get one too?

      Have a great Christmas Eve, Janie. Merry X-mas.

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  15. Hi Blue....
    It saddens me to hear you are depressed.....sad....feeling alone
    I too can be lonely.....even when surrounded by people
    Perhaps your illness is making you more depressed than you realize...
    You are extremely funny....use that to drag yourself up
    Merry Christmas Blue...
    Sending positive thoughts to you...
    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

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    1. I've always had a knack for being sad, Linda, and you're so right... my illness isn't helping one bit. You're very observant.

      Thanks for the positive thoughts. Do they come with cookies? No? Oh well, I must have saved myself something to nibble somewhere nearby my private stash of chocolate. Plus I need a drink.

      Cheers and bottoms up! (No, not those bottoms!) ;)

      Thanks, Linda. You're so sweet.

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    2. Merry Christmas Blue...
      So glad you finally responded to comments....I was getting worried!
      Just gonna get the turkey ready for the oven....
      All my kids arrive late afternoon....
      I know it will be a glorious day.....
      All my best to Angie and you!
      Cheers!
      Linda :o)

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  16. The funniest people usually suffer from the most sadness. Think of the few things (or the one thing) that make you smile. While in the doldrums, dwell there.

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    1. Ain't that the truth... Things that make me smile... well, let's see.... a ticket to Bora... world peace... (no?)... my ridiculously small X-mas tree that I should dub "X-mas bush", but that reminds me of some President so I'd better stick to Little Tree. I need to spend some time in New York. That would put a smile on my face... ;)

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  17. I listen when others are talking
    But it has to be a two way affair
    Can't let him continue blabbering
    He ought also to be seen as fair

    He has to listen and take a pause
    For we also have a point of view
    If not prepared and both appear lost
    Make an exit and 'goodbye to you!

    Merry Christmas to you Blue!

    Hank

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    1. So true, Hank. Thank you for that. How are you today?

      Merry Christmas to you, Hank the One and Only Poetry Tank :))

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  18. I can relate to that feeling. Where someone just keeps right on talking, and all I can do is think about ways to get out of that conversation. There are VERY few people that I will happily talk/listen to for extended periods of time, because in most cases I just don't give a crap. If that makes me selfish, then I guess I'm screwed.

    I LOVE driving alone with music playing! It's the best thing EVER! It's great for clearing my head and figuring things out. That's what I was doing when I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life. (In school, and everything.) It was months and months of prayers and thinking things over and over and over again, and then one day as I was driving home from class, I had this moment of extraordinary clarity, and I just KNEW where I needed to go and what I needed to do to get there.

    Anyway, I really hope you'll be less blue soon. Will it make you feel better if I told you that I literally spent the entire day today making cookies? Not even kidding. Over 11 dozen! And a batch of brownies, AND a double batch of Rice Krispies Treats. Ty needed some help getting treats together for the people at his work. It was actually kind of fun taking on a project like that. I've never done it before, and in the end, I think I did pretty well. I'll try to send you some samples via Carrier Seagull, if I can find one flying around at this time of year...

    Cheer up, Blue. You're a better person than you believe. :)

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    1. Did you say you just don't give a crap?

      Yeah, isn't driving in the middle of the night great? So you had an epiphany on your way home? Well, good for you. Good for you.

      I'll soon be a lighter shade of blue, Candice - don't worry about me. It's the same ole story, but th thought of 11 dozen home-made cookies does put a smile on my face, alright. 11 dozen, really? I wouldn't even know how to make 2 cookies just to save my life.

      I bet you did pretty well. It must've smelled great, too. Carrier Seagull, where art thou?

      Thanks, Candice. It's very kind of you to say that.

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    2. According to Ty, the treats were a HUGE hit. I am very proud of myself.

      And yes, the house did smell fantastic. Especially when I was baking the applesauce chocolate chip cookies. The nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, butter and chocolate...yummy.

      I'm glad you'll be feeling less blue soon. I'll send you a virtual hug, along with the cookies. :)

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    3. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, Candice. :)

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  19. I feel exactly that way when I get depressed. Which is why I don't listen to Joni Mitchell. Not to give you advice, but if this persists, you might want to talk to someone. It could be seasonal, too - lots of people feel this way around the holidays because there's so much pressure to be fucking jolly!

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    1. If it persists... Let's just say it started when I was 8... I'm 44, so... No, it isn't seasonal. I know what you mean. It's just that being ill has made things worse, is all. I love that word... jolly.

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  20. I am not depressed, but I do find myself looking at someone and responding to what they are telling me, then wonder what we were even talking about a few minutes later because I totally spaced at what they were saying. I just don't have good autofocus when it comes to conversations I suppose.

