MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Attack of the Hole-y Jeans!

You would think that someone who hates skinny jeans for men would at least be willing to try on a pair of rebooted eighties jeans with holes in them because, yeah, they're back and you, sir, are from the eighties. Well, think again for the only holes this cowboy will ever learn to appreciate are the ones that nature provided us with.

Delete... delete. I didn't just say that. And if I did, you, for one, should've known I was only innocently referring to the kind of holes that embellish jeans as the result of honest hard work — you know, like digging in the garden or doing some serious DIY to keep the moaning neighbors out of your nocturnal life — so get your mind outta the gutter. It's Sunday for moaning out loud.

Jeans... Don't you just love them? I myself am a bootcut kinda guy, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I don't relish the thought of slowly bending over in a pair of unmanly skinny jeans in an attempt to, you know, gently shove — nay, tuck — those skinny jeans into my snake skin cowboy boots — well, not the entire 100 percent of them like I were trying to hide the whole shebang and in the process reveal my brand new Speedos, though common sense dictates I really should (hide those skinny jeans, not reveal my Speedos). No, I'm talking the lower parts located between the knees and the hems that protect you from seeing things that might upset you, like my hairy calves and what not. Yes, I like you that much. You are my hero.

So imagine my surprise when I found both my mental and my non-virtual space invaded by herds of seemingly mindless zombies wearing skinny jeans that completely failed to protect my eyes from seeing things that might upset me, like women's hairy legs and partial butts all sticking out. Yikes! Keep that hair away from me! What do you mean, "It's fashionable"?! Oh my God! Just look at them.... Mindless zombies roaming the streets like those freaks in Invasion of the Body Snatchers — no, not the reboot featuring Nicole Kidman, though I admit I'd like to see her wearing those hole-infested skinny jeans. Something tells me her legs aren't hairy and gross and brain-melting.  Anyway, there I was, minding my own business, just taking a friendly walk in an effort to enjoy a bit of friendly sunshine without anyone imposing their not-so-friendly hairy legs on me, but there they were, scarring my innocence: skinny jeans with holes in them the size of, well, let's say they clearly defied the term 'skinny', and those... hairs... sticking out. Hairs and holes! Holes and hairs! They were everywhere.

So naturally I ran. Run, Blue, run! I tried to hide behind the nearest tree I could find. Darn, the first one was so small it would've done a poor job trying to conceal my sizable if muscular buttocks. Run! Ah.... There is another tree. I ran toward that one and, completely out of breath, decided what to do next. Would I make it to my homemade anti-alien slash zombie-beware-for-I've-got- nukes-while-I-go-hide-inside-my-shelter shelter? (At the time, 'homemade' seemed like a very good name for it considering the damn thing was very much near my home and stuff. You know.) As I was trying my darnest not to lose it and come up with a plan that (1) made perfect sense, (2) was fairly doable and (3) would make MacGyver eat his heart out (of course, to no avail) all the while hiding behind this very fat tree, someone standing behind me tapped on my shoulder.

"Aaaaaaaaah!" 

I nearly died. My heart must've skipped ten, twenty beats. There was this zombie-like creature in hole-infested skinny jeans (boasting complementary hairs) staring me in the face. Those eyes! Those eyes! Those piercing, piercing eyes that seemed to accuse me of refusing to assimilate into the collective. Wear skinny jeans, those hideous eyes said. Wear ssssssssskinny jeans with holes. Big, big holes. Holes so big we can finally enjoy the sight that is your hairy calves, you handsome, handsome non-zombie-yet Blue. Well, that's what I thought those eyes were saying, and in hindsight, my interpretation of said piercing eyes coupled with those hideous hairy-leg revealing holes makes perfect sense — holes that reminded me of a thousand eyes, a crazy person's eyes, and they all seemed to be hissing the same damn thing: Wear sssssssskinny jeans with big hoooooooooles in them. The bigger, the better. Wear them. Resistance is futile.

And, you know, the funny thing is.... when this hairy, yet strangely attractive, yummy zombie girl finally opened her zombie mouth — no doubt to bite my face off or put big holes in them — the sound that she made, the sound that came out of her lopsided zombie mouth, was the sound a sheep makes when you shove a selfie stick or monopod up its rear. And that's when I woke up, my face still fully functioning if drenched in an odd mixture of sweat, fear and salty tears. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. And yet, my friends... the threat of the Hole-infested Skinny Jeans is palpable and, yes, very real. Be warned... There might be one hole too many.

