"Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run."
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Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Will you ever reach Bora?

Friday, November 9, 2018

Don't You Dare Prequel (Read: Vandalize) Willy Wonka, Dammit!

Gene Wilder wasn't one to swear, but I'm sure he's rolling in his grave screaming and shouting and cursing and coining all sorts of new cuss words reminiscent of "wank bugger shitting arse head and the hole!" (thank you, Uncle Billy) none of us are quite ready for. And who can blame him? DAMMIT! Don't you dare demystify one of the greatest characters ever written and portrayed on the big screen. Do it and I will ask Uncle Billy to show you the ins and outs of the word bugger

Come to think of it, Roald Dahl must be rolling in his grave, too. Dammit, Hollywood, why don't you set yourself on fire and call it The Purge Part 5? You'd be doing mankind such a favor. Why don't you just go and jump into that pool of molten steel with prequel-sequel-reboot-happy Arnie (who keeps coming back) and call it a day? Right now, your average Hollyhead is more preoccupied with shoving their myopic SJW agendas down our throats than Mary Wollstonecraft would have ever dared to contemplate back in 1790. At least she had a way with words (that I'm sure Ruin Johnsonless can't even spell), an intellect as sharp as a razor and she had the presence of mind to take her audience serious. Hollywood has none of that. They are illiterate, ultra-leftist cash-grabbing cabdrivers who don't know a steering wheel from a seatbelt but insist on driving... a classic into the ground.

Yes, there's going to be a prequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Warner Bros and producer David Heyman have made a deal with Dahl's estate for rights "to further explore" the life of Willy Wonka. Further explore? Because we all want to know where Wonka was born? Because we all want to know what his hobbies were? Because we NEED TO KNOW why he became the mysterious person we saw in the movie and read about in the book?

Further explore? To get inside his head and explore his... feelings? To find out if he used to be in love or married? (Was there a Wonky Wilma?) Further explore to learn he's gay or woke or scarred or, or, or.... or whatever? Do we need to know if he went to school and that no one liked him? Do we need to meet his parents, dentists included? Do we need to know who built the famous factory and where the money came from to build it in the first place? Do we need to see it being built? Do we need to see him invent all the machines we remember from the movie? Do we need to see what happens to a kid who deservedly gets sucked up a pipe after falling into the chocolate river? Do we need to know more about the Oompa Loompas and their hobbies, their ancestry and their... feelings? Do we need to see them practice their songs and cleverly come up with scrumdiddlyumptious new chocolate recipes? Blue screen! Green screen! Yes, yes!

No. No.

We don't need ten thousand super smart Easter eggs, wink-winks, throwbacks and hommages-my-butt to take us out of the movie because they remind us of a better, more inspired one that was made in an era when Hollywood wasn't infested with pixel porn fetishists and scriptwriters who thought they could do a much better job than award-winning writers like Roald Dahl. Give me a break. Don't paint a moustache on the Mona Lisa and call it the beauty of subverting everybody's expectations.

Dammit, Hollywood. Dammit Dahl's estate. This movie is not going to be a golden goose. It is going to be a lame duck at best. A chocolate duck that tastes like CGI sprinkled with hot air.

Bon app├ętit.
* * *

That's one scary close-up. I know.


  1. I'd watch that Purge movie.
    The author never wrote a prequel. There is a sequel - why not do The Great Glass Elevator instead? Of course, no one can top the master Wilder as Wonka. Ever.

  2. My son loved everything Dahl ever wrote. I will have to ask him about this!

  3. Wow, great idea! Let's take an absolutely classic story & film, and strip it of everything that gave us all, adult and child alike, that sense of wonderment that no Johnny (Depp)-Come-Lately could ever supplant. Why be satisfied until we've totally demystified Wonka, the Oompa Loompas, all the obnoxious kids who disappeared... the lot of it! Time for kids to learn that there ain't no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, no Superman or Batman, and (to quote the Marx Brothers) there ain't no Sanity Clause!

    And I say we tackle that J.K. Rowling's stuff next...

  4. Dahl hated the first Willy Wonka. The 2nd movie, while not as popular, was truer to his vision of the book.

    1. I know. Plus the second one sucked so hard it was almost exciting. I kept thinking, "Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson..."

