MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Pixel Porn: When Mickey Mouse Meets the Smurfs (Simply Because We Want Him To)

Rest assured this post is not about Mickey meeting the Smurfs, but it comes pretty close. That in its own right is a scary thought if there ever was one.



You see, there's this new What The Flick spin-off called The Reboot, an online test show that, I quote, "celebrates beloved movies from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 2000's by revisiting them and asking ourselves: What should a reboot look like? How would we modernize it and do them justice?" Much as I like to reserve this special feeling called unwavering hatred with a pinch of disgust for 99% of all reboots (and poor grammar), I gave them the benefit of the doubt and watched the first episode expecting the worst and receiving so much more than just your average bucket of Poopy Terrible.

Fast forward.

While I was taking a long eco-unfriendly shower to get rid of said filth and cleanse my soul in the process, I kept wondering, Why didn't I like that show? Why was it so cringeworthy my third leg wanted to scream, "Mayday! Mayday!" and hide inside my butt? You know, like a newborn 1979 alien that flipped the bird on the script and decided to improvise a bit? Ouch! (Erase that image!) Was it, perhaps, my timeworn inability to appreciate reboots? Was that it? I hate reboots so I hate the show? I dropped the soap and felt relieved I wasn't in the slammer when suddenly it just dawned on me: my wanting to nuke the show cold-war style was not because I'm allergic to reboots. What I utterly disliked about the show was how the panel displayed the kind of behavior that is typical of today's princes and princesses: they were acting like a bunch of adult spoiled brats who did not realize they were acting like a bunch of adult spoiled brats. "I want this. I want that. I want this actor to play that role. Ha ha isn't that a smart idea! Okay, let's do an updated version of Back to the Future (because updated equals good), and this time we need a Prius instead of a Delorian. I want the studio to listen to me. I want. I want. I want."

Oh darn. Here we go: ME, ME, ME all over again like a reboot from hell that just won't go away. And, of course, when ka-ching is the magic word, studios listen.

You see, much of today's movie-making might as well be called Movies By Demand, where it's the fanboy / fangirl who in a galaxy not that far away (if only...) collectively decided it's okay to be sitting in the scriptwriter's seat, the screenplay writer's seat and — heck, why not — the director's seat, all in one fell amateurish swoop. As a result, we get crossover movies and crossover books turned into crossover movies that are turned into reboots and rebooted crossover books where Batman fights H.R. Giger's alien, Batman meets The Ninja Turtles (I kid you not: CLICK!), Jason fights Freddy, and aliens fight Predators (or AvP). Versus, versus, versus. What's next: " Mickey vs. the Xenomorph Smurfs in Outer Space"?

Even Ridley Scott, the director of one of the best sf movies to date, gave in to his viewers' complaints about Prometheus, which had disappointed fans across the planet. They wanted scary aliens. They wanted xenomorphs. They wanted corridors and people running in them, preferably the wrong way. They wanted more of the same. More of the same. More of the same. Give me more of the same. I want. I want. I want. And so Mr. Scott caved in and threw his originals plans for Prometheus Part 2 out of the window and lo and behold: there was Alien: Covenant. Fanboy saw all that Ridley had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning. There were chest-bursting aliens, friendly facehuggers and screaming idiots, and it was all very, very good. Thank you, Ridley. Thou shalt go to heaven after all. Amen. (Except when you agree with THIS reviewer, and I do.)

"Fine. Now, bring me Mickey," Fanboy Moron said. "And it had better be good. I was thinking... and bear with me, because this is a very, very good idea... 

