MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Friday, August 19, 2016

When a Bride Comes Knocking on My Door

Dear Blogger Buddy, 

I know I've been neglecting you, but that's only because I've been teaching this never-ever-ending summer class filled to the metaphorical brim with students whose lives somehow seem to depend on, say, my willingness to spend the last bit of energy I've got left in my poor excuse for a body to wake up in the morning and do my thing. I know, that's no excuse for neglecting you. It's no excuse for not stopping by and telling you how much I like you, and I do. You know I do. But maybe I can make it up to you by sharing the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. And when I say, "ever," what I really mean is this month, August, 2016. My therapist tells me I have this propensity toward blatant exaggeration and procrastination. What does she know, right? She thinks Batman V. Superman is a work of art.


All I wanted was to lie down and snore. It had been a hectic day in the office and I was relieved to have finally made it home. Off went my Ted Baker suit (wooooosh!), off went my emergency Speedo's (ummmm), off went my cheap-ass socks, and off went my lonely blue shoe. Off went my brain too. I needed this nap so bad, I could almost taste the Bora cocktail waiting for me in the Land of Make Believe ("Blue, where are you?") — and I was ready to believe, alright. So I crawled toward my big ole couch, only to bump into Mongo The Batcat, a big and hairy creature ill-advisedly given to me for my 40th birthday.  Yay! "Go catch a mouse, Mongo! This is my couch, dammit!"

Ah, there it was, my favorite pillow. It spoke to me: "Come hither, Blue! Come hither!" I said, "Yes, Master. I'm on my way, Master. Wait for me, Master." And just as I was about to sink my heavy head into this haven of softness, someone pounded on my door. Brutally. BANG BANG BANG!

Now what?

I opened the heavy drapes, opened the window and, all bleary-eyed and pretty much naked, I tried to focus on the person looking up. "Hi," this stranger said to me with what appeared to be a friendly smile. I live on the third floor, you see, plus I have this thing inside my brain that turns the whole wide world into a frigging heat haze fest. What the heck am I looking at? "I'm sorry to bother you," she said. "But do you know how to drive?" Is that a bride? Do I know how to drive? You bet I know how to drive. I'd drive all the way to Bora Beach if my car knew how to float, dammit. Is that a bride?

"Yes, I know how to drive."
"Could you please drive me to City Hall? I'm getting married in a couple of minutes and my ride just stood me up."
"Stood you up? Say it ain't so."
"Yeah."
"Don't go anywhere. I'll be down in a minute."
"Really? Thank you! Could you hurry?"

What the flying fuck, Blue? There's a bride on your doorstep. There's a bride on your doorstep. She's pretty too. Real pretty. I pinched myself just to check if I was awake as I put on a pair of non-hole-y jeans, grabbed a (sniff sniff nearly) clean shirt and put on my favorite pair of shoes. I totally forgot to put on my cheap-ass socks, though. Imagine that. There's a bride on my doorstep. There's NO TIME to put on socks! One of my other voices said, There's always time for lubricant but there's no time for socks? I rushed down the stairs, wondering if perhaps I had been dreaming after all (lubricant?), but when I opened the front door I saw a beautiful bride with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen in a lovely white mermaid wedding dress. You should've been there to appreciate the utter ridiculousness of the moment.

"Thank you! Thank you sooooo much! I didn't know what else to do. Are you Randy?"
Is that a trick question? You bet I'm randy. Randy and sleepy. Oh she's talking about my name. It says so on your mailbox, stupid. "Yes, that would be me. My friends call me RC, though. Or Blue."
"Nice to meet you, Blue. I didn't know what else to do. Yours was the first door I knocked on. All my friends and family are waiting for me outside City Hall, and my boyfriend too, but my ride stood me up."
"That's the weirdest thing."
"It is, right?"

So, yes, I drove her all the way to City Hall, James Bond style, of course, and honked the horn when we reached our destination. HONK HONK! You should've seen the look on their faces:  WTF? WTF?

Exactly, but something tells me I may have finally secured that much-desired ticket to heaven. If that doesn't beat a ticket to Bora, I don't know what does. Did I mention I rushed home, took off my clothes, said hi to Mongo the sweetest cat on the planet, and started snoring the second my head hit the good ole pillow? Heaven... Keep dreaming, Blue.

You're a funny guy.

