"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Will you ever reach Bora?

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

"Star Wars 9: The Final Blow" (Blue's Definitive Synopsis that Disney Didn't Like So Much)

So I called my friend Harrison Ford the other day to congratulate him on his secret three-month fling with Carrie Fisher that I'd been reading about. Let's just say he was not amused and called me a "blue Nerf herding dick" — not necessarily a compliment, and I know for a fact he knows my first name isn't Dick. But he did like my synopsis for Star Wars 9: The Final Blow. So, here it is... with Ford's hump... I mean stamp of approval.

Okay, so there's going to be another Death Star. That's right. Death Star number 4. But this time.... hold on to your butts!.... it is made by the resistance. YES! You may want me to run that by you once again. Okay, so there's going to be another Death Star. But this time... it is made by the resistance. YES! And they blow the First Order to smithereens. Boooooooooom! Goodbye! The end.

Rey, our likeable heroine, wakes up in her bedroom in a serious sweat. She is utterly confused. She looks at a picture of Leia smiling. (Leia is smiling, not Rey.) She sighs. She looks at a picture of Han Solo not smiling. (I guess he had a bad feeling about Carry spilling the proverbial beans one not-so-fine day.) She sighs. She looks at a picture of Luke with a beard. (Luke has the beard, not Rey.) The voice of the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi says, "Yes, that's the one!" She then grabs her Spacephone 7 and calls Luke. Still confused and sweating like a pig on a pot belly pig stove, Rey says, "Hey, Luke. Yes, listen, I just had this horrible nightmare about pod races, endless trade negotiations, treaties and more treaties, midi-chlorians, tons of bad, bad, really bad and stilted dialogue, and then there was this terrifying creature called Jar Jar Binks."

Luke: No!
Rey: Yes!

"And the last thing this Jar Jar creature said to me, right before I woke up screaming like a maniac in heat, was..." (insert extreme close up of Jar Jar's big mouth filling the entire screen) "'Meesa be back, Rey! Meesa be Baaaaaaack!'" Split screen: Luke and Rey both screaming like Vader did in Episode III: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

A final crawl that sums everything up and rights all wrongs. No one will ever see this one coming (unless, of course, you're reading all of this). You may want to touch... I mean, click to enlarge (I think):

Yes, click on it. It won't blow up.
So, I don't know why Disney wasn't interested. I think the resistance building a super-duper Death star 4.0 would be quite the surprise for both the viewers and the First Order. It's borderline revolutionary! "Hey, First Order people! Nice outfits, but check this out!" Booooooooooom! (Silence. More silence.) I know. This could've been my first-class ticket to Bora and I, for one, would've invited all of you fine people to my little Bora beach shack to get wasted big time. But what does Disney know, right? So...

Maybe next time?

* * *
Minor spoiler? Oops... too late!


  1. WOWEEEEEE A great big death star one more
    That is a twist of lore
    It will take up a whole universe too
    The size of that thing will sure be new
    Oh wait, it was all a dream
    Like that prequel stream?
    Damn, and I was hoping for the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig death star
    4.0 will take it car
    But don't worry one bit
    Ford will be back to take the hit
    All ghostly and such
    Maybe on Ghost they'll touch
    Create a death star pot
    Spinning the whole lot

    1. Number four
      Comes knocking on your door
      But here's the twist
      Making the troopers pissed:
      The rebellion saved up a buck
      And now them evil flucks are shit outta luck!
      Pardon my Greek
      Don't think I'm a Star Wars freak
      But I'd sure beat a reboot, don't you think?
      Or would it make the saga sink?
      A great final chapter it would make
      First a stir and then a shake
      As in booooooooooooom
      Bummer time as they meet their doom
      Never touch a ghost
      Won't make you want to boast
      From coast to coast

    2. But then they'd have been hidden away
      Another big bad whiny guy would come to play
      The final final chapter would come due
      Finally the final final final chapter still isn't true

    3. And when they're done...
      Here comes the reboot fun!

  2. Maybe they were more interested in Dark Helmet's version?
    Jar Jar being back would be a nightmare for most.

    1. A nightmare far worse than THIS one. Um... maybe not, but it's a close call.

  3. Really? They weren't interested? Narrow minds.

    1. Tunnel vision, is what that is. Plus they hate my guts for calling Mickey a rat. I was young... what can I say?

  4. Shame on Harrison for speaking to you that way. The next time I see him I'll demand that he apologize to you.


    1. That'll teach him! How are you, Janie?

    2. Better, thanks. We're recovering from our loss. We'll always miss Stella, but she's in our hearts.

    3. She looks so sweet in those pictures. :(

  5. He'd have to explain Kylo Ren

  6. You forgot the part where Mich marries Poe Dameron.

  7. I didn't watch the prequeals. I've seen maybe three of the movies total. I did watch the latest one out though.

    1. No prequels for Mary. Wish I could say the sam thing haha

  8. You know, I haven't been too impressed with the newer movies. Production quality was awesome, but story wise... *shrugs*

  9. Whoever rejected your idea Blue is a hack. Suicide Squad gets nominated for an Oscar but your genius is ignored? Injustice!

  10. Sure, there's another Death Star, but is it bigger? More impressive? Equipped with nitrous so it can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs? We need MORE.

    1. It's actually smaller. Nano techno shit haha! (Evil laugh) Not good?

  11. Clinton and Harrison (as depicted in your comic) have something in common. 'cept Harrison wasn't married (I don't think), so he didn't have to be embarrassed/humiliated by his choice to dabble.

    Too bad we all miss out on that trip to Bora. Sounds fun. ;)

  12. I have only one thing to say about Jar Jar:

  13. GAH I had to skip through this post because I haven't seen it yet

    1. IT meaning Star Wars 9? They still need to shoot it, Rooth. That's wy I pitched it, but obviously Disney has no sense of humor.

  14. Disney- what a bunch of hacks passing on such a brilliant idea. But hey, at least we have Frozen 2 to look forward to. Pft.

  15. I would fucking love to see a Blue Star Wars!!


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