Okay, so Mickey meets Gyro Gearloose, the anthropomorphic chicken turned inventor who had turned a Prius into a mind-blowing device that allows you to cross over to.... another dimension. Mickey hits the throttle, hits a whopping 88 mph and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzap! ends up in Smurf City, where he falls in love with Smurfette. They have PG-13 sex, but then Mickey is torn apart by guilt because he thought he loved Minnie so much and, yes, saves all the Smurfs from the evil plotting of Gargamel, the Smurfs' arch enemy, in a pixel-porn infested action scene that puts the finale of Fast & Furious 8 AKA F8 to shame. Of course, in the end Papa Smurf says, "Come to Papa," and still bathing in a puddle of sweat, Smurfette realizes her thirst for hot-n-steamy PG-13 mouse sex was just an inappropriate fantasy that she shouldn't have acted on. But she knew all along that's what fans were hoping to see, so she indulged them. Mickey didn't mind. He takes a long eco-unfriendly shower, drops the soap and, saying farewell to an entire village of blue folks, including a handsome blue non-Smurf hiding somewhere behind a tree (fangirl easter egg!), steps into his mighty Prius, hits the throttle, hits 88 mph — that speed of all speeds — and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzap!"

THE END

The crowd goes wild ("Hooray! Hooray! Encore! More of the same!"). The movie theater is declared holy ground by fanboy extremists and is aptly renamed Fanboy Shrine (or Fan B.S.) the following day. What a spectacle! Life is good! Thank you, God!

P.S. Rest assured this post was not about Mickey vs. the Smurfs, but it sure came pretty darn close. Just the way you wanted it.

No?

* * *


60 comments:

  1. I've no idea what this post was actually about, was it about the rehoot of Twin Peax? Or Dynasty? Or Roseanne?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What makes you hink I know? Now, lets's see... spoiled fanboy dictatorship with a pinch of crazy?

      Delete
    2. I'm so glad DEZMOND said it first, ha! I have no clue what this post was about either, but no...just no on Smurfette & PG-13 sex!

      Delete
    3. No clue? :( I'm a terrible writer... I knew it.

      In a nutshell: Instead of being creative, movie makers let themselves be dictated by fanboys and fangirls, who are so spoiled they think they can just put all of their favorite movie characters in the same story, even if it doesn't make sense.

      I need a drink. I'm a horrible writer.

      Delete
    4. No one understands my post, Sandra. Maybe my dieting affects my writing... :D

      Delete
  2. The last think I want in my mind is Mickey and a Smurf doing it.
    Sadly, Alien: Covenant might as well been a reboot since there wasn't much original material.
    Reboots seldom work, especially when it involves a television show. Like Baywatch. Why are they taking all the old 80's and 90's shows and rebooting them as slapstick comedies?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why? Because that's how they define creativity or, worse, humor. I live Alien and Aliens. I don't like Covenant. Not one bit.

      Delete
    2. Maybe it's their way of admitting that many of those shows were silly to begin with?

      Delete
  3. I think I could see the movie with Mickey, especially if he did his hot dog dance in it. Otherwise, some things should just be laid to rest and not made up or returned in any such fashion.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
  4. In other news, I heard Arrested Development is coming back , . . AGAIN!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, you'll soon have Japanese animators kicking down your door
    They'll want to take your idea and do an encore
    An R rated anime fest
    The kids over there will love it the best
    But you have to throw in Pikachu
    Maybe one that is painted blue
    And some Dragon Ball Z
    Then it will be one all want to see

    Alien the rebooted reboot
    Like a gremlin in a garbage chute
    That's what we need
    Make our eyes bleed
    Ugg that show made me want to puke
    Hit it with a nuke
    And only 2 mins in
    Exit that god awful spin
    Take their bttf reboot stuff
    And stuff it up their butt oh so rough
    Oh and they are rebooting Resident Evil too
    Not, one, not two, but 6 sequels on cue
    Mortal Kombat the reboot
    Jumanji gets a toot
    That Rosanne show
    Where they kill the main character at the end you know
    But that don't count
    Wouldn't make any $$$$ amount
    So that was fake
    Now the reboot partake
    The Purge the tv show
    Dredd will be given a go
    Ducktales will be back this summer
    So Gyro Gearloose may make a time traveling hummer
    Like Gummi Bears they are bouncing here there and everywhere
    Me me me me me is all they care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Animators kicking down my door?
      Will they make me rich at my shore?
      A blue Pikachu?
      How about an R rated Scooby Doo?
      That show made you puke, too?
      Say it ain't so at the puking cat show!
      Two minutes in... that's kinda slow :p
      That black goo I sure wanted to throw
      And you know where
      Alien 6, 7, 8, reboot 2, 3, 4... I don't care
      The original is already tainted, thanks a lot, Scott!
      I swear I thought that baby alien was gonna dance and sing
      What a stupid pixel thing
      Jumanji.... oh darn
      I'll go hide in a barn
      Rosanne: Resurrection
      Won't give me an erecsomethingtion
      Me me me
      In the place to be.

