MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Saturday, April 15, 2017

When Enough Is Enough, Mr. Pigfest

When you love food the way I do, it's a minor blessing I can't cook to save my life. When it comes to my ability to curb the urge to (gentlemanly) pork out and polish off a plate, grab an extra bite to hit the spot and maybe, just maybe, call it a night, I'm not so much blessed. What I mean is — I love chocolate and candy, and chocolate with candy, or that Swedish girl Candy with chocolate on top. Pretty please! And I love anything dairy, too, the truth be told, not to mention a drink or five in the company of friends. Put a box of prednisone in the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster just waiting to happen.


I could see the signs. We all did. Even Mongo the Fat Cat, who thinks he's Batman The Furry Kind, saw the signs. Clear as a bell. So a month ago I slowly stripped down to my heroic blue Speedo's ("Music, Maestro!") and I looked in the mirror that wanted to crack so much ("Hello Mister One-pack!"). Where were those firm buttocks minstrels had written illustrious verses about? What had happened to the cheeks of love that could make any woman blush, and men, too? No, Sir, I didn't like the direction I was heading in. I didn't like it one butt bit. That's when I declared ever so sternly: "Enough is enough."

Yeah, right.

No, what really happened was a friend of mine said, "You used to be so handsome and thin. Now look at you." He meant it as a compliment. So basically it wasn't common sense that made me pull the switch on my culinary pig fests but sheer vanity. And did I mention talk is cheap? Well, so is being on a diet. I call it The Art of Look but Don't Touch. That means there's the chocolate, but take one bite and you're a loser. A softy. Worse than Clinton. A 46-year-old kid who needs a certificate that says, "He touched the chocolate, but we still think he's a winner." I don't think so. So that's what I've been doing these past few weeks: I look but I don't touch. So far I've lost 12 pounds and saved quite a few bucks in the process. Yay! Talk is cheap and, guess what, so is being on a diet.

But I'm moody as f**k. That's saying a lot coming from a blue guy who thinks crying is funny. I'm so moody I want to tear my couch apart. I want to jump on it and squash it like an oversized bug (I'm heavy enough) just because I feel I'm entitled to a bit of venting. I'm supposed to love that couch, though. It's where I do my Snore Olympics. But somebody's got to pay the price. Or some... thing. Kill the couch! Sigh. I'm so moody I keep glaring at my newly-built $500 bookcase and imagine setting the damn thing on fire. Who needs books when you're hungry? Who cares about a fresh coat of paint when your stomach says, "Screw that bookcase and jump that chocolate bar, dammit! Jump its bones!" And I agree with that inner-voice of mine. Books don't mean a thing when you've got this weak man's craving for more, more, MORE! Did I mention that The Little Prince may be my all-time favorite, but Charlie and the Chocolate Factory comes a close second? Well, these days I'm so hungry someone has to stop me from eating that chocolate infested book, too. Chapter and verse. Give me that book! I'll eat it!

Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

But then I look in the mirror and I see this vain little angel land on my right shoulder — quite a sexy creature — and she whispers sweet words into my ear: "Oh you look so good. You look great. You almost look like a million bucks! Now you don't have to burn your discount Ted Baker suits, you handsome blue you. Come summertime, and you'll wear them like a prince. Not a fat prince. Not a thin prince, but an... okay prince. Just don't touch that chocolate. Don't touch that booze. Don't eat that book." And then Mr. Chocolate Devil Pants lands on my left shoulder and yells, "Eat me!" And I curse and swear and I find myself pondering those certificates for losers who are really whiny winners, and I wonder if they'd taste any good with a bit of salt and pepper. (The certificates, not the whiners.) Maybe a bit of hot sauce, too. Wouldn't that be great?

Stop that!

Do you see what a bit of food detox does to a guy who wouldn't hurt a fly?! (Well.... I don't know about that... maybe with some hot sauce...) But I won't give up. I will succeed, nay, I will prevail. I will be worthy of a real certificate. One that says,
Here's to the Missus. Yes, I'm drinking water.


* * *

67 comments:

  1. What can I say but congratulations. And drat you.
    I really, really don't need any more reasons to feel inadequate. Or perhaps if I listen I will no longer live in a king-sized economy body.

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    Replies
    1. You're quick :) No, don't feel inadequate. Life's too short for that kind of thing. I needed to lose some weight because of my health issues. Thanks for stopping by.

      Blue

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  2. the proof of the pudding (is in the eating)
    often heard, that one is lulled into thinking
    it'll work by itself for the truth
    not really waiting to give it a push

    but it has a lot to do with avoiding 'vice'
    with determination and lots of sacrifice
    broken promise to oneself every so often
    in line with the revised yearly resolution

    just eat less and pick and choose and no dieting
    enjoy life's offerings grow cuter and continue eating

    Hank

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    Replies
    1. That's right. Just eat less, know what it is you're eating, and mind the time. That's about it, Hank The Poetry Tank :)

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  3. The trick is to eat very small meals, then have your red wine with a piece of chocolate.

    I'm about as vain as they come. I do my hair before I work out.

