MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Incomplete Transcript of Lecture One: Hypocrisy and the Human Selfie Stick

Good morning boys and girls. Put down your beloved smart phone because today's lecture is about God's greatest gift to men. No, I'm not talking about women, other men or dogs. Today's lecture is about the human penis as seen through the lens of biological sociology and, to a lesser extent, prudism. You may want to put that selfie stick down, too. No, not that one.

O penis, penis, wherefore art thou penis? The very word will shock billions of people to their core. Penis, penis. Say it twice and someone is bound to blush. Oh hello, Janice. How are you today? [Students laughing.] Penis... Say it thrice and the student sitting right next to you might believe you are a latent rapist, which, of course, you know you're not. Penis, penis, penis. Say the magic word repeatedly in your local shopping mall or Imax movie theater and you will eventually be asked to leave. But the one thing all of these friendly folks, from blushing brides to big-mouthed bullies, have in common is that each of them is fully aware of the power of the word penis. Saying "Penis!" out loud is all it takes to draw their attention in much the same way that corporate hacks raise heads above the cubicle walls wondering what the heck is going on. Now, why is that? That, boys and girls, is arguably a more pressing matter than the current mystery of increased skinny jeans fetishism.

I ask you, why are we so preoccupied with penises, or at least one? How can we account for the fact that the most prudish of people — nay, the most cultured of people, or so they would prefer to be perceived — would love to see that naughty picture on Facebook that all of your friends are talking about? Studies have shown that imposed political correctness leads to frustration and, in some cases, irreversible schizophrenia, as some of us would frown disapprovingly upon being subjected to penis-related frivolities on Facebook, then rush to the nearest restroom to take a second peek instead of a leak. Why is that?

Biological sociologists have demonstrated the extent to which the overwhelming majority of us have evolved into involuntary sexual hypocrites. As you know, biological sociology is the study of social behavior or society in relation to biological urges. It is this fascinating tension — and the effect of this tension — between, on the one hand, societal expectations and, on the other hand, penis-related needs that will be further explored in this course.

Okay, raise your hand if you think you are in fact a sexual hypocrite. [Silence.] Oh don't be shy. It's not like I'm recording any of this or sharing it with the world for crying out loud haha! Dick, I know you are a sexual hypocrite. Just look at him. First-Row Dick, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, raise your hand. Be a good boy. You don't want me to fail you. Could you say, "Penis"? [Silence.] Hey, where are you going, Anna? Mandy? Yes, you. I know you can say, "Penis". Raise your hand. C'mon. Raise it. That's right. And what a beautiful hand it is, too. Now, everybody look around you. I would say that about 99% of you fine young students want me and everybody else in this room to believe you are not sexually hypocritical. Well, that's just a statistical impossibility. It seems to me you're lying like Clinton.

[Two security officers entering the lecture room.]

Well, whaddayaknow, here comes the cavalry. Hello, Mister Security Officer. Put a smile on your grim face. Oh and another one. Just two? I know you can say, "Penis!" Could you say, "Penis!" for me? Hey, don't touch me! Boys and girls, I'm going now! I'm... Study chapters 1 and 2. I...

[End of transcript.]


Here's my question to you: What is the link between sexual hypocrisy and political correctness?


* * *

There´s hope for the human race...

65 comments:

  1. I don't want to be a hypocrite!
    Yes, it's a word that makes boys giggle. But it's just a word. Half of us have one. And most of us know the proper way to use it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of us... I'm still looking for a manual, though. A big one, of course.

      Delete
  2. Because of today's PC BS, we don't often come up against or get introduced to a full range of opinions or thoughts. Everyone is so worried they are going to upset someone else that we as a society have became much too politically correct about pretty much everything. Political correctness or being politically correct makes us think before we speak so that we use words or phrases that don't hurt, scare, embarrass or demean anyone and make them feel like we care to include them in what we're saying. It's not politically correct to talk about sexual things in front of others because it might hurt, scare, embarrass or demean them. And we're not allowed to anymore talk in a way that might make someone else feel something they don't want to. Frankly we're raising a bunch of wimps who get their feelings hurt all too often over nothing and they need a 'safe place' to go so they aren't exposed to any one else's opinions that they might not agree with. Which again in my opinion is ridiculous. It's just not politically correct to speak about ones genitals or say the word, "Penis", you might offend, embarrass or make them think about something they don't want to. Don't get me started on this new PC generation, they need a good swift kick in the ass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're raising a bunch of wimps who get their feelings hurt all too often over nothing... My point exactly, Mary. Better make that two kicks ;)

      I love this comment.