* * *


96 comments:

  1. That was a nice thing to do.
    Although randomly knocking on doors in hopes someone would give her a ride wasn't the safest thing to do.
    Hope you got to visit Boro Boro when you got home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I may have, Alex. Too bad I rarely remember my dreams.

      Delete
  2. Hey Blue,

    It seems there is no way of getting to a post before Alex, or one of his clones arrives. I think he actually comments just as you click on the publish button.

    You are the bestest and she knocked on the right door. A risky thing to do, but hey, there was Blue, how very true.

    Nice being here. And I wont Bora Bora you with some inane, rambling comment.....

    Gary, Gary, nary contrary....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gary, Gary, always flairy, never scary... Alex's famous ninja attacks are as quick as greased lightning. Good to hear from you. You know I will come and stalk you when my classes have finished. Your inaneness is like exquisite music to my ears. Keep playing, maestro.

      Delete
  3. Writers need two things.... imagination and Communications skills. And then there is Blue. Granted with an interesting life full of surprising moments he can write about.

    Lubricant?

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  4. That was possibly the most enjoyable post I've EVER read, Blue ... er, Randy. Randy? That just doesn't sound right. Hmmm ...

    Now to the part when I ALMOST spat my coffee over the keyboard; 'Off went my Ted Baker suit (wooooosh!), off went my emergency Speedo's (ummmm)

    And here is where I DID, in fact, spit my coffee over the keyboard, 'One of my other voices said, There's always time for lubricant but there's no time for socks?' Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Oh, Blue ... Randy (can I call you Randy?) Never mind. Forget I said anything ... Anyway, you did good, my friend. Plus you made someone's day (ie the bride) and mine. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can call me... anytime. But Randy will do, Wendy. Our names almost rhyme. Forget about the emergency Speedo's. they tend to cloud people's judgment (wink wink).

      Thanks for your kinds words. Always stop by for a drink. You know I'm buying.

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    2. How come she did not know you were Randy, Randy?
      Wendy, for the first two years or more I thought Randy was a teenage girl, I swear I did :)

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    3. I am a teenage girl.I just happen to look like a guy, is all. No big deal. Just don't tell Angie.

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    4. tell me Mongo at least noticed?

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    5. He did but no one believes him.

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    6. ain't nobody believes a fat cat!

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    7. Ain't nobody believin' no fat cat? Call the cops!

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    8. Nope, Dezmeister. I did not know, Blue was Randy....

      Delete
    9. you will die if you hear his surname! I won't tell unless I'm paid!

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    10. Dezmeister... She calling you Dezzzzzmeister too. :) Don't make her die. She's too kind a person, you hear.

      So, Wendy... how much are we talking? :)

      Delete
    11. This is most intriguing, I must say. Blue/Randy's surname. What could it be, I wonder? Hmmm ...

      Now, Dezzmeister is willing to be bribed. But how much, indeed, would it cost?

      Delete
    12. Three tons of best New Zealand tea and a dozen pounds of sweets :)

      Delete
  5. Wow, imagine that a bride at your door, that is something out of a fantasy book. I was waiting for you to say the groom ditched her too and you took her out for a drink..haha..imagine that a bride at your door.

    Yes, Blue I think that will get you a ticket through the pearly gate you were her hero that day. honk..honk...so surreal Blue. Driving all James Bond style and I bet you looked dashing driving that bride around.

    Your bora cocktail was waiting for you blue, didn't you get my invite? I was waiting in the dreamscape, with a f fancy umbrella drink.

    You are a funny guy with a big blue heart...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An actual bride, and you bet I've got the pics to prove it. Obviously I won't post them. No need to turn a happy bride into an angry one. But I've got them, and you should've seen to look on everyone's faces when I showed them.

      Honk honk! Blue is burning rubber! Don't stop me now, Mister Police Officer, sir. Hahah! No socks, though, but who would notice there being a bride and all...

      Nope, no invite. Someone most've nabbed it. I blame our mailman and yet I don't blame him.

      You're kind and we should fly.

      Delete
    2. Hi Blue I can't sleep I've just been searching for a good dream to slip into for a bit. Imagine that no socks, I wonder what sort of car did you drive as a dashing Blue Bond, names Bond, Blue Bond. Of course there are pictures, wink wink, I just love a good story and with some humor as well.

