MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Age Matters... in Matters of Love (Yes, It Does)

When I was a precocious 5-year-old brat in kindergarten, I stumbled upon what Doc Brown (15 years into the future minus 105 years) would call "the other great mystery of the universe: women" — or in my case back then, 5-year-old girls with ponytails and incredibly thick glasses. Glasses so thick you'd have thought she was hiding in a jar. Vera was her name, and she acted like I wasn't even there. Why? Well, let's say that's a mystery that still needs a bit of solving, Doc, but Vera's inexplicable aloofness combined with the thickest glasses any boy my age had ever seen were all that was needed to jumpstart a fascination that, sure, is bound to end one day, but not before I kick the proverbial bucket. Amen.

Now, if this post were a writing assignment and I were grading this um mini-revelation, I probably would've scribbled down a comment along the lines of, "Dear student, how in the world is the above um mini-revelation in any way relevant to the title of this text? It isn't catchy, it isn't short." But don't you worry, blogger buddy. I'm getting there. You didn't accidentally stumble into one of my lesser classes on how to write academically and get away with it. The point I'm trying to make is that 41 years down the line, I've come to realize that I should've stuck to women my own age, and so should you. Let me tell you why.

First of all, it's hard to keep up. I didn't say it's hard to keep it up. It's hard to keep up. Very hard, not rock hard. Get that mind out of the gutter. I mean it's hard to keep up when your fledgling little girlfriend or budding wife (or both) are full of energy and you are not. Ancient myth has it that younger women keep you young. Well, that may seem to be the case at first, but consider this: You don't want to go there all over again. Go where? Not there. Get your mind out of the gutter. What I mean is, you don't want to relive the same dreams you used to have and she has right now. You don't want to walk the same ole pathway to maturity — especially since you already know that you will never make it to the final stop anyway. Doing things all over again is a bore, especially when, like me, you've done more things than your Momma would be proud to know.

Women tend to live a great deal longer than us, hunky men, so before you start priding yourself on the youthfulness that is your latest conquest, think about how long she will get to enjoy your pension while you, sir, are rotting in your shallow grave. I mean that in a good way. Do the math. She is younger plus men die sooner. Take me, for example. I'm 46. My wife is 34 (I think). By the time I retire (should I be so lucky), she will still be going strong professionally speaking for another decade. Here's my advice: make sure your youthful princess is rich — you know, like a princess. That way, she will be able to retire and still have some cheese on her bread, say, when you, on the other hand, have to retire. Otherwise the chances of the two of you simultaneously reaping the fruits of retirement on Bora Bora are pretty slim at best. It's a bit like sex that way: ideally you'd like to come at the same time and not be dead by the time she finally hits that high note.

Hey, let's not be selfish and imagine things from her perspective. The majority of the men in my family don't live to see the age of 75. What that means statistically is that the expiration date of her adorable husband — me — is, what, 2045, i.e. 29 years from now. Being 12 years younger than me, she will still have an entire life ahead of her in which my role is reduced to looking cute in a dirty picture frame. That sucks. If she loves me, she feels the same way. When I'm 75 and gone with the wind, floating on a giant blue suede shoe, she will be 63. What is she to do without me? How will she be able to smile without my daily routine of cursing at a world inhabited by backstabbers and skinny jeans fetishists? I don't want her to be blue and lonely. I don't want her to have to soldier on like Christmas were just an illusion. We're talking two decades at least. That's kindergarten, junior high and high school all rolled up into one.

Only a time machine would do the trick. That's so depressing in my book, Doc. I might need the address of that future rejuvenation clinic you mentioned earlier, back in 2015, to get a whole natural overhaul. I just want to take out some wrinkles, do some hair repair, have my blood changed, basically have a good 30 to 40 years added to my life. While they're at it, I might even entertain the notion of getting my spleen and colon replaced. What do you think? Or should I just double down on my good-looks-is-all-it-takes quick fix of botox? What say you?

So, yeah, there's the wrinkles and stuff. Wrinkles and stuff are a bitch. Great Scott, they are a whole pack of bitches when, like me, you are married not only to a woman nearly 12 years your junior but a woman who is nearly 12 years your junior (did I mention she is nearly 12 years my junior?) AND who also looks like she is a whopping 10 years younger than her ID wants you to believe. Think about it. "You're beep beep a spring chicken. I'm so jealous, Blue." Get your mind out of the gutter. I thought you were a vegetarian. What I mean is... there comes a point when the age difference is all too obvious, especially to yourself. When Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones, we hunky guys all thought that was a very cool move. Way to go, Michael! Now he looks like a little old man next to his dashing 46-year-old wife. Wait a minute.... she is my age!