    I hope you are able to exercise those demons that are pulling you down. Wishing you a joyful Christmas with many blessings in the new year, Blue xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Theresa. Have a wonderful Christmas Eve. :))

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  21. Oh hell not you too. I've felt this senselessness to living for a while now, and 'don't get the point to it all' anymore, and i just can't shake it......

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    1. Would you believe me if I told you I was kidding? (Say no.) Why do you think I'm called Blue? :)

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  22. Darling, the best time of the day is the night... I know that sounds absurd but my thoughts are clearer at night. Sometimes I just cannot think in the daytime... phones ringing.. the jingle of arriving email or the urgency of that red icon indicating an updated Facebook status. Yet at night, there is glorious peace. I love being outdoors at night-time, whether it's on a remote hillside looking at the stars or on my bicycle cycling on a country lane, taking in all wildlife. The countryside - and the city, for that matter - has an all-together different atmosphere at night-time.

    Back in May, in the spring-time of this year, I was in Wiltshire, a truly glorious, rural part of England, where I used to live, and at 5am, just as dawn was starting to turn the dark sky from black to charcoal, I walked through a meadow of long grass up onto a high hill. I heard blackbirds and saw a snail on a leaf and a duck startled me as it swam across a stream. All nature was there, obligingly on display. The air was cold and there was mist. With each breathe, I felt clarity of thought. I realised that if the world was always like this, I could be content and calm and collected. I saw a tiny cobweb, beaded with dew, spread between brambles.

    Hours later, I was on a high-speed train towards London, it was 10am, the sun was shining and around me the ringtones of mobile phones, the clatter of the coffee cart down the aisle and people reading headlines in the paper about the stock-exchange crashing and E-bola in Africa or scandals in the City.

    Sometimes, we need to escape from our every day lives and have an extraordinary experience, like communing with nature at 5am, rather than commuting on the 10am train to London.

    If I may say, your posts are sometimes tinged with sadness and that should not be the case. You have everything to live for, and you are a great writer, fierce, funny and strong. For me, the negative emotions that I feel are transient things (I wake and - literally and figuratively - get out of the wrong side of the bed and start to feel down). But I tell myself "will this emotion matter in ten years time?" and "will I remember this moment" and "how important is this, really, in the scheme of things?".

    Darling Blue, I'm sending you lots of light, energy, humour, healing power and love.

    I wish you and your family Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year where you can become the brightest light in the sky.

    Fanny xx

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    1. No, Fanny Dear, that doesn't sound absurd at all. It all makes perfect sense to me. Have you ever stared at the ocean in the middle of the night? I love the sound of the water hitting the shore, the stars a million miles away... and no one to spoil the magic.

      Thanks for sharing that beautiful moment with me. Wiltshire... I don't think I've ever been there, but I sure can see you walking there in my mind's eye. It's like the whole world is asleep except for you. I am an escapist, so I can relate 100%. Do you reckon that's what blogging is about... relating to what other likeminded people have to say... escaping?

      Of course you may say my posts are sometimes tinged with sadness. It's true. I agree that unpleasant moments in our lives don't matter when we take a look at the bigger picture, but I often find myself wondering if happy moments matter. But I see what you mean.

      Thanks for taking the time to write such a beautiful letter - for that's what it is - and I wish you the best of times, too. Happy Holidays, Fanny. Talk to you soon.

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  23. Hi dear grumpy blue!!
    I come to see you merry Christmas and you are in other...
    I love all Truedessa told you.
    I think you are human and lovely:)
    Aw these sad eyes you always draw!
    You call me dear?
    I was thinking in you:)
    I remembwr when Angie buy some .garnish tree.
    We are like we are caro mio.
    But never I pretend be other person.
    I think we love you like you are.Is all.
    And this the amazing.
    Loads of love for you and Angie and merryChristmas dear.
    xo

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    1. Thank you, Gloria Dear. Yes, Truedessa is wonderful.
      My eyes aren't always sad - Thank God! But very often they are. I think too much. Maybe I should sell my brain on Ebay. $1... anyone interested? Memories included.

      Yes, we are the way we are. But we can always change for the better, don't you think? I'm a lighter shade of blue than I was 20 years ago, so I'm making (slow) progress.

      Thanks for your kind words. Have a great Christmas. I'll stop by real soon, okay?

      Blue

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  24. That's it exactly. I'm not even sure if I need to elaborate.

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  25. The saddest people are the most comedic. They are also the the most perceptive.

    I also love driving alone, down country lanes with a bit of Sam Smith at the moment. Let's empathise :)

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