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    1. You do your hir before you work out. I like that.

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  4. I like Bijoux's comment. I might try that diet. In the meantime, congrats on your weight loss achievements. Now just don't find those pounds you lost.

    betty

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    Replies
    1. I won't go looking for them :) It's not really a diet. I just don't eat as much as I used to. No second helpings, no supersizing anything. No coca cola.

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  5. Minstrels wrote songs about your buttocks? Good thing we throw musicians and jesters into dungeons in my kingdom...

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  6. It IS hard to give certain things up when we get used to them! Good luck with meeting your goal. Happy Easter! :)

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  7. For a second there
    I thought a blue cannibal was coming out at your lair
    What some people say
    Sure can lead the way
    Stick on track
    Gets easier at your shack
    And eventually you find
    The crap won't be on your mind
    Plus after a while it tastes bad
    At least most to be had
    Can't go having a heart attack
    And hey, saving money is a win at your shack
    I had one tell me, "wow, you are ripped. That is cool"
    So that upped the ego of this fool
    But then they asked why I didn't wear those skimpy man clothes to show it off
    Yeah, to that kind of vanity I scoff

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    Replies
    1. Skimpy makes me ill
      Never mind the bill
      Slim trim skinny jeans and spit
      Just ain't my kinda hit
      Heart attacks... is there a magic pill
      You can take when they're ready to kill?
      Ripped, then looking great
      I guess two birds in one crate
      But good health is key
      At any rhyming sea.

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    2. haha no skinny jeans
      Won't see you on movie screens?
      Your blue ass sticking out
      Good health is what it is about
      Can't sit on one's ass
      And just increase their mass

      Delete
    3. No reboot of the skinny jeans holes
      I'd rather beat up some trolls
      Or sit on a pie
      Or eat a fly
      Good health is key
      In the place to be
      And I'll raise you a Scooby Dooweee!

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    4. Sit on a pie
      You may get an oh my
      A whipcream ass
      Or a lemony pass

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    5. Sit on a duck
      You may get an oh...
      Just so you know
      At the Kitty Cat Show :D

      Delete
  8. Lost 12 lb.,huh? Yay. That's nothing to sneeze at or start eating paper with hot sauce. Just put up more mirrors, all through your house. Mirrors are like cops or the 10 commandments or security cameras, you can't cheat. My abode used to be a dance studio with mirrors stuck to the wall. They just keep me honest. I'm delighted to hear the Ted Bakers are safe.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, Ma'am. 12 in total. Not bad for a chocolate munching blue guy. Ted is happy, Blue is too. Not a big fan of mirrors, though my blue sea boasts 7 of those things... Makes the house look bigger.

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  9. I had an aunt who was always dieting and was always talking about she wished she could eat a little of this or that. She ran every morning and became a deputy a sheriff and then passed the bar to become a lawyer. 6 months later she was told she had lung cancer and passed away less than a year later. What I'm trying to say is don't let this life pass you by and not enjoy it to the fullest. Eat the cake, have a chocolate, enjoy what you love and don't worry so much about gaining a few pounds. Oh course you want to be happy with yourself but don't make yourself so unhappy getting there that you don't enjoy life because we never know how much time on this Earth we have.

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    1. That's a sad, sad story, Mary. The thing is, I need to lose weight because of my sarcoidosis and all. But I'm not letting this life pass me by :) Thanks for caring.

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    2. I can certainly understand that. :)

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    3. But we're still here, Mary, so let's keep going strong.

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  10. 12 lbs - congratulations that's big! I'm wishing you best of luck in your dieting endeavour. We could all do with eating a little healthier and a little less, right?

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  11. Way to go! I went on a sugar fast when I was a teenager--because I was totally addicted. Went an entire year without candy, chocolate, etc. Best thing I ever did. Learned that the body will take what I will give it, not the other way around.

    Proud of you and your vain angel. Keep at it. The moodiness will settle, and hey, you can always replace your chocolate with celery. ;) (LOL!)

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    1. Hi Crystal. That's so kind of you to say that. The moodiness is one heck of a problem, but I'm sure it'll settle eventually. A sugar fast? That must've been tough. Now excuse me while I go chew on soe celery.

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  12. I am proud of you Blue! I know losing weight is damn hard! And, I know all about being in moods!!! I have a lot of weight to lose and I know I'm going to do it! Through my life, I have went up and down, this time, no! I am just going down!! If I can do it, you can too! Sending positive thoughts! Big Hugs!

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    1. You're proud of me? Well, that means a lot to me. Thank you for saying that. Yes, it's hard, so the trick is to simply avoid snacking and make sure you don't eat late at night. O... and avoid second helpings. O... and don't supersize anything.

      Yes, you bet you can do it. I like to think I'm not on a diet. I've just changed my eating habits. It would be too hard to stick to a diet. Eat less and smaller portions.