The bottom line is that, much as I love younger women and fantasize about them on a regular basis (though not as regularly as I used to), when push comes to shove reality has a nasty habit of biting you in the proverbial nuts and, like my nutless friend Mongo The Overweight Cat, I more often than not choose to return to the safety of my friendly couch and smile at my own foolishness. Younger women... who needs them anyway? At least Vera was my own age.

Well?

* * *

When will then be now?

76 comments:

  1. Anything under thirty looks like a child to me. Because yes, she could be MY child.
    Douglas and Zeta-Jones. That's still just a bit weird.
    I'm fortunate my wife and I are the same age and we should both be around at least another thirty or more years. At least into our mid-eighties.
    And while age has slowed me, some things remain the same. And may they continue for as long as we can...

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  2. Well, there will always be photoshop .... to add so me wrinkles to the young princess. Only to match her id age.

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  3. How old is Michael Douglas? He looks older than his father. It's possible that you'll outlive Angie (God forbid). It's possible that you'll die together in your bed when a plane lands on your house (God forbid). Who knows what the future will bring? X and I were the same age. We were married so long that I'd heard every joke and story he'd ever thought of, and then he started stealing my jokes and stories. Willy Dunne Wooters is considerably older than my stunning twenty-seven years (amazing I was married more than thirty years, but God works miracles), but he doesn't have any trouble keeping up with me. He's young at heart when he isn't acting like a grumpy old poop. Stay young at heart, Blue, and you will be fine. I know your princess loves you, and so do I. See? It says

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Angie is younger than my son but older than my daughter.

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    2. Thanks for this wonderful comment, Janie. X started stealing your jokes... Is that a fact? Oh my. If Angie's sense of humor was, you know, funny, I'd consider the idea of rebooting a couple of her jokes. (Hi honey.) Did you say grumpy old poop?

      I'm young at heart, Janie. It's the body that's been letting me down. And I mean down. If only I were 27 like you. Wink wink. I know you're 28.

      Thanks for your words of encouragement. Thanks for your time, too.

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  4. Age doesn't seem to matter in the middle, but at either side of the spectrum when we're really young, or really old, it has such a greater impact. Just enjoy the blessing you have now. That's pretty much all we can do.

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  5. Douglas isn't as creepy as that guy from Lost who married a 16 year old, blah blah blah to that taking hold. My limit is 6 years either way, that usually keeps me in the game at my bay. But I still look like I'm 18 at my sea, so some my age run away from me. Can't have me looking younger than they do. Plus the cat has scared away a few lmao but it depends as well. I do feel dirty now looking at younger women where I dwell. Plus relieved I don't have to deal with their crap anymore as my brain caught up to my umm you know at my shore. Ditsy, whiny, drunks aren't for me. More of a thrill taking a pee. Then you can keep up I bet. Although if that is the final bora set, boo to that. You're buried with the cat's scat.

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    1. Six years either way... If I told you Angie is really mature and I'm not, does that count? Can I subtract a couple of years? Yes? What do you mean, "No"?

      Baby face Pat... Who would've guessed. And all this time you had me thinking you had photoshopped that picture of yours haha. What... you added some wrinkles to look older? Say it ain't so at the Kitty Cat Show. Taking a pee is great except when you don't realize you're still asleep in your bed. Just saying...

      The cat's scat? Yikes!

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    2. Well there are exceptions that can come due. Especially if one is more mature than you. Subtract you can't do. Unless a Terminator can help you. Get that skin and you can win. Or maybe not as Skynet makes you part of their plot. Could go all wrinkly at my sea. As long as in the bed I never ever pee.

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    3. Skynet... Oh that so-called 'sequel' was so terrible I nearly threw tomatoes at that movie screen.

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  6. I've always liked them younger, too! Ha!

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  7. You brought up great points. Years ago I worked for a doctor; one of his patients was a guy in his 50s that had a heart attack, but also had a young wife and young children (like the wife was at least 25 years younger than him). Right now in my 50s I don't have the stamina I once did raising young children, I can't imagine how people who do that have the energy to keep up with the young ones.