Find it and you'll go blind.

* * *

Some things'll never change...

90 comments:

  1. The upside is that these sorts of fads don't last very long.

    If you blnk and hold your breath, you'll miss them.

    Those of us who are immune to fads know that we're the ones people won't laugh and point at in the pictures 10 years form now. Of course, we get laughed and pointed at now, but it will all be worth it in the end.

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  2. How do you know the sound a sheep makes when you shove something up her bottom? Shame on you for sheep shoving. I haven't seen skinny jeans with gigantic holes, but I don't get out much. Is that really a thing now? I'm easily fooled because I don't shop at Wal-Mart so I'm unaware of trends.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. How do I know? I read it in Sheep Fashion Magazine. Yes, I'm not kidding. This is really a thing right now. Can you believe it? Let call it the fake poverty look.

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    2. Did Kim Kardashian or some other Kardashian start this? I apologize for bringing up the name, but it seems as if it's the sort of thing they'd do.

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    3. Don't use the K-word, Janie. It gives me the willies. Well, I guess Madonna was to blame in the eighties (CLICK!), so it only makes sense that KK did it this time... with a vengeance.

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  3. Zombie jeans won't last - promise!
    I still wear normal jean styles from the nineties. Just my style.

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  4. I saw these on a recent trip to the mall. Jeans that were ripped and had giant holes. Why not just take the scissors to the ones you have at home and save a whole lot of money. While I like skinny jeans I can go without the holes. It's a trend and it won't last long in the winter..haha.

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    Replies
    1. insert ? instead of . okay it's late

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    2. ps - you remembered a dream ;)

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    3. Ripped like someone really hated them. I know what you mean. Hulk eat your heart out.

      And what a nightmare it was.

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    4. Oh wait! Here is a thought in the winter they can wear colored tights under the jeans with holes. Oh what am I thinking another fashion trend;)

      Are the holes strategically placed or is it all random? Tell me Blue I haven't a clue.

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    5. Strategically placed. I'd recommend a new strategy, though.

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  5. Blue! I am a little worried about your dreamings!

    On the odd occasion my legs are a little fury I keep them well covered!!!!!

    BTW - love MacGyver! Used to watch him with my Grandpa Blue!!!!

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    1. MacGyver... I remember those days like it was yesterday. Strangely enough my mirror tells me I'm wrong. Do you reckon I should buy a new one?

      I'm worried too.

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    2. I think we could all use a little magical mirror mirror on the wall!!! :-)

      we were watching reruns last weekend!!

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    3. PS should I now be confessing I may perchance own & love a pair of skinny leg jeans complete with a hole at one knee that may have widened the day I tried them on that the shop when my foot went through the hole. My sister did the same thing she did & put them back on the rack & chose another pair with lesser hole............

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    4. Perchance... I see. Are we talking more holes than fabric or more facric than holes? ;) Do you realize that enlarging that hole probably meant more interested customers and more ka-ching? You two may have made them rich.

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  6. A view from an angle I haven't yet looked through, hee heee hee... Now call me old, but those jeans ain't jeans, they are rags....

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  7. Was this another tirade on skinny jeans? If it was I have no strength to read it, unless you mention bums in it... do you? No? If I'm babbling 'tis because my anaesthesia from the dentist is still working.... PS how does one pull on them ripped jeans? How do they know which hole to stick their feet through?

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    Replies
    1. No strength to read it... That can't be good. What did your dentist pull this time? Do I even want to know? Anyhooters (no man boobs!), what makes you think I know chapter and verse when it comes to ripping jeans? It beats me how they even put them on, yeah. Maybe that's how a pair of ripped jeans evolves. Hey, a new hole. I like it.

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    2. I think some of your tiredness passed onto me... the weariness is slowly taking me over this summer after having translated 1,000 pages in last two months, with 300 more to go... including stanzas from Shakespeare, Swinburn, Tennison, Colleridge.... imagine translating them old poets.... because they're quoted in the novel you're translating.... Don't even ask how much I don't get paid for it...