      Thanks for the positive thoughts and the big hugs :)

      Delete
  13. Hi Blue,

    I know you are a person with determination and can do anything you set your mind to ;) You should be proud of yourself 12 lbs, that equals a pant size. There are still plenty of healthy foods you can eat. I would rather you live a long life and I am sure Angie would agree.

    and for your moodiness

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B01T7VaXsB0

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    1. I have no choice, which is what a guy as stubborn as myself needs. Thanks for the song, but... this is how I've been feeling these past couple of weeks: CLICK!

      No, of course I'm not kidding :)

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    2. hmm, well that got me all shook up..and made me think of this...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xXnoAoEENo

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7-Klg8ca10

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    3. That makes perfect sense to me. I'll be Goode from now on...

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    4. Did I mention I'm still moody, though? Maybe I should go and listen to a song.

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    5. Ah yes, take me away in songs so I might feel whole. I feel an emptiness inside, He's a complicated man, she a complicated lady, their world colors them blue, believe me it's true in shades of me and you..we're moody blue, yeah baby moody blue, my own cover.. :)



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    6. Well, it"s hard to figure out
      What we're all about
      But you're lovely,kind and True
      It's too complicated, lady,
      I'd color us maybe a moody blue...

      Sing along!

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    7. Sing with me Blue!

      Well, it's hard to figure out
      What we're all about
      He's starlight, she's moonlight
      I keep hangin' on to the melody
      hoping someday, we'll get it right

      He's a complicated man
      She's a complicate lady
      coloring their world in moody blue
      believing, dreams can really come true


      Delete
  14. Congrats on 12 pounds! I've been killing myself at the gym and haven't lost a friggin' pound yet. I just lie to myself and say it must be muscle growth when in fact I still like to indulge in a little chocolate after dinner. It's just me being a fat ass not wanting to combine eating well with fitness. Right now it's one or the other. Someday I'll stick the two together and see some progress. Someday....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Not one single friggin' pound? Say it ain't so! Define "a little chocolate".... Oh I miss my chocolate. Wait a minute... You're not a fat ass. C'mon! I've seen your pics. Don't tell me they were photoshopped, because they were not.

      Someday... Well, you look like a million bucks. Plus you're cool. There. I said it.

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  15. Congrats and well done! Just keep looking at that picture we drew you once upon a time ago, that you have posted on the side bar. One stud muffin coming up... (hold the muffin)

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    1. Haha yeah... well, that picture is um... inspirational. :D

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  16. 12 pounds, Blue? That's freaking awesome! Go you! Keep up the good work and keep reminding us of this because it's good inspiration for the rest of us. I'm about to do a thirty-nine day prednisone treatment for all my health crap so I need to stay mindful about my snacking habits too. (Why thirty-nine and not thirty or forty, I don't know...weird) But knowing that someone else is going through it too helps. Thanks for sharing this!

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    1. That friggin' prednisone... You, too, huh... That's so depressing. But... you can do it. Don't snack too much, Elsie! Prednisone equals 'Damn, I'm hungry... again.'

      Good to hear from you again.

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  17. twelve pounds? you've lost twelve pounds? That's bloody marvelous! Congrats.
    I need to lose weight too. Ugh. I have a penchant for cheese and wine ... chocolate and candy I can leave. Not my kinda thing.
    Thank god for small mercies.

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    1. Yes, I've lost twelve and I don't need them back. Cheese and wine'll do the trick, too. :) So how many pounds are you looking to get rid of?

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    2. About 20. Let's not talk about it ......

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    3. I'll keep my big mouth shut. How's the weather....?

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  18. Congratulations! You have done well!

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  19. I hope you do reward yourself every once in awhile. Food isn't my vice, but then, this is a family blog ;)

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    1. A family blog... I hear ya. Does that mean I'm less curious? No. Yes, I allow myself a cappuccino every once in a while to mind control that vicious sweet tooth of mine.

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  20. PS Congrats on the amazing self control. I have none in some areas.

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  21. Congratulations.
    Well done on the 12 pounds lost ...

    All the best Jan

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    1. Hi Jan! Yes, 12 pounds and counting... Can barely believe it myself... All I do is eat less and I ignore candy like the plague. Each time I see some candy, I tell myself, Blue, that's 99% sugar, sugar makes you fat, too much fat is bad for your heart. It works like a charm because it's true.

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  22. Mr. Chocolate Devil Pants really is a sadistic jerk. I hope he lays off soon. Yeesh!

    I'm a bit new to the watch-what-you-eat club, having always been thin. But now cake keeps cackling at me. Not fair...

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    1. Pretend it's your worst enemy or something you don't eat.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

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  23. Well done on losing the pounds!! I'm hiding so I don't find them. I've eaten way to much chocolate this month.........& last month.......and wine........let's not go there!

    Most excellent Certificate of Achievement :-) :-) :-)

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    1. This month AND last month? Well, it sure sounds chocolicious!

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  24. Hi Blue...
    Kudos to you! 👏👏👏
    I am trying too...
    Not doing as well as you...
    Enjoy the rest of your chocolate free weekend!!!
    Cheers! {water}
    Linda :o)

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  25. Wow, Blue, 12#s! That's great! I bet you're looking good:)

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