      Well, now I know why I was stood up you didn't receive my note and you were busy being a knight to a damsel in distress. I had a lovely table for two with a perfect view of an air-brushed sky. There was a calypso band playing a saucy tune. I waited and waited, but no Blue. What was True to do? She drank her drink and yours and ordered another two. The full moon was rising along with the tide. You know when that moon gets big and brightit's a supernatural delight... Everyone's dancing in the moonlight..

      Ok, where was I ? Oh yes, Blue was being gallant at his show . With emergency speedo? No??

      Let's fly blue into that garden of paradise... Spreading my wings ..

      Back to the dreamscape for me ...zzzzzz.zzz....I blame my rambling on a sleepwalking Truedessa contessa of dreams... drifting back into my pillow. Pleasant dreams Blue!

      Delete
    3. True was on a roll making me scroll. I love saucy tunes. They are so saucy.

      So basically you had four drinks... How did it affect your flying skills? Just wondering. Four would've improved mine. That much is certain.

      I don't think I actually dreamed. I have no recollection of anything. Nada. Maybe it's for the better.

      Delete
  6. I am glad it turned out well. It sounds like something I'd hear about on the local news: "The Bandit Bride has struck again, getting sympathy from local residents and then holding them up and stealing their car!"

    Perhaps I am just a cynic. It is good that you are not!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am a cynic. Just not when I'm sleepy, I now realize. :)

      Delete
  7. Well that was an interesting door knock
    Bet you really confused her family flock
    Who'd stand her up like that?
    People can be scat
    But not old blue
    Even barefoot with only one shoe
    Got her there at your sea
    Then back to snore land for thee
    Scaring Mongo with your naked blue self
    Could use that as a start of a book on a shelf
    Hopefully your dreams were randy
    And Bora beach was handy

    You haven't forsaken the cat
    how about that
    Just maybe number one
    But Hank probably thanks you for that being done lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A knock but no knocking up
      Confusion but no one breaking a cup
      An idiot it must have been
      Standing her up was such a sin
      Will be cursed including his next of kin
      Should been assigned to a dirty bin
      Scat he was, there's no doubt
      Good thing there was a bailout
      Blue coming to the rescue, yes, sir
      Even if the whole episode is just a blur
      As Mongo ran for safety in the place to be
      Must've been terrified like Scooby Dooweeee
      My dreams evaporate like thin air on a rainy day
      No recalling any of them at my bay
      But my Speedo's were clean so I guess not
      Hahaha TMI at your cot?
      No, I still visit the Cat
      Can't resist his rhyming mat
      But, Hank, I will be back
      And my name ain't Jack ;)

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    2. And my name ain't Jack?
      Out on a cyber attack
      could be a mail hack
      Sending all notes back
      From shack to shack
      Would cause some flack
      No words do you lack
      Why do I still yak





      Delete
    3. haha Pat goes commando
      so TMI is never given a go
      The cat just yaps about it all
      Good no knocking up came at your hall
      Now that would be a story
      One to forget like Dory
      Maybe the snore drowns out the dreams
      Evaporate like melting ice creams
      What is thin air anyway
      How can air go away? lol

      Delete
    4. One to forget like Dory
      It would make me kinda snory
      They say it beats Suicide Squad
      I'd rather have some Canadian Goldenrod
      Thin air is air on a diet
      And my name ain't Wyatt

      Delete
    5. Ain't Wyatt, Ain't Jack
      Is your last name Black?
      So you teach the School of Rock?
      That does come as a shock
      But you'd rather have a plant?
      Strange Brew you could chant

      Delete
    6. Jack Black... I hope not
      Though his dough's a lot
      But his looks are a big no-no
      At the Blue Guy Show
      Turning plants into booze
      And then it's time for a snooze

      Delete
    7. His dough I'd take
      In it would rake
      But if it came with his face
      A rather scary embrace

      Delete
    8. I can see you point
      At your joint.

      Delete
  8. Wait, you have a lady therapist??? How wonderfully amusing!
    Wait, you open doors naked? Say what, say what?
    Wait, she did not invite you to the reception after you helped her?
    Wait, does she still live there, did she and her husband become your friends?
    Wait, you have a lubricant in your house? Why, please tell us more, I'm all ears....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What is this... Twenty Questions?

      Wait, you have a lady therapist??? How wonderfully amusing! I blame the influx of skinny jeans.

      Wait, you open doors naked? Say what, say what? The window. But it's a big window, so basically, yes.

