MENTAL NOTE

"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Will you ever reach Bora?

Monday, November 20, 2017

Revenge of the Millennial

Hi. I'm Ned and I'm a millennial.

I don't do things that are hard because that would upset me, and I'm fond of everything that is perfect, quick, cheap and easy. The reason why I'm here today is that Google told me by accident that I should take off my blinders to the world and reevaluate my incessant whining ─ that maybe it is time for me to understand that being the victim of spoon-feeding has made it impossible for me to chew or hold my own spoon when things get a bit rough.

I'm basically one step removed from the people you see in WALL-E, who can't walk or communicate without the safety of a computer screen comfortably installed between them and anyone tangible who wishes to speak with them in person, except that I'm not fat because I love my skinny jeans way too much. I don't have sex because that would mean I'd have to make a lasting impression, which is hard because, you know, sex is hard work and I already know I can't be as good as Long John in sex4all.com. I need at least 25 thumbs up per day or I'll lose confidence in my ability to be winning by simply existing and sending you pictures of my breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

It's hard work being a millennial. It's draining. It's almost impossible to maintain my image of perfection on Facebook, Instagram and what not. I guess you could say I'm obsessed with personal branding. Last night I dreamed there was an earthquake and instead of helping the people in need, I just took a selfie with them in the background.

I like the new DC movies because nothing looks real. It's all glossy and clean and comforting. Whenever the world wants to show its true face to me ─ it's so ugly, I hear ─ I hide in a movie theater behind a ton of overpriced but perfect popcorn and escape for a couple of hours in a universe of sterile perfection.

But no more. I have to be stronger than this. I have to put right what why parents did wrong. They always treated me like a prince. I farted and they were impressed. "Do it again," they'd say, and I would of course comply. They'd take their iPhone and film my impressive bowel moves and share them on Facebook in hopes of many, many likes. I'm beyond that now. Some cynics would say I'm beyond help, but I'm not. It's time for me to escape the Matrix that is my life. It's time to reset my entire being. I will succeed. I will come back, and when I do, you will say, "He's no millennial. He's one tough cookie who knows how to deal with setbacks, drawbacks, disappointments, real life and pain." You will be proud of me.

My name is Ned, and I'll be back.

* * *

46 comments:

  1. Pass my onesie, my colouring book and get me my therapist online because I can't deal with the lack of love. Only got 247 likes on my recent Instagram selfie and that was the 46 th picture I took before I got it right and it was seriously edited with moonshine glitter glow. How can they love the reality if I only have a couple of hundred of "hearts" on the edited me? ARRRRR - OMG - how can I function? To another social site, quickly where I can repair the damage to my overblown ego and my frailty. Why does nobody understand me - why don't they feel my pain? How can they not see my sufferings?

    Shut up, sunshine. Grow a pair and remember people your age were once fighting on the beaches of Dunkirk. What? Oh you thought that was just a Hollywood movie?

    Love you, Blue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly why I love you too, Jules Dear. "...that was the 46th picture I took before I got it right..." You truly are the best. That's no ordinary thumbs up, you know. I already told you before smart phones took over the frigging world and made us say, "Jeeeeeez!" (pardon my Swedish)

      Delete
    2. You rock. The good news, Blue, is that these people don't go to Bora Bora.. *Breathes massive sigh of relief*

      Delete
    3. That's the best news I've heard all day.

      Delete
  2. I hope in Ned's next post, he talks about his vegan, gluten-free, non-GMO lifestyle. I also hope to see a photo of his participation trophies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A trophy that says, "I'm not a loser because everybody is a winner."

      Delete
  3. I'm happy your job confronts you with these underachievers.I just grab some popcorn and make sure my retirement is taken care of......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will do right before I sniff my shoe and die on Bora. Frigging snowflakes. Last week a student of mine who happenes to be a teacher broke down because it was "too hard... I'm so confused." Dear Lord.

      Delete
  4. Poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor you
    Google told you to get a clue
    But now instead of getting one you whine online
    That goes to show that things shall align
    You'll get so much better and be out and about
    Oh no, I said a bad word, I said out
    Google never mentioned that
    What? Yes, I'm really a rhyming cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really, Cat...
      They should stay on their mat
      And ponder the world from there
      See if we care

      Delete
    2. But their mat has to be made from this and that
      Environmentally friendly and no sweat shops where they are at
      Plus it may need bamboo
      And don't forget the shoe
      That has to be just right
      Also remember to plug in their nightlight

      Delete
    3. Nope, not where they're at...
      Should be made at somebody else's mat
      Meanwhile plugging in three devices day an night
      What doesn't smoke must be green, right?
      A new phone every year
      What it's made of... no one knows, oh dear...
      Never mind the mercury, arsenic, cadmium and lead
      Or the chlorine and bromine that might end up in your head
      A new one twice a year.... oh my
      We are so green it makes me cry.
      I so deserve a medal, maybe two...
      Whatever Google says must be true
      It says so right here
      Could I get a non-alcoholic environment-friendly beer?