      Delete
    2. They might need more kicks than either of us care to give. :)

      Delete
  3. Here's hypocrisy of double standards for you: Facebook has took down yesterday my announcement of my post illustrated with a scene from the movie in which Russell Tovey and another male actor are sitting on a bed in their undies. Not naked, in their undies. Meanwhile, full nude Craptrashian ho pictures were all over the Facebook last week and nobody took them down.... We must sue them, Blue, we must!

    Your post today would've been entirely more fun if you used all possible synonyms for shlong instead of repeating penis :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good example, all right.

      I would've used the synonyms if I didn't feel it's my sworn duty to stick to the facts at all times. After all, this is a transcript, not a movie script.

      Delete
    2. How ya doing' Blue? Did the Autumn school semester start? I've finished everything I, and others too, needed to do for our October Book Fair and now I've enjoyed a free day after two years... spent it by going shopping for jeans to celebrate the arrival of Autumn... the stretchy jeans naturally, what else could walruses fit into?

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    3. Blue is tired but doing OK, Dezzmeister. The Autumn season's well and truly arrived and my students are poised for action. Did you say your first day off in two years? We need to talk, my friend. I thought I was nuts. So do those stretchy jeans look good on you? With or without holes? You're not a walrus.

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    4. of course they do not look good on me, I have X shaped legs, but I can't wear a long skirt, can I? :) How is Mongo of Ming? My Ignatius has found a missing daughter Simonida, and she came to live with him after he got a divorce from her mother.... I'm not even joking... She is as black as Mongo....

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    5. But not as fat as Mongo. No one is. He's asleep right now, that lazy no-good. But I like him so he can stay :)

      Delete
    6. he probably thinks the same of you: he likes you so you can stay :P
      What's new this Autumn at your ZOO? Hope your bum didn't get bluer by getting frozen in this cold wave Europe has been hit by this week.

      Delete
  4. Can say dick or wanker
    And not even get a blink from a banker
    But say penis and oh no
    You gotta go
    Pffffft is all I say to that
    Say boobs or breasts and no one will spat
    Maybe more at boobs than breast
    But they still pass the test
    Say penis though
    And it's back to oh no
    You can murder and maim
    But saying penis is a whole new game
    Get's you rated R
    Well maybe not that far
    Stupid as can be
    PC morons can bite me
    I'll say what I want to say
    Don't like it, go away
    Won't hurt my feeling any
    Like it does sooooo a wimpy many

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "You can murder and maim
      But saying penis is a whole new game..
      Ain't that the truth
      And we can ask Dr Ruth
      Robocop PG-13
      Terminator too if you know what I mean
      Walking on eggs all the time
      Before you know it, you'd better not rhyme

      Delete
    2. Pffft better not rhyme?
      They'll never stop my chime

      Delete
    3. Good to know
      At the kitty cat show
      They may sniff a shoe
      Or even Scooby Doo
      I know the type all too well
      Oh hell...

      Delete
    4. Hell is what they try to raise
      As PC they praise
      But they can stick it
      And come out smelling like umm spit

      Delete
  5. I am not sure what political correctness means anymore. I see PC defined in a comment above, negatively, as thinking before we speak so we don't hurt the feelings of others. I was taught that thinking before we speak and not purposely hurting the feelings of others were good things. My mom taught me those things.

    I try not to get offended (or, as autocorrect wants to make me say, "geofences") by anyone's word choice, though. Maybe living alone for so long has made me oblivious to what I'm laughing at or what my web history looks like!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say it's overthinking before we speak, resulting in untruthfulness and a subtle spread of fear. Too many people walking on too many eggshells in my book.

      Delete
  6. I'm not sure if I should raise my hand or not because I'm not sure the lecturer properly defined the hypocrisy in not enjoying the word, "penis." Some of us have a preference for Richard. Some enjoy the synonym for rooster. But what makes that hypocritical? I don't like the way penis makes my mouth move. Start with a pucker then move immediately into a stretched, deflating balloon motion, relax a bit for the "n" sound then back to the stretch for the "i" then a hissing sound. It's a poorly constructed word from a phonetic standpoint.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent point, Pickster, thought in its defence, it could be argued that penis is a word that has phonetic foreplay built into its system. It really forces your mouth to warm up, say. :p

      Delete
  7. Severity of situation is apparent
    A review necessary in an instant
    Just what is it of penis
    To talk about of the least
    And it is like keeping it relevant

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A review is necessary, all right.
      Will probably take all night

      Delete
  8. Wow, Mary killed it. We're not even going to try to replicate that.