      Wait, she did not invite you to the reception after you helped her? I told her I was tired and needed to take a serious nap or else.

      Wait, does she still live there, did she and her husband become your friends? So the story goes. I'm still waiting for confirmation. That's what you get when you snore all day long.

      Wait, you have a lubricant in your house? Why, please tell us more, I'm all ears.... Tripods always have lubricant. Alternatively, I might be referring to my favorite movie scene.

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    2. you mean she did not even bring you a piece of the wedding cake afterwards??? How impossibly impolite... Hope they're not the ones banging on your wall when they're you know... banging each other...

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    3. She went on her honeymoon, Dezz. You know, to bang her brains out. Don't remind me of my old neighbors.

      Delete
  9. Dude, you picked up a hitchhiker? In this day and age? I don't care if she was wearing a bridal gown or doctor's scrubs, she coulda murdered you. You could have been murdered. Dead Blue.
    On a separate note, you need to fire that Therapist. Batman v. Superman was a dumpster fire, Martha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suffer from a lot of things but paranoia is not on my list. Yet. If you know what I look like, you know she was the one risking her life.

      I guess my therapist is the one who needs theraphy.

      Delete
  10. Four drinks helped me navigate the four winds so yeah caught the updraft and away I flew and you can do it too

    Sorry for my early morning ramblings ;)

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    Replies
    1. Why am I down here I was replying up there.. lol

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    2. The strangest things seem to happen to you, True:)

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    3. Blue, If I came a knockin' at your door
      would ya let me in, some wine we could pour
      would ya drive me to a sandy shore
      would we laugh and scream for more
      would we sing and dance for encore
      Tell me Blue would you open your door

      Delete
  11. So, did you give her something blue?

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  12. That was so awesome of you! Yep, you earned your admission ticket past the Pearly Gates!

    ReplyDelete
  13. What in the hell?? Who gets stood up for a ride to their own wedding? That "friend" of hers needs to be fired.
    What an incredibly bizarre thing to happen to you but what luck that it did, because you're a blogger, which means we all got to hear about it. She got her ride, you got your good karma points, and we got entertainment. A win/win/win!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My first karma points... I will cherish them till the end of time. Now, come and knock on my door so I can get a couple more.

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    2. How about I wait until I've gone into labor and THEN I'll knock on your door. EXTRA points for giving a gal a ride when she's got someone's head shoving it's way out her bagina. You're welcome!

      Delete
  14. Seeing as how you didn't get axe-murdered or robbed or axe-murder-robbed, I'd say that's a pretty damn cool story. I always thought it was the groom who was supposed to ditch the bride, not her friend. I wonder what happened there.

    "Ugh, driving my friend to her wedding, it's SUCH a big commitment! I don't think I'm ready for that yet! Agggh!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or axe-murder-robbed-raped... because that's what CNN tells us. Yes, it's a cool story. Obviously I would have never opened the door if she had been as ugly as that green witch from Oz or just your average stick. Or would I? It's such a burden to look in the mirror and to be honest with oneself, you know. There go my good karma points...

      I'm pretty sure it wasn't a friend if you get my drift.

      Delete
  15. You've done your good deed of the day
    Helping a bride in distress to her wedding
    You rewarded yourself any which way
    The best you preferred with your snoring

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They say good deeds never go unpunished, Hank. Now, I still don't know what that means, but it sounds kinda scary. We'll see. Yes, I wanted to go snore (my favorite thing in life) and she came a-knockin' on my door.

      Delete
    2. Your good deed was getting a stranger to their wedding. Punished by putting a beautiful girl on your doorstep who is about to get married.
      Never understood the meaning either, until recently.

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    3. And I didn't dream the whole thing either. That would've made so much more sense.

      Delete
  16. I hope her friend wasn't trying to tell her something she should have listened to. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh, it's fact now, I'm completely jaded, lol!! You're blue and I'm green (jade green). Wait, I can't use that, 'green' means too many other things. :) Ah well, darn nice of ya to drive the bride. Best wishes to the happy couple and hurrah for naps (and cats). ;)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Seriously? That is way weird....but fun.
    Hoping you're enjoying a snooze, Sleeping Bluety.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Missed you more!
    ooooh…Ted Baker indeed ;)

    “….I’m here….with your cocktail…Blue? BLUE… COME BACK……”

    Hahahaha! There’s always time for lubricant! You. Are. Hilarious!