    My DIL did it right I think. She's 4 years old than son. Since men do seem to die earlier, with her being 4 years old, it might just even out a bit.

    betty

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    1. 25 years younger than him... I feel so much better haha. Your DIL did some smart thinking.

      Good to hear from you again, betty.

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  8. You mean your daily routine does not already involve cursing?
    Or you can just marry somebody phlegmatic and lethargic!

    You did not just reveal us your age!

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    1. I never curse. I only swear. I did not reveal my age. No, it is not my IQ.

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    2. God Forbid, unless you ad a 1 in front of it!
      What do you swear on? :) Your suits? Mongo?

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  9. Blue. I love you, ya know. I love how all these worries escalate into stresses that plague your 'oh so wonderful' mind. Listen up, you big 'ol hunk of smashing. She married you. She loves you. She knew you were older, you knew she was younger and in a nutshell, that's all that matters. Twelve years difference can sound like nothing on one hand and then a great divide on the other. It's all down to perspective and how society tries to make you feel shit about....pretty much everything. Tomorrow is promised to nobody so who knows when you get to retire from the skinny jean clad future, eh? And by the way, your lady is already rich - she has you.

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    1. The feeling is mutual, Jules. Always has been, too. Oh in this case I don't give a skinny rat's ass about how society feels about moi. It's the actual tick-tock that I'm worried about. You know me. But you're right... I might get hit by a bus or not. We don't know. I hope there are no busses on Bora.

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  10. Interesting perspective, Blue. On one hand 12 years doesn't sound like such a gap but when you are talking about lining up retirement, I see your point.

    A couple of thoughts though...many men age better than women. Some of you men folk just keep looking better and better.
    From a visual perspective it's is dependent on how each person in a couple ages out.

    I had a class-slut mate that decided to marry a old man for his money right out of high school. She was 17ish and he was probably 50ish. (seriously...to a 17 year old 50ish is ancient) ANYWAY, Fay (aforementioned slut) isn't aging all that well but her 90ish year old husband is looking pretty good (by 90 year old standards).

    I am thinking I want to start a pool on who is going to outlive who.

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    1. Hi Cheryl. Good to hear from you again. That's quite a story you're telling there. A class-slut... I know the type. Don't think her name was Fay, though.

      Now, about that pool...

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  11. My spouse and I are three years apart, but boy do I feel each of those years. However, if we're basing things on maturity, my spouse is committing statutory rape. Possibly molestation more shocking than all Catholic Churches and creepy PE teachers combined, that's how immature I am.

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  12. My parents were born the same year. Mom in June, Dad in August. It's a little weird in my opinion but hey they're still going strong and have hit the big 60. My only concern is that my dad's parents both died of Cancer. My maternal grandmother beat cancer but then died of something else. Pretty sure in the end an illness is just waiting to bite us. Of course there is the alternative. But the only other relation to die was my cousin and he was shot. No thanks. You tried for Bora Blue and that was your grand stand.

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    1. Why do you think that's weird, Sheena-kay? The big 60... I'm not sure I want to know what that's like, not until I'm 70, but I like the part about still going strong. Good for them.

      Yep, and that's why money makes us happy. Rich folks get an expensive medical checkup whenever they feel like it. Costs about, what, five grand or so depending on the place, so they are never ever surprised one way or another, you know? Regular folks like ourselves, though (yes, we're special, I know), usually hear the bad news when it's already too late. Two neighbors of mine would tell you that's as true as the IRS if they were still among the living. Cancer is a bitch, but money coupled with a brain that works is a good combo in the let's-try-'n-live-long department, if you know what I mean.

      We really need to see Bora at least once, Sheena-kay. Is that asking too much? ;)

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    2. isn't Bora Bora close to Queen Sheena's Jamaica? Why hasn't she invited us already, Blue, what is your expert opinion?

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    3. Oh c'mon, Dezzzmeister... it's located between Australia and South America.

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    4. What? You mean it is not at the Caribbeans? But in Oceania?

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    5. Checked it out on the map, it surely is in the middle of nowhere... like literally! I'd feel awfully forsaken and lost there... Give me a mountain fortress anytime....

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    6. Yep, literally.

      So what have you been up to?

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    7. Nothing, terribly tired, and still not paid, so nervous and depressed as well :) You?

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    8. The same except for the not getting paid. There are people who say that money doesn't make you happy. What do they know?