    By the way, here's something to tell your prude friends: if you've ever said the word 'happiness', then that word has not only left your lips willingly, but most likely with a smile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen. And, yes, Mary killed it, nailed it. Nothing to add.

      Delete
  9. I remember skinny-dipping with a friend and discovering that it grew! Suddenly both of us became embarrassed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're describing my life! Except that my friend was a she.

      Delete
  10. I'm so not PC, but the word penis is so boring to me. I prefer all of the other ways it is sad. I mean, tallywhacker is just more fun to say than penis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kids played a game in high school where they'd scream it as loud as they could without being heard by someone working for the school

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    2. Just like it is more fun to say Kagina instead of the v-word.

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    3. @Theresa - Tallywacker is a great word. Try and say that a couple of times at work or in your local, well, anyplace. A sad penis is just depressing and... blue. But a blue penis can't be good, unless it's mine. Then it's supposed to be blue.

      Adam - Why didn't I think of that?

      Dezzzmeister - It is?

      Delete
  11. penis. penis. penis.
    oh, a few comes to mind. one stands out for all the good reasons, the other...it's something i won't forget! because i don't kiss and tell, i can't even speak about it! did i just say something?!

    political correctness. the world is becoming too cynical by becoming too politically correct. how are you Blue? hope all is well with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great comment, Jaya J. I missed you. Oh I'm exhausted 24/7 but that's the way it is. I'm smiling.

      Delete
  12. I know not the answer to the question! But. I did see this on a Tshirt the other day.

    Say: eye
    Spell: map
    Say: ness

    took me 4 goes saying it slowly.............

    ReplyDelete
  13. Replies
    1. That's all we needed to hear, Sheena-kay!

      Delete
  14. By the end of this, I was just sitting here saying penis over and over. My wife stared but said nothing. I have to wonder what she's thinking now.

    She's probably thinking about penis.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You bunch of pussies! WHOOPS, ahem, I meant vagina's...oops, cringe (shhhh, you can't say that) what about this - "PENIS!PENIS! PENIS!" if you keep saying it really fast It sounds like spinny. Seriously, I just tried that. The lady is Sainsbury's just gave me a right dirty look ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. If you name your kid Enis, you are just setting him up for trouble.
    I once knew an "Enis the penis." I think Ingmar Bergman used
    that name for some of his characters, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poor kid. Randy Enis would be even worse...

      Delete
  17. Dingle dangle. That's all I have to say on the matter...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'll raise you a ding-a-ling dong. Hello, Wendy!

      Delete
    2. You two kids talk so dirty, moma's gonna wash your mouths with soap!

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    3. She can try. Won't do any good, though.

      Delete
  18. Hello, Blue ... er, Randy!

    And Deizzmeister, wash your own mouth out ... or momma's gonna smack your bottom!

    And on that delightfully charming note: As you were. The pair of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You tell him, Wendy. That guy is so naughty you'd swear he invented it.

      Delete
  19. In the eyes of PC the word penis, er . . . "sucks",
    You can call it by other names and and you can bet large bucks
    that "tool", knob", "dick" "prick" will be ok
    to say in public any time, night or day.
    Word "penis" seems to "arouse" much debate
    which should subside and start to deflate . . lol
    My little grandson calls it something else at two
    he refers to it often as his "Willy-Woo!"
    Of the name, "penis" in public we should not abuse it
    And it's not only the size but the way we should use it . . . thank goodness! . . the name and the function . . . lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eddie is on a roll
      No need for cruise control
      Did you say "tool" and "knob" too?
      I'll raise you a Scooby Doo!

      Delete
  20. btw . . . is your's cold or is it just blue? . . . haha

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  21. Sorry, I got way too distracted by the hilarious photo at the end. So goes my short short attention span. I'm all for calling things by their proper names

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  22. This was the one word I regretted teaching my youngest too early. He used it liberally and often, most often in public, which was shocking to anyone who could hear, including me hahahaha

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    Replies
    1. Haha that's funny, Rosey. I wonder what my kid would do if I had one.

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Speak your mind.