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    3. I feel for you, Dezzzmeister. I think it's criminal how little dough you get paid for doing all that work. I won't ask.

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    4. I haven't even been paid yet for the trilogy I'm doing this summer, even though I already sent them two of them finished... it's like = Dezzy you don't need to pay the rent, you don't need to eat, you don't need to pay the bills... just work until you drop dead unpaid... I still have that one publisher that hasn't paid for a book I did for them January 2015 even though it was published long time ago..... you're just helpless here .... Not to mention my main publisher who pays half a price the other ones do... To quote myself: I'd throw myself of a cliff if I wasn't living in a lowland

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    5. Throw them off a cliff instead.

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  8. Normal jeans is all I wear
    Who needs such holes at my lair
    Much more fun holes to screw with out there
    Whoops, wasn't supposed to go gutter with holes to spare?
    Hairy legs and zombie eyes
    Now there is something that may draw flies
    Blood suckers and hairy eye balls
    Better hope they don't send cat calls
    But why oh why would you dream of that?
    Do you have a thing for sheep scat?
    Why would you know what sound they make?
    Is that where scoobeedooweee gets its name sake?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Normal may be the majority's taste
      So before you know it your jeans go to waste
      A hole or two - how many do you need
      As you contemplate normal at your feed
      Attack of the zombie jeans
      Can beat a tin can of beans
      What you see is what you get
      Hairy fat I bet
      Maybe seeing those holes may me dream
      Day-dream as I let off some steam
      The sound made me ill
      I'd rather eat a bill
      Scooby Dooooooweeeeeeee
      Um.... not at my sea

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    2. lol the sound would hurt the ear drums
      As the sheep get things up their bums
      A dream from holes
      Hey, no porn goals
      Just scfi porn at play
      As the sequel joins the fray
      Normal to such taste?
      Pffft they can go fall in a hole post haste

      Delete
    3. Thanks for spelling that out
      Wonder who would shout
      Pfffft you say?
      I hear you've got pfffffft on display today

      Delete
    4. Pfffft comes to play
      Many a day
      Whelmed I stay
      Pfffft-ing away

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    5. Pfffft-ing is a skill
      Some say pfffffft and get real ill
      Pfffft-ing is fun
      Beats slapping a bun
      Did you get that pun, Cat
      At your kitty cat mat?

      Delete
    6. Pfffft-ing takes skill
      And fits the bill
      More often than not
      Buns up for the lot

      Delete
  9. Wow. And I thought skinny jeans were going to be the worst thing that could happen to denim. But fashion, once again, has me flabbergasted. They took the worst thing that could happen to denim, and paired it with the second worst thing that could happen to denim, thereby creating the denim equivalent of the Anti-Christ. It's all over, folks. Go back to your homes, the world is officially broken.

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  10. Horrors upon horrors! I thought skinny jeans were the most awful thing to come out as "trendy" until I started seeing the "deconstructed" version of them in the stores. It appears the more "deconstructed" they are the more they cost. (deconstructed is the new fashion inspired word to sell these ugly things)

    I was in Talbots over the weekend and my favorite jeans now only come in the "deconstructed" version. Seriously, Talbots..classic clothes for "mature" women. (I can't bring myself to say old) While the jeans aren't "skinny" they still manage to look like someone has been digging in the garden with them.

    I seriously can't understand why people want to buy jeans that in the past they would of put into the trash because they had "worn them out".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Deconstructed..." Is that a fact? That's like re-imagined movies only worse.

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  11. I haven't seen torn jeans that look that bad, thankfully. Enough is enough.

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  12. If you ever cross over and start wearing skinny jeans, we will cease to be friends. I DO NOT like skinny jeans on a man. Who the hell would pay $100 for jeans that are only 1/2 there? Morons with no fashion sense and too much money they don't know what to do with it all, I suppose.

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry, I won't. I'd rather walk around butt naked and do the hokey pokey.

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    2. lmao get plenty of youtube hits that way
      Even if a scary display

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    3. Would it reach the sky?
      Would it make me fly?

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    4. Pat gets YouTube hits by doing the Hokey Pokey naked on film? Remind me to stay off YouTube lol

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    5. lmao have to get money from somewhere
      Even if I need to strut bare

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    6. Like THIS you mean?

