Someone gruesomely handsome, green and wise once said, and I quote, that
'the notion that there are these new, original ideas floating around out there, just begging a deaf Hollywood for attention is absurd. If we boil it down, all stories are based on other stories. There are no new ideas if you boil it down far enough.' —PICKLEOPE VON PICKLEOPELAND
Granted, there is no such thing as a brand new idea — except, of course, when there is one. And I'm even asking for That Which We Have Never Ever Seen Or Thought Of. I just want to be pleasantly surprised. All I'm asking for is some heart and soul for crying out loud, some genuine attempt at anything but a slice of pizza. No conveyor belt movies, please. Not when you dare call yourself inspired. By, well, whatever.
But when rebooted re-imaginations inspiring sequels that need prequels (in search of more money but no inspiration) turn much anticipated adventures into horribly expensive quiz shows because they have crammed in so many in-jokes ('ha ha!') that pull you out of the imaginary world (Aw!) so often that you've been reduced to nothing but a knowledgeable bystander slash contestant in a frigging game show ('Hey, I know what they, the makers of this movie, which is not real, 'cause look, I'm in a movie theater, are referring to!'), when an emotional experience becomes a mental exercise... well, there's something amiss. Like with this sentence.
Enough said. Let's have a look.
|Terminator 1 (1984): Mighty strong words, Kyle... I'm impressed.|
Terminator 2 (1991): Oh haha I get it. This is one of the director's in-jokes.
|Terminator 5 (2015): Okay, I get it. I GET it. Now say you'll be back.|
Terminator 2 (1991): Not really possible but still a cool shot.
Terminator 5 (2015): Oh haha you're rebooting that shot from T2 with a twist!
|Terminator 1 (1984): What's up, Doc? Oh my God, what are you doing, Mr. Terminator?|
|Terminator 2 (1991): Pretty impressive! Much better than what we saw in T1!|
|Terminator 5 (2015): Oh come on! Not again! You've never seen that hand before?|
|Basic Instinct (1992): Well, hello! I wonder why she's sitting that way.|
|Basic Instinct 2 (2006): Been there. Done that. Oh it's a homage. Why didn't you say so?|
|Superman 1 (1978): Final shot of superman smiling at us. He knows this is a movie!|
|Superman 5 (2006): Don't you dare.... Don't you.... Awwwwww! He did it! It's a reboot!|
|Indiana Jones 1 (1981): Cool shot of the top secret warehouse where the Lost Ark is hidden!|
|Indiana Jones 4 (2008): Ah... you want to remind us of how it all began! Now it's a good movie!|
|Jurassic Park 1 (1993): Oowee! Grrrrrrrreat shot! Look left and right so we believe it's real!|
|Jurassic Park 4 (2015): Say it ain't so. You call it a sequel. I call it a reboot. Pop quiz!|
Now, excuse me...
while I go and reboot...
my rapidly dwindling interest...
* * *
|The Blue Thing featuring Dezzthingie and Dixiespider (2015)|
|Too scary! Too green! The creature from Pickleopeland!|
And if you're wondering what the heck...