      Delete
    2. Could be rich
      A R rated Roger Rabbit pitch
      Without the rabbit
      Just with Mickey's smurf habit
      Scooby Doo I've seen
      Not puke worthy like that youtube scene
      Alien and Aliens are fine
      Much like Terminator 1 and 2 they align
      Anything after that can go to the dump
      Rather watch Scooby Doo grab a smurf and hump

      Delete
    3. Alien was great except for the severed head
      Could've been easily fixed and then he'd be dead
      Terminator 2 was a great one, too
      As was Aliens, unlike Scooby "Live Action" Doo
      That Scooby hump would be fun
      Is that a snack or a bun?

      Delete
    4. What about Scooby Live Action Doo 2
      There was a live action prequel too
      Doesn't that just make you warm and tingly
      You and your tv can now get Scooby humping mingly

      Delete
    5. Oh darn... say it ain't so
      There a part 2 Scooby live action show?

      Delete
  6. Reboots, remakes (not the same thing), sequels, book adaptations, comic book adaptations, movies based on toys (Am I the only one wondering if we really need movies based on freakin' Legos?!?), TV show adaptations... Hollywood so rarely comes up with original ideas any more, it's sad!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Movies based on Lego.... (silence) hahahahahahahahaha!

      Why am I laughing? I need a drink. Too bad I'm on a diet.

      Delete
  7. I detest the modern day princesses. They are not worthy of such titles.

    Fan B.S! Correct!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You should watch the movie Paterson. It might calm your shattered soul a bit.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will do. I might need some glue, though. You know, just in case.

      Delete
  9. You are hilarious. I needed a laugh, thanks.
    You know why they make reboots of popular shows and movies? Because of all those idiots in Hollyweird, not one of them has had an original idea since they were in grade school.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure they think creativity is overrated.

      Delete
  10. All of these ridiculous reboots, including things like Roseanne and the Smurfs, but still no Alf? When's Alf going to get some proper got-damn respect? That's the only alien-related reboot *I* want to see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as Zack Snyder has nothing to do with it. Write the script and the screenplay, earn a buck or two.... million... and Bob is your Uncle.

      Delete
    2. I just saw this on the front page of our local news rag, and thought of you. Viva la reboot! (Aka kill me)

      Oh, and Happy Memorial Day, Blue.

      http://www.9news.com/entertainment/warner-bros-announces-new-jetsons-movie/443757447

      Delete
    3. Viva la reboot... See that one went straight into my long-term memory. Why? Why?

      Delete
  11. Creativity seems to go by the wayside if the powers that be think reboots will bring in the dollars.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ka-ching's the word, Sandra. The only one that matters.

      Delete
  12. Hollywood is about money, power and political (in)correctness. It is no longer about entertainment or creativity. So. We are left with this crap to watch........ or choose not to watch.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You lost me. That's because I'm not hip. I'm so un-hip
    that I don't know the difference between reboot and re-run.
    Some things are beyond my scope of understanding.
    It's like, why did they stop putting those little mirrors in women's
    purses?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why did they stop putting those in purses? I didn't think of it until you said, but really those things were useful.