  5. Hollywood doesn't have an original ideas so they just take the classics and remake or prequel them.

  6. Sigh. And hiss and spit.
    I can't/don't watch movies of books I love just because I want to shout at the screen. And a prequel? Would-be money making oxygen thieves.

    1. Sigh and hiss and spit. That about sums it up for me, too.

  7. Didn't they already learn with that garbage remake?
    That thing wasn't even worth a first take
    And yeah, you'll learn he's gay
    Or maybe goes either way
    As you have to get all in there
    Could be part ancient Roman with flair
    Or maybe an alien too
    He doesn't have to go to the loo
    Bah, all a bunch of crap
    Prequels are garbage across any map
    Just a cash grab for the sheep
    More will come and meep meep meep

    1. Folks who learn have a brain
      Those who don't must be insane
      Insane in the membrane
      Come snow or rain
      Flush 'm down the drain
      No need for a crane
      Or a back-breaking Bane
      That remake made me sick
      Wonka Wannabe on a stick
      Songs that I can't remember
      November or December
      No loo for poo
      Cause poo don't need no loo
      They can go sniff a shoe

    2. Sniff a shoe and sit on a stick
      Maybe get a mule to kick em in the umm wick
      Or call that guy named John
      He'll shoot them all by dawn
      In fiction that is
      Sequel 3 to that is going pop pop fizz fizz
      Is that a relief?
      Or just more grief?

    3. How about a John Wick prequel?
      Much worse than a John Wick sequel
      Where did he get that dog?
      Did he used to have a hog?
      Was Wick rel cute as a baby?
      Was he always gonna be a maybe?
      Maybe a it nuts
      Showing his um guts
      Going pop pop fizz fizz
      Gee whiz, what a failure this one is!
      No surprise there
      Does a monkey have hair?
      Does a reboot stink
      Let that boat sink
      Just so you know
      At the Blue Guy Show.

  8. I think I'm going to be in the minority here, but I would really love to read about Wonka's life before Charlie came into it. I do want to know what made him tick, but I would want to READ about it, not a movie.

    1. That's because you are genuinely interested. But then you go and f things up (pardon my Swedish) and you'll hate them for having done that to a character you loved so much.

  9. First, I love your new header swimming in the the tranquil waters of Bora Bora (sigh) Blue - you are playing with my emotions.

    Personally, I didn't like the remake with Depp, even though it was on recently and I wasn't feeling well so I watched it. oh, the shame...haha

    I honestly feel the one with Gene was magical, filled with "pure imagination".

    Why do they need to dig deeper into the character? They will just screw it up to suit their limited minds. I like the mystique around Willy Wonka. I also, don't like the thought of new writers trying to speak for the original author.

    I agree boo, hiss and spit...and maybe a kick in the arse.

    Hi Blue - What's new

    1. Look at you go at the Blue guy show. What's new? Nothing much. Still waiting to win that golden ticket to Bora.


  10. Blue, I'm sensing that you're upset a bit here. ;)
    Hang in there, if it's a go you can't stop it, just be sure to boycott and not go watch it. :)

  11. I have to confess!!!
    I've not seen the film.

    On another subject I too like your new header.

    All the best Jan

    1. You... have...not seen... this... movie??? What happened?

      Thanks, Jan :)

  12. Does this mean you don't want a pre-quel? Heh.
    I blush to admit I have never seen Willy Wonka.
    YOU have a productive, pleasant, energized week, Blue.

    1. Wait a minute. You... have...not seen... this... movie... either??? What happened?

      You have a great week, too, Sandra.

  13. This is one of my favourite movies!!! I agree with every word you said Blue!!!!

  14. Hollywood needs to stick itself where the sun don't shine...
    In other news it is much better being a leftist than rightist... imho.

    1. Let them stick it right there. I apprecite your humble opinion. In my humble opinion, anything ultra is never good.

  15. They don't have a brain. They don't or wont, think for themselves. Original ideas? What's that? No, no, let's remake, let's prequel, sequel, anything equel! Lame. I'm sticking to books and old movies. The real kind.


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