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    9. those are usually the ones who never had problems with monies :)

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    10. Exactly. They pay a thousand bucks for a course and don't even feel it.

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  13. Ha ha ha...well this is a good laugh. So you fantasize about younger women on a regular basis. I guess that's normal......a fleeting thought of a pool boy in a thong occasionally floats through my mind.....well not really but I just wanted to make you feel better.

    If that doesn't, maybe this will...... I WAS also a bauble on my late husbands arm (20 years younger). You are right, I enjoy spending his money. You nailed
    that one.

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    1. A pool boy in a thong... YIKES! Now, how am I supposed to get rid of that image? Yes, I feel much better now. In fact, I nearly fell off my couch laughing out loud. Okay, it was the toilet seat but I'm not gonna tell you that. I'm sure that image is worse than the one you just planted in my brain, thank you very much haha.

      I nailed that one. Good to know. Now, excuse me while I go and hide my dough.

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  14. Different strokes for different folks, though I could never be like Demi Moore and go for a younger guy. It seems that most have the maturity level of the 3 Stooges. It's my hope that I go before Jason, and given that most don't see 50 in my family, I probably don't need to worry about it so much. If I can make it another 10 years, to your age now, I'll feel like I've won the lottery.

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    1. but what if that young guy has godly body of Ashton Kutcher?
      I'm with sister Theresa on not expecting to see the 50s, I'm surprised I'm still alive as it is.... You've been outblued, Blue!

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    2. @Therea Dear - Don't be like Demi Moore. She looks like a guy. Just saying. I'm pretty sure most guys have the maturity level of the 3 Stooges, which is why Angie thought I was a great catch. Supposedly. I know she wasn't hoping for a big bag of gold. That much I do know.

      You've told me before that most don't get to see 50 in your family... I'm not gonna say that you will live to see 100 simply because I hate the sound of 50. It sucks. So, what's the good news today?

      @Dezmond Von Dezzyland- I sure have been outblued. That's quite an achievement in my book. I'm glad to hear you're still in one piece.

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    3. Well, Dezzy, he's gotta have the stamina to match that body too. If he's wasting all his energy in the gym and doesn't have much left over for other activities, well, doesn't do me one bit of good now, does it? ;)

      Hmmm, good new today Blue? Sadly, I don't have any for you. I'm a big ball of anxiety over some recent medical tests. Though, I will be getting a trip to Chicago on the 20th to meet with a surgeon, so I suppose looking forward to some Chicago style pizza could be considered spectacular news, no?

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    4. @Dezzy - Where are you?
      @Theresa - I wish I could do something for you.

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    5. Thank you Blue! Just though a few positive vibes out into the universe for me? That would be fabulous :)

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    6. I'll give it my best shot. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. For you and Dezzy.

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    7. I'm sending you positive vibes, Theresa. Tons and Oodles of 'em!!

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  15. I'm 9 years younger than Ken and I think we're both feeling our age. lol My dad was 24 years older than my mom and that marriage only worked for 12 years. My brother is on his 5th marriage and he is 20 years younger than his wife.

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    1. Well, I guess we're not that different after all :D

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  16. My SIL always has these young men trying to go out with her. She doesn't look her age. She's 57. She refuses to date them, lol, has a huge hang up about it. But she won't date anyone her own age either. Cracks me up. I think age is just a number. My husband of many, many years was six years older than me, we were very compatible and on the same wave length for most everything, or so I thought???? Then he left us for a gal, his boss, she is about ten years older than him (and we're no spring chickens). My (now ex) husband's best friend is 50, he married a gal who is almost half his age. Gorgeous Brazilian girl he met when he was in Sao Paulo working. No one thought that would work and three kids later, they're still loving strong. He's def. got mega big bucks, and everyone says that's why, but I don't know...she really does seem to love him. Young people tend to give their all with their first true love, I think he just got super lucky. I hope they make it. I'm delusional though, and not very practical. I seem to live in a rose-colored bubble, hence the reason I've often been called Pollyanna. I'm getting better...but I still hold out hope they can make it. That being said, I think marriage is hard no matter the age of the two people involved, and I'm very happy just being done with it. No one to disappoint when you're just trying to read your newspaper (yeah, I still do that). :) I guess I'm a jaded gal now with rose-colored glass still a little bit in place. Do jade and rose match? I'll have to consult my color wheel. :)

    Have a great weekend, Blue!