      My son saw the new Alien movie. He said the alien was in your face from the get-go, so no suspense. I dunno, I never saw any of them and it's highly likely that I won't because, well, bawk. #proudtobeachicken

      Delete
    2. I've thought about it, Rosey. Do you think they stopped putting the little mirrors in purses because for many years, women stopped wearing lipstick? But now, I've noticed that lips are brighter again. Not for old broads....not for me. Nothing worse than seeing bright red lips surrounded by all the wrinkles and red lipstick fading into the lines. Yuck.

      I've never seen the alien movies either but there has to be a reason the world is headed in that direction. A lot of it is political and I really do believe aliens and other forms of life have to be around us.

      Thank you, Blue, for allowing us to use your blog for a cosmetic update.

      Delete
    3. Oh I love your cosmetic update, Belva. You be my guest. But could it be that women have become so extraordinarily fat, nay, beautiful there's absolutely no need whatsoever for a mirror?

      What do you mean, "No"?

      Hello Rosey. No, there's no suspense and some shots are so absurd they took me out of the movie. I could almost hear the Special XF supervisor say, "Well, what do you think of this effect?" At some point I thought the alien was going to bow and do a dance.

      Delete
    4. Hi Belva,

      Women quit wearing lipstick? I don't keep up. I wear it to work most of the time, that's it. Never bright red though, I'd look like a clown. :) Of course we have our phones now if we want to do a quick check up, but I think the mirrors went out before that... Remember mirror compacts that we toted for a bit?

      Blue, we saw Captain Underpants yesterday, and Wonder Woman last night. First time ever seeing two movies in one day for my son, he was geeked. Wonder Woman is about as hardcore as we get over here (9-yr-old in the house). ;)

      Delete
  14. I am not a fan of reboots, remakes, or any other re-update coming to a theater near me. There's no pleasing the masses. Additionally, they always make the updated characters unnecessarily sexy, a stark contrast from their original counterparts. Stuff worked in the 80's because there was thought to the storylines. These days, they feel the need to rework in sex and gore (shock factors) and call it an amazing update. B.S. is exactly what it is, Blue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not to forget more cuts and more explosions than anyone's brain can handle.

      Delete
  15. It's all about money Blue, the movie biz I mean and perhaps life in general. It saddens me. I am tired of remakes, reboots etc. I wonder what has happened to creativity? It seems to have gone into hiding. I wonder why that might be? Maybe, because everyone is caught up in this digital world that they have forgotten how to create magic. What has happened to the land of imagination? Do the powers at play even know anymore?

    How are you Blue? I wrote you a letter...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blue is tired, True. I need a vacation, is what I need. Oh well, at least I can pay the mortgage, right? Pixels don't equal magic. That much I know.

      Delete
  16. I've never been a big fan of going to the movies but now less than ever. Maybe you're right - it's because there isn't anything original out there

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't mind unoriginal. I do mind pixel porn meets cash grabbing garbage.

      Delete
  17. I used to wonder what would happen when they ran out of things to remake. Silly me. They made remakes of the remakes.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm getting so tired of Hollywood reboots. What happened to originality? I saw an advertisement for "The All New Gong Show!" Say it ain't so, Mr. Blue!

    Oh, and I used to love to watch Wonder Woman as a kid so I'm refusing to watch the rebooted version. Not gonna happen!

    Elsie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, but reviewer Chris Stuckmann tells me the new Wonder Woman movie is actually the first DC movie since The Dark Knight that is actually good (score: A-). It's also the first one without desaturated color: CLICK!

      Delete
  19. Reboots, I think, are yuck! I want creativity back!
    The only thing these people are thinking of, is to make money!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sing along:

      Money, money, money
      Must be funny
      In the rich man's world
      Money, money, money
      Always sunny
      In the rich man's world...


      Delete
  20. Same old sequels, same old prequels,
    And ideas that already work,
    Without documentaries and indie films,
    We would be left in the lurch

    ReplyDelete
  21. Creativity is good but you're right money always rears its ugly head!

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete

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