    Well what a wonderful, pay-it-forward, hello Karma you are SO going to Bora in a minute, thing to do.

    I’ll bet the ride that stood her up was an ex fling or a secret admirer. Go you my ace friend. Who needs socks?!

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    Replies
    1. Some colleagues may need to put a sock in it... Oh did I say that out loud, Jules?

      Might I soon be on my way?
      How about today?
      Will you be there?
      Showing off your beautiful hair?
      Will they stare?
      Do we care?

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    2. Do we care? What me and You?
      When we've got better things to do?
      Like cocktail land and sandy feet,
      as we dance to the Bora Bora beat
      With freshly peeled prawns for tea
      Al fresco dining by the sea
      So ask me again, do we really care?
      She shakes her golden, tousle hair

      into...
      a...
      big...
      fat...
      NO! :)

      Delete
    3. Did I mention you're the best? Yes, I did. Will I say it again. You bet your golden hair I will.

      Delete
  19. Hi Blue....
    This is one of the funniest real stories I have ever heard!!
    But...like Dezzy...I have a few questions!
    1. Who was her ride that stood her up?
    2. Why didn't she call a member of her family?
    3. Was she not with anyone getting herself dressed for the wedding?
    4. Why no picture of this ravishing bride?

    Sorry...but enquiring minds need to know!!
    Enjoy your Week ahead...with those silly students of yours...

    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Linda Meets Dezzy. How are you today?
      1. Some idiot she's gonna sue.
      2. Because she waited until the last moment, hoping she'd be picked up.
      3. Yes, a friend - no driving skills, though.
      4. Because I'm a gentleman, is why. I do have them, of course lest I should believe it was all a dream.

      Delete
  20. That is a very strange thing to happen. I wonder if all her relatives who were waiting for her could have come to get her? It was a nice thing you did though.

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    Replies
    1. She waited and waited until it was too late.

      Delete
  21. You should write for a living. Just sayn. But then that pillow probably wouldn't be as sweet.
    A bride at the door, lol. You are an angel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd better stick to grading other people's writing, Lynda. That way I'm less hungry if you know what I mean.

      Delete
  22. I hope she sends you a thank you card and at least saved you a piece of cake!! You're a hero, blue!! A real, genuine hero!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, she did not do any of those two things :(

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    2. @Jax - Still waiting for the card. Maybe she's like most people... a short memory and all. We'll see. As for the cake... What cake?

      @Dez - And so it goes...

      Delete
  23. That's a story! You're a lifesaver and a hero :) Of course we already knew that

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  24. Replies
    1. Don't mention it. She was hoping for Superman. Instead, she got me and a 13-year-old car.

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  25. I hope she sends you a thank you card and at least saved you a piece of cake!! You're a hero, blue!! A real, genuine hero!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Big-hearted Blue befriends beautiful bride, brilliantly !!!

    Well done Blue. Did you get to kiss the bride? . . lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a mouthful of bees. But still no birds haha. Oh if only, Eddie.

      Delete
  27. How do you stand up a bride on her wedding day!? Totally rude and hopefully no longer a friend of the bride. But weird that she would bang on your door to save her day. Don't you have taxi cabs or Uber there?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was wondering the exact same thing. So now I'm thinking maybe this had been her plan all along hehe. Or maybe she wasn't that smart after all. But I tell ya, tired as I was, I sure had a blast.

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    2. Glad you can see the humor in the situation. It's definitely a memory that won't be soon forgotten!

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    3. If I didn't have the pictures to prove it really happened, I wouldn't believe it myself.

      Delete
  28. That is freaking amazing! What are the odds, Blue? Has to be one in a kabillion! So cool!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Well ain't that a kick-ass story!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope she names her first kid, Randy.
    Randy, the champion, savior of moments, even when sans the Ted Baker.

    Perhaps you've noticed but I relate all life to songs....."Ding dong .... the bells
    are gonna chime.... just get me to the church on time." LoL

    Sorry to be so late to your blog, dear friend but I've experienced an unusual
    summer of new and variable extremes of bliss. Decipher that one. Haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've noticed, alright. Ding dong now sing along! No need to apologize for living life to the max, Belva. New and variable extremes of bliss. Let me guess: you're in love. No? Yes? Oh don't keep a guy sans the Ted Baker in suspense. It's bad for his tick-tock. ;)

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