      Delete
  5. Greetings Blue. A well written piece. Blessings to you.

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

    ReplyDelete
  6. testing . . . I tried to post 3 times and it seems my message went straight to space to be read by little green men. If this one works I shall try again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Outer space? Say it ain't so at the Eddie Bluelights show!

      Delete
  7. I am a Baby Boomer, born after our daddies returned from WW2 and celebrated and celebrated and celebrated. There were so many of us life was very competitive in terms of opportunities, jobs and women and it seemed that life was rather Darwinian, the survival of the fittest. We fathered you Millenials and made the world a better place (or not). Gawd, did we screw up. Whar a dump Cosmos Diabolicus is and what a mess everywhere, and getting more senseless every day. Hope the youngsters can fix things better than we did . . .

    Cheers Blue . . . or is it Ned?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ned? Haha U hope not or I will have to jump out of a window. (First floor, of course.)

      Delete
  8. Well I'm just so impressed that you watched Wall-E. Hahahahahaha!

    Oh man B, I'm a Xennial - it's the generation gap just before the dreaded Millenials (roughly between 1979 and 1985) i.e. the last generation that didn't grow up with technology but are still heavily influenced by / or reliant on it.

    I'm guessing after NED gets his pedicure and has his double espresso with avocado toast for brunch, maybe you can show him your chamber of sexual torture - that will scare the life back into him and kill two birds with one stone haha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WALL-E! Eva! "I'm guessing after NED gets his pedicure and has his double espresso with avocado toast for brunch, maybe you can show him your chamber of sexual torture..." Pure poetry! But... how did you guess I have this deluxe-spared-no-expense chamber of sexual torture anyway? :D

      Delete
  9. My son was great until he learned that he's a millennial. Now he's adopted the lifestyle and he's worthless. Worthless, I tell you. Worthless.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's gotta hurt! How does a person adopt the millennial lifestyle?

      Delete
  10. Sigh.
    And shudder.
    Some days I am tempted to crawl under the bed and velcro myself to the carpet to avoid dealing with these precious souls. But I (wo)man up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And what a woman you are! Those precious souls... Easily confused, impatient as heck and brittle.

      Delete
  11. The millennial definition is a sad pitfall that should be avoided at all cost.

    ReplyDelete
  12. In 20-30 years, Millennials will be complaining about the newest generation

    and so on


    and so on


    and so on

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear ya, Adam, but when people have a burnout at 25 and can't deal with disappointment and break down, you know you've got a problem. I swear 20-year-olds get upset and turn catatonic when they don't understand how to use... the Present Perfect. "I'm so confused! This is too hard! Am I allowed to use my phone during the test?" No joke.

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  13. I think I raised a millennial just like Ned. I am so sorry. I wonder what the generation after them will be. They most likely will be taking care of us Baby Boomers as we age and go into nursing homes. Knowing that, perhaps one would hope for a shorter life.

    (Happy Thanksgiving!)

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They will expect an app to make the problem (us!) go away. Happy Thanksgiving betty!

      Delete
  14. Bijoux (above) beat me to making a wisecrack about participation trophies. "You're a winner just because you showed up!" I guess we should only give out gold medals at the Olympics, and hand them out to everybody! Hell, even I could win one, regardless of the event!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would get two. All you need to do is cry, pout and say you feel you deserve a backup. Haha!

      Delete
  15. Oh Blue
    What can we do!

    Life and expectations have changed so much and not always for the best. I do worry for my grand-children ...but I try to keep a positive outlook.

    Happy Thanksgiving

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, we could start by being genuinely thankful and not take everything for granted. We could start by being less selfish and impatient. The universe does not revolve around the word ME. Oh there's a lot we can do :)

      Blue

      Delete
  16. I started to laugh because what you wrote is so true!! Then I felt sad that it is true :-( :-( :-(

    PS I thought everyone like seeing pictures of my foods!!!! I made it myself..........promise. Another millennial trait - inability too cook from scratch.......

    ReplyDelete
  17. OK, how much did you get from Marvel? I knew they were always ebil and conniving.....

    ReplyDelete
  18. Not all millennial's are evil, my daughter is one and even other millennial's piss her off. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My kind of millennial. The 15-year-old (old???) son of a friend of mine hates millennials, too. So funny.

      Delete
  19. Hi Blue
    How are you?
    I was just thinking of you...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blue's stressed out. Work's the name of the game. I may have told you. One more month to go. Will I meet the frigging deadline?

      Delete
  20. So true!! So sad!!!
    I hope Ned does go for it! I will be proud of him!!
    Hi Blue :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. In defense of the millennial... they're the scourge that we've created ourselves. We are all Frankenstein and they are our monsters

    ReplyDelete

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