I know I've been neglecting you, but that's only because I've been teaching this never-ever-ending summer class filled to the metaphorical brim with students whose lives somehow seem to depend on, say, my willingness to spend the last bit of energy I've got left in my poor excuse for a body to wake up in the morning and do my thing. I know, that's no excuse for neglecting you. It's no excuse for not stopping by and telling you how much I like you, and I do. You know I do. But maybe I can make it up to you by sharing the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. And when I say, "ever," what I really mean is this month, August, 2016. My therapist tells me I have this propensity toward blatant exaggeration and procrastination. What does she know, right? She thinks Batman V. Superman is a work of art.
All I wanted was to lie down and snore. It had been a hectic day in the office and I was relieved to have finally made it home. Off went my Ted Baker suit (wooooosh!), off went my emergency Speedo's (ummmm), off went my cheap-ass socks, and off went my lonely blue shoe. Off went my brain too. I needed this nap so bad, I could almost taste the Bora cocktail waiting for me in the Land of Make Believe ("Blue, where are you?") — and I was ready to believe, alright. So I crawled toward my big ole couch, only to bump into Mongo The Batcat, a big and hairy creature ill-advisedly given to me for my 40th birthday. Yay! "Go catch a mouse, Mongo! This is my couch, dammit!"
Ah, there it was, my favorite pillow. It spoke to me: "Come hither, Blue! Come hither!" I said, "Yes, Master. I'm on my way, Master. Wait for me, Master." And just as I was about to sink my heavy head into this haven of softness, someone pounded on my door. Brutally. BANG BANG BANG!
I opened the heavy drapes, opened the window and, all bleary-eyed and pretty much naked, I tried to focus on the person looking up. "Hi," this stranger said to me with what appeared to be a friendly smile. I live on the third floor, you see, plus I have this thing inside my brain that turns the whole wide world into a frigging heat haze fest. What the heck am I looking at? "I'm sorry to bother you," she said. "But do you know how to drive?" Is that a bride? Do I know how to drive? You bet I know how to drive. I'd drive all the way to Bora Beach if my car knew how to float, dammit. Is that a bride?
"Yes, I know how to drive."
"Could you please drive me to City Hall? I'm getting married in a couple of minutes and my ride just stood me up."
"Stood you up? Say it ain't so."
"Don't go anywhere. I'll be down in a minute."
"Really? Thank you! Could you hurry?"
What the flying fuck, Blue? There's a bride on your doorstep. There's a bride on your doorstep. She's pretty too. Real pretty. I pinched myself just to check if I was awake as I put on a pair of non-hole-y jeans, grabbed a (sniff sniff nearly) clean shirt and put on my favorite pair of shoes. I totally forgot to put on my cheap-ass socks, though. Imagine that. There's a bride on my doorstep. There's NO TIME to put on socks! One of my other voices said, There's always time for lubricant but there's no time for socks? I rushed down the stairs, wondering if perhaps I had been dreaming after all (lubricant?), but when I opened the front door I saw a beautiful bride with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen in a lovely white mermaid wedding dress. You should've been there to appreciate the utter ridiculousness of the moment.
"Thank you! Thank you sooooo much! I didn't know what else to do. Are you Randy?"
Is that a trick question? You bet I'm randy. Randy and sleepy. Oh she's talking about my name. It says so on your mailbox, stupid. "Yes, that would be me. My friends call me RC, though. Or Blue."
"Nice to meet you, Blue. I didn't know what else to do. Yours was the first door I knocked on. All my friends and family are waiting for me outside City Hall, and my boyfriend too, but my ride stood me up."
"That's the weirdest thing."
"It is, right?"
So, yes, I drove her all the way to City Hall, James Bond style, of course, and honked the horn when we reached our destination. HONK HONK! You should've seen the look on their faces: WTF? WTF?
Exactly, but something tells me I may have finally secured that much-desired ticket to heaven. If that doesn't beat a ticket to Bora, I don't know what does. Did I mention I rushed home, took off my clothes, said hi to Mongo the sweetest cat on the planet, and started snoring the second my head hit the good ole pillow? Heaven... Keep dreaming, Blue.
You're a funny guy.
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