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    1. So, Pollyanna wink wink)... basically your SIL gives a rat's butt about dating in general. Or maybe she fantasizes about those younger men but keeps telling herself, 'What will people say?' Could be, right? That sure is funny.

      Your husband left you all for his... boss? Say it ain't so at your show. What, she was 10 years... older? Unbelievable. The first things that springs to mind is that he has Momma issues. That combined with the fact that she was in control, being the boss and all.... That's quite a story Rosey.

      And then there's the rich friend... Well, if it's true love, more power to them. I'm delusional too, so what do I know. Practical sure isn't my middle name either. Blue is. No surprises there.

      I don't read newspapers. Never have, never will. It's always the same. Only the names seem to change on a regular basis, is all. You keep reading your newspaper, though. Digital info is overrated. I, for one, would never read a digital book.

      Jade and rose match. You bet they do. Thanks sharing that with me.

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    2. Rosey, every time I hear this story, I just want to drive to MI and pop your husband on the head. Makes me angry for you on so many levels.

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    3. Every time? How come you always know everything before me, Theresa? That said, I couldn't agree more.

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    4. Cause I'm just amazing like that ;) Rosey and I go back a few years. She's one of my dearest blog friends. One of the few I keep in touch with outside of blogland.

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    5. That explains it. It thought maybe you had a sixth sense. You probably do.

      I think she is great. :)

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    6. Sweet both of you. I didn't want that divorce, and he was playing nasty, not letting me in to get my stuff or anything. I felt like such a victim for a few MONTHS, grieved and was so confused (didn't know about the gal 'til much later). Then I picked myself up and drove to Michigan, got my stuff despite his saying 'no' (the important stuff like pictures and baby items/gifts from the kids, stuff my grandmother gave me, etc.) and came back to my new life complete. I didn't want out, but now that the dust is settled, I'm happy in a new way. Content. Peaceful. It's nice. I just hope for his sake he's happy with his new gal. It'd be a terrible loss and shame for him if he wasn't, but then again...none of my business. He's not my husband anymore. Statistic #1billionandten. Thanks for the therapy session...leaving 5-cents (Charlie Brown) in the jar. :)

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    7. Oh Rosey. That's sad on so many levels I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I'm just speechless. Now I know what Theresa Dear meant when she said she just wants to smash his face in for doing this to you. Love yourself, you hear.

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  17. For what it's worth my dad was 10 years older than my mother and he outlived her by 12 years. I was 4 years older than my (male) partner and he has been gone for 8 years now. You just never know. We all do the best we can in the end.

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    1. I think I should try a bit harder. Thanks for reminding me and for stopping by. :)

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  18. Blue, if you are happy with each other the 12 years doesn't matter. It is about the moments you spend together. You cannot worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will come and be what it is and hopefully you will see the sunrise and set.

    You are always a thinker and that is what makes you that special shade of blue.

    When will then be now ? That is the ultimate question. When will we see the Bora shore? I don't know, but it would be an honor to share a bottle of wine with such fine company (such, as yourself)

    I know people who said "when I retire I will travel" and you know what happened? Yup, They got sick and were unable to do the things they dreamt about. My point being, time is now. Breathe Blue, just breathe in the moment.

    much love always
    True

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    1. Yes, time is now. In the end, it all doesn't matter that much anyway, but I guess I'm a born worrier - which is like a warrior only blue.

      When will then be now. I hope never.

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    2. A born worrier, but with a warrior spirit of azure blue...

      If then is the end, then I hope never as well...

      hugs from afar

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  19. Millions long for immortality, but don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon (or something like that)

    Keep beating that drum, Blue.

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    1. hope da neighbours won't complain when he starts drumming!

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    2. haha - Well, my neighbors haven't complained yet as I drum away...

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    3. @Wendy - That's so true.
      @Dez - Funny.
      @True - I see.

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    4. To hell with the neighbours ... haha

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    5. Blue - I really do play a hoop drum

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    6. @Wendy - I really hate mine. A clear case of poltergeist wannabees.
      @True - I really need to get my mind out of the gutter. I blame Pat! An actual hoop drum... That I didn't know. :)

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  20. This post had me laughing quite a bit. I am 8 years older than my wife, so I can sort of relate :)

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  21. Age does matter, then again the guy I'm dating now is younger than I am (a first for me) but maturity-wise we're a match. Strange that that should work out like that, right?

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    1. You're lucky. Most guys my age are bug kids.

      Thanks :)

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