      My eyes are still recovering...

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    7. hahaha just like that
      As I'm stared at by the cat

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    8. I guess he's used to that stuff
      Might not even get enough ;)

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  13. lol That's funny. I've never been a jeans person. Give me the comfy black pull on pants with an elastic waist and I'm happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One comfy black pull on pants comin' right up.

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  14. They're back!?! I remember this trend from oh so long ago. There are so many other fashion horrors that I find more disturbing. Does cologne or body spray count as a fashion trend? People wear it. And it's one of the few things that people wear that negatively affect me. The entirety of Old Navy's men's section is an affront to common decency. Old Navy is like a sandal with a black sock gained sentience and opened a store front. I just hope that giant shoulder pads come back into style.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, they're back. Expensive holes... Who would've guessed. Today'skinny-jeans-ripped-to-shreds make young George Michael look like an amateur. Old Navy... YIKES. Shoulder pads.... no thank you.

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  15. Skinny jeans are bad enough, but ones with holes in them are just wrong!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well, depends on where the holes are... (giggle)

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    2. Good point. And who's wearing them.

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  16. I'm so tired of the skinny jeans. Like you, give me boot cut. Who wants to wear pants that make it impossible to bend your legs? I'm skinny and they look stupid on me. I can't imagine who they look good on?

    Don't start me on the holes. Maybe we should become fashion designers. I have some spray paint in my basement to get rid of. It would great on denim!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whenever people see me wearing bootcuts, they look at me like I'm the ghost of some extinct species. But 5 years from now, when bootcuts are rebooted, they'll be looking in the mirror and wink at themselves for looking so cool.

      Delete
  17. I am a wearer of skinny jeans, Blue but please...please don't hate me... I have beautifully tanned, smooth legs underneath and I wear my jeans without holes and knee length cowboy boots. I promise I don't resemble a zombie. You need to dream differently, my friend. I hope you feel better :)

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure they look good on you, Jules. It's the dictatorship of all this fashion that I hate, really. Whenever I want to but a pair of jeans, the first thing they recommend is skinny jeans. Really?

      Now, about those beautifully tanned, smooth legs underneath... Hey, I'm starting to feel much better already. You're a miracle worker.

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    2. It's the way you wear 'em. Now I'm glad you're feeling better :)

      Delete
  18. I guiltily have a pair of jeans that you've referenced. You'd think they'd be perfect in this Texas heat but the denim is thick and so the holey jeans are relegated to winter time wear which is kind of backwards. Shrug, fashion sense doesn't always make common sense

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    Replies
    1. Not to mention the special tan you can get from wearing those "deconstructed" jeans ;)

      But are you telling me you're not a bootcut kinda woman?

      Delete
  19. I'm a 'relaxed-fit jeans' kinda girl... keeping it un(w)holy too.

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  20. I do have a problem paying money for clothes that already have holes in them.

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    Replies
    1. Some of those "deconstructed" jeans will cost as much as what $400... Can you imagine?

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  21. What kills me is when I see a girl in a pair of these and she's clearly 3 sizes too large and bursting out of them, which makes her legs look like when you bake a ham that's tied in string. You know, like this.

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  22. Blue, your graphic and visual description nearly caused me to lose the all-veggie lunch I ate in an effort to fit back into my I skinny jeans with just three holes. :)

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    Replies
    1. Glad to have been of service ;) Thanks for stopping by.

      P.S. How big are those holes?

      Delete
  23. I trust you're enjoying your long weekend. Hope it's fabulous.

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  24. My daughter has a pair of those jeans. I think they're ridiculous.

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  25. haha these jeans are terrible, not my style hugs!!!

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    Replies
    1. And it isn't only teenagers wearing them...

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    4. Grumpy I deleted these comments because I comment in my mom's phone and was with my daugther's mame. She os Espe. In a little craxy these las weeks. Sorry

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  26. As the mom of a teen, I'm forced to see these dreaded fads come and go. Thankfully, they do go. Some more quickly than others.

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  27. Yuck. So I got the hole in the knee back when. It happened naturally so they figured, why not? Marketing opportunity! But this? Do you have to wash those things on delicate because I have no idea how they'd